Aspiring To Live Life

Important reminders for Me

2011-02-25T21:50:00.005-06:00

If you want to be happy -- choose to be.

If you dwell on negativity your life is going to be just that.

If you smile on the world, it WILL smile back.

Enjoy the little things, they may be gone someday (People included).

Do the things that you want to do, because you are in charge of your own life, and if you let other people determine your decisions you may live in regret someday.

Spend time with the people who lift you up, bring laughter to your lips, and who you cannot live without.

Don't over-complicate things. Things are already as complicated as they need to be.

When things get overwhelming and you feel like life is falling apart, remember your blessings - don't focus on the curses.

Remember no one has control over your life but YOU. Make the best of it.

Be content but always strive for more.

Don't be complacent or think you know it all, you always have something to learn.

When you are upset by someone - put yourself in their shoes, try to see their perspective - This will give you the much needed outside view.

Don't wish away any moment, you will never get it back.

Keep it simple, and always remember "Life will go on" regardless of the circumstance.

SMILE no matter what, it makes a difference.

Keep it simple

2011-01-22T13:34:00.002-06:00

I struggle here because life is simply just not that simple. Complication, conflict, disappointment, change... these are just a few things that we all encounter on a regular basis. My personality haults with an upheaval of stress and anxiety naturally. Small things would used to catapult me into a cycle of self destruction and depression. After becoming a Mom two and a half years ago, I began learning the truth and reality of the term "Keep it simple." I always knew the phrase -- but didn't actually know it. It is more complex than I actaully knew...

Expectations are the biggest of things to let us down, so why don't we just let them go? No expectations = no disappointment. Makes sense right? seriously speaking though, it is guaranteed that if we have expectations we will eventually be let down, or even build resentment for some expectation that was not fulfilled. Same concept as getting your hopes up. How would you feel if someone placed expectations on you? It doesn't feel good... don't do it to others! (Ha, this one is easier said than done for me, and requires constant reflection)

Let go of the things that are out of your control. Why stress over or try to change something that you can't do anything about? This just complicates life even more! I need to often remind myself that I can't change someones: opinion, attitude, behavior, choice, or action(s). I can only control myself, and if I am trying to control someone else it usually falls into some sort of manipulation or abuse. Take responsibility only for yourself and no one else.

Let it go. Let go of your anger, resentment and hatred. It does us no good. Forgiveness gives us freedom to move forward. AND if need be address an issue instead of dwelling on it.

Don't sweat the small stuff. So what if Madi accidentally spilled her milk - it is almost inevitable and I know it, yet I sometimes choose to get upset about little things like this at times. Really, it isn't worth it. When I have negative feelings I often find myself trying to find a reason for why... more often than not it is over something so minuscule so I have to consciously choose to let it go.

These are all reminders for myself. I get so worked up, stressed out, and anxious all because I am keeping it complicated! Being aware of these things really help my stress level, and keep peace in my life. I just wanted to share, because I know at times will all suffer from the complications of life.

Silence is NOT the answer

2011-01-19T22:25:00.003-06:00

I have been painfully silent over last year... it is a new year though, and I am taking on the whole "new begginings"

I have been waiting for an amazingly epic moment to occur for reason to return to writing. Well, I can't tell you that anything epic has happened, but what I can do is start simple. Sometimes simplicity is the best way to go, we do as a matter of fact have to begin a race with just one step.

Here is my step. And hopefully the momentum will build now and I will be back to writing every once in a while.

To start I will just put a few random things out there about where I am as of late...

-I am job hunting, and learning so much in the process. I have the best resume I have had in my life to date, I think I have got the whole process of hunting, and applying down... next comes the perfection of the interview - one down, who knows how many more to go.

-AND just to pretend as most of you do not know (which probably isn't the case because I am a loud mouth and make myself heard) I am a baccalaureate - yes, that means I FINALLY have a Bachelor's degree, in Social Science, to be precise. I graduated in Dec of 2010. I am proud of myself.

-Speaking of school--I must add to this blog--I was extremely challenged last year. This is one of the largest reasons as to my break from blogging. My mind could not handle much more than life was spewing my way as a Mom, student, and girlfriend who has lots of friends and family in my life!! Yeah, it was craziness...

-And just to put the cherry on top of the School sundae (so to speak), school pushed and challenged my mind in ways I never knew were possible - my beliefs, morals, standards all took a bit of a shift. I was pressed hard, my mind was challenged and at times I felt defeated, even hopeless.

-When fall introduced itself last year I was relieved to put the "tough" school behind me - I had written a 20 page dissertation on Global Poverty, in addition to another 56 pages on other intense "analytical" papers. And I began my Guitar class. It was amazing and priceless...

-I know how to read and play the three basic octaves of A-G and read rythmic patterns. in addition to so much more. Fall semester offered me a great change of pace. To be able to learn music while sitting and reflecting on all of the belief shifts and such that school had introduced. I am feeling better and more at ease with this all now, I know that discovering who I am, and what I am are all a process... the process of life!

-So here I am, Happy and content. I have an amazingly kind, supportive, loving, giving boyfriend who lifts me up everyday. I for the first time in a relationship feel at ease to be me, and feel significant as a person regardless of my flaws. I am a lucky girl!

-AND the best thing in life, the thing that has brought me the most joy, most growth, and the most smiles on my face - is Madilynn. She is a hoot! It has been a challenging year as a mother as well - but a great one at that! Madi went from babyhood to childhood last year: giving up the Pacifier, going from a crib to a toddler-bed, potty training, talking, counting, danacing, hobbying, you name it... she is a little person now, and I love it. We once in a while deal with the power-struggle, but we are both learning and everyday it seems like things are getting better - atleast she doesn't have daily timeout visits anymore! I love her, she is growing into a beautiful girl with personality!

-If I could change one thing about last year it would be the fact that I didn't freely write or journal. I love keeping my thoughts tangible by writing them to reflect at later times... maybe this year will be the year to start recording my thoughts, we'll see.

So, that is where I am at. I'll leave it at that. Taking one moment at a time I am moving forward in this ever increasingly fast paced life - hopefully not in silence.

writing

2010-05-28T09:42:00.002-05:00

The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium. ~Norbet Platt

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

2010-04-28T23:45:00.002-05:00

1) taking personal responsibility and initiative,
2) getting clear about what's important to you and setting goals,
3) putting those priorities first and being disciplined,
4) seeking mutual benefit in all interactions with others -- the golden rule,
5) seeking to understand others from their perspective first before making your point,
6) valuing differences and creating third-alternative solutions to problems that are better than "my way" or "your way," and
7) taking care of and renewing yourself in all four areas of life -- body, mind, heart and spirit.
-- Stephen R. Covey

Maybe if we all tried a little harder, life would be a little easier for all of us.

Short of Perfect

2010-03-22T12:21:00.006-06:00

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.
John Burroughs

...all the quality time I want to spend with Madi, all the spaces in my home that need to be cleaned, all the reading and studying I need to get done for school, and all the little constant issues and things that need to be addressed. I feel overwhelmed.

Okay, Okay... I will admit, I am guilty! I am busy and I still find it hard to prioritize, organize, and figure out how to live life functionally. I struggle with perfection, and there is no doubt about it that, sometimes I am just too hard on myself. Sometimes I feel as though I am being pushed to the limit. I am overwhelmed, and there is just a sense of discontentment in my heart.

'Am I a good Mom? Am I spending my time productively? Am I making good decisions for Mine and Madi's life?'
There always seems to be a constant, nagging, lingering question -of this type- that lurks in the back of my mind. I am always looking over my own shoulder to see if I am doing it right. I think that like anyone else, I too struggle with the reality that I am not perfect and I make mistakes, but so do we all. My Mom helped open my eyes to a little piece of necessary reality the other day, while we were spending some much needed time together.

Through tears she stated, "You're the perfect Mom! You have it all together. Your life is structured and organized." Then she proceeded to talk about how out of control her life is, and how overwhelmed she feels to face all of the things that life throws her way. She expressed how inadequate she felt, and more than anything the underlying message of everything was that she felt as though she was failing at life.

At that moment I had an extreme sense of humility wash over me, realizing that I too have those same negative feelings about my own life, as she does hers. My Mom gave me insight into the reality of what day-to-day life entails. Life is overwhelming, it is hard, and we all fall short of perfect. Regardless of who we are, or what we do, we all make mistakes. What I am learning in life at the moment is that we are all individuals and we have our strengths and along with it, we have weaknesses as well.

My weaknesses have become my enemy, and they often become the focus of my life. Often I overlook my strengths. I tend to dwell on my failures and disregard my accomplishments. I am constantly beating myself up for the wrong choices I make, and for the negative patterns of behavior that I continually fall into. I place many unattainable pressures on myself, and feel a sense of disappointment when I fail at attaining them.

Sometimes I wonder if it is a female thing. Often as women we are constantly trying to be better... look better, do better, act better. There is even a cultural strain on us, from media and society telling us that we need to fit a certain standard. This standard, as it is presented by the media, is near perfection. I am pretty sure that no one fits that media standard!! Yet, I notice and see, in my life and many others as well, that we are constantly putting pressure on ourselves to meet this ideological standard of life.

So, the answer that I gave my Mom, after I gave her a good chuckle, was this "Mom, I am far from perfect! I fail everyday. I make bad decisions, and I am in constant awareness of how imperfect I am!" She isn't alone in her feelings of shame and failure, many people -even the ones who appear perfect- have the same feelings.

The cliche statement is true, 'The grass is greener on the other side.' So, just remember when you see the woman that looks like she has everything put together, chances are she doesn't. I am learning to be kinder to myself. I am trying harder to give myself the much needed break that I deserve. I am starting to remind myself that I have accomplished so much in both the small day-to-day things, and the things that affect my life as a whole. We can all use a little more encouragement, especially from ourselves, because often we are the hardest on ourselves. Dwelling on the negative is counterproductive - and actually a time waster in my mind. Naturally when we think positively things tend to work out better. Why waste time thinking negatively and dwelling on the bad, it is a waste of time. Spending your time focusing on negative thought interferes with your ability to be productive, and is wasteful, instead that energy can be used elsewhere.

Alyshia, a girlfriend of mine, pointed out to me how much I insult, and complain about myself - mostly in the physical sense. She was right, and I was feeling the effects of it emotionally. So I decided to strive to stop being so negative and to start telling myself and others how great I really am. I am of seeing and believing the reality of all of the positive aspects of who I am. The great thing is is that I am happier. I am more comfortable in my own skin, and more content with myself, even if I make a mistake. Confidence exudes inner beauty. This is the type of beauty that I want to characterize. I need to be confident for myself, and for Madi.

Some Pieces are Secret

2010-02-21T12:31:00.004-06:00

is that bad, that some of me is not shown?

I am not revealing my whole...

Sometimes I feel pulled down by the weight of it's hold.

On occasion my life feels like it is not my own.

I walk on, with that "Rebecca smile" on my face,

part of me is ashamed, and part of me is at peace.

I can finally see some of my inner beauty, it is amazing.

Am I just striving for perfection?

Because It brings me exhilaration, joy, happiness and warmth.

I feel closer to God, deep inside my soul.

Yet I feel a part of my soul, anxious and concerned.

Or is it this female side, that is taking control.

Emotions consume me, they eat me whole.

I need to escape the pressures, from myself, and from this God wretched word.

I am going to step aside,

stop looking for the answers elsewhere.

I am going to pray, draw near,

and see where I am guided.

Thank-you

2010-02-15T15:21:00.008-06:00

In my weakness, I look for your Strength.

It is you who brings me peace.

I am tired and I cannot do this without you.

Time has consumed me.

Eaten me from the inside out.

I am sorry again. I am lost. I need you.

Help me find my way again.

You bring me energy.

Sometimes I forget to turn to you.

And when I remember, I am again humbled

when I embrace your amazing Grace.

Your Love. Your astonishing acceptance.

Oneness with myself. Oneness with You, God.

As I draw near I can feel you. Your love consumes me.

It feels replenishing. I feel refreshed again.

As my tears fall, I am reminded.

How I have missed my creator.

As I draw near again. My Heart rejoices.

I feel rejuvenated and refreshed. So Alive.

My soul dances, and my arms reach to feel your presence.

As I worship, I can feel you deep inside my soul.

I am consumed.

I feel so near, to my origin.

Your presence is ecstasy, words bring it no justice.

I know it is You God, You are the ONE.

The only ONE that I need. You satisfy My every want, my every need.

Again I find myself crying out.

'Here I am, Here is my life. I am Yours'

In my weakness, I draw near To You.

You bring me Peace. I am again so thankful.

Little Surprises everywhere...

2010-01-14T17:23:00.005-06:00

‘Time changes everything except something within us which is always surprised by change.’ Thomas Hardy

Woah! So as some of you know and some of you don't life has thrown me a little curve ball. Some change has come my way, some would say it is bad change... But who knows, a door has closed and I have been led to a new door... so I am on my way to a new adventure. I am excited to see what life has for me. So no, I wouldn't say that for me this is a bad change, it has been bittersweet, but not necessarily bad.

The company that has employed me for the past two and a half years now ceases to exist. They are going out of business (if they haven't already gone under that is) and I am sure that many people will be affected by the ripple effect from the fall of the company. My heart is sad for all of those who have encountered a loss due to Groom closing their doors. My heart goes out to my Boss Jim Blackwood and his wife Stacey, who were part owners of the company. They were nothing less than kind and compassionate to me during my employment with them. They stood by me through many hardships and triumphs in my own personal life. I will never forget them, and their graciousness.

So I am unemployed, for the first time in what seems like forever...
I applied for unemployment (I have yet to receive any compensation thus far) and am hopeful that it will suffice for now. I decided that the wise thing would be to put my job searching on halt and return to school for the semester and finish my degree. I am now on track to be graduating with my BA in Social Science following the summer semester. I am thrilled, nervous, and anxious...This is all going to be a huge change of lifestyle and of time and pace. All change is hard because we humans like predictability and routine, but it will be good and it will challenge me again, and I look forward to it, it will feel good to get things done.

So life will go on, and I am happy to say that I am in a good place. Watching Madi grow is amazing, and having the relationships that I do with the family and friends in my life, it just amazes me beyond measure. I cannot say that I am not blessed, because I am, I am more blessed than what many will experience in a lifetime.

Life is full of Surprises

2009-12-15T10:43:00.004-06:00

Living in the moment means
letting go of the past and not waiting for the future.
It means living your life consciously,
aware that each moment you breathe is a gift.
- Oprah Winfrey

Sometimes my mind is blown by the complexity of life... the things we take for granted... and the spontaneity of situations and outcomes... Lately my heart has been touched by so many stories, and my eyes have been opened by my own circumstances. It is so awesome growing older and having new epiphanies and realizations - growing wisdom.

I happened to come across a Caring bridge site written by the parents of Kaitlyn Johanson. At 16 years of age, in August of 2007, she was in a severe car accident in Rochester MN. She was rushed to Mayo clinic. She sustained numerous injuries, the biggest triumph they have had to face was the traumatic brain injuries that were incurred. Kasey and Brian, Kaitlyn's parents, lives were shaken and drastically changed by this tragedy, as was Kaitlyn's. There lives have been forever changed. As a parent I can only imagine all that they have been through... Their courage and strength throughout it all have amazed and shocked me! I am such an empathetic person so when I come across stories such as these it is like it becomes my own story - I become affected by it, and something changes inside of me. It has been weighing on my heart and I have been praying for them. Sometimes I wonder if God brings these stories into my life to teach me a lesson. I take so many things for granted... The ability to walk, to talk, communicate in a socially acceptable fashion, the fact the my brain and my mind function at a normal rate, my eyesight, my ability to live life easily without having to worry about my disabilities hindering my way of life. Poor Kaitlyn had to start all over, she had to relearn how to walk, talk, eat... Two years later she is still in the process of recovery and has to face simple issues day in and day out. Her recovery process will be in effect for years to come, and she will probably never be the person that she was prior to her accident.

Nothing is ever predictable! Sometimes I am fearful of what the future holds, but then I realize that it is out of my hands and I shouldn't worry! No matter what things will always work out in the end, it is sort of a motto that I have created for the hard times that I have faced over the years, and will continue to face down the road. We need to live for today, we never know what tomorrow will bring. We need to appreciate every moment, and not let the small things steal our joy and happiness. Life is so short to be angry all the time, or to hold a grudge.

To end on a lighter note, I love the quote from Kung Fu Panda (I know this is not where it originated, but every time I hear it I think of Master Oogway, and he makes me smile :)

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery.
But today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present
~Master Oogway

Merry Christmas

2009-12-14T11:46:00.004-06:00

I am not sure why but as every year passes I seem to love Christmas so much more. Maybe it is because as I get older I appreciate things more, or maybe it is because I am a Mom now...

It is such a great time of year where I can feel the love all around me, and I cannot get enough of it. The month of December has already flown by and I have yet to send out my Christmas cards (hopefully it will be done in the early part of this week).

I just want to wish everyone a beautiful and Merry Christmas. If this is a hard time of year for you I am sorry, but just remember you are not alone, This is in fact the celebration of Christ's birthday - he came to be with us!!

Have fun eating cookies, decorating your tree, spending quality time with your family and friends, sipping hot cocoa, singing carols, and giving thanks to God - there is no better time than now.

If I didn't send you a card and you would like one just send your address my way.

Love you all!

Trust in God

2009-12-03T11:40:00.003-06:00

'Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. ' John 14:1

What do we do and where do we turn when it seems like everything is falling apart? When we lose our jobs, or our children are heading down the wrong path, when someone dies, or we are facing devastating consequences for the bad choices that we have made; who do we turn to?

'Dear brothers and sisters,when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.'
James 1:2-4

All too often I turn to worry, guilt, shame... But I need to remember that my life is not in my control. I am called to give it up, I am called to surrender, to a God who is far greater than my mind can imagine.

'Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.' Matt 16:24-25

God wants us to give up ALL control and put it into his hands!! Those tough seasons in your life could be a time where he is preparing you to rely more on him and give up control of your own life or the life of a spouse or child. Truly, all of our lives are out of our control, it is only God that knows what is ahead and in store for us.

We need to be reassured that God has great plans, and without these hard times all of this, Gods plans may not happen. I cannot help but think and know that God is in everything somehow, even though it may not seem like it at the moment... When we are facing those challenging times that life throws our way, God could be in the middle of it all preparing us for something great, for something that can turn your world upside down.

When we are going through those rough times we need to remember to turn to him, he is right by our side!

Last night I was spending time with Shirley (it is her birthday today!) we were talking about how Madi is influenced by both Dan and I. I expressed my concern for Madi's life, I don't want her to make the same bad choices that I have made in my life. As a Mom I want her to make the best decisions and be the best that she can be throughout her whole life... Shirley reminded me and assured me that Madi is Gods, and she is in his hands - and when I went up in front of the church to dedicate her that is exactly what I was doing, I was giving her to God! Madi's life is in Gods hands now, I am just a Shepard guiding her along the path of life, helping to teach her and guide her!

I think that we often forget sometimes that when we become Christ filled and we give our lives to God, our lives are no longer ours to hold on to, and try to control... we need to give UP and give it to God. I know that it is easier said than done, but God wants us to lay down our lives and give it all to him, he knows the plans he has for our lives. We shouldn't worry, he has it all figured out.

'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jeremiah 29:11

GivingThanks

2009-12-02T14:08:00.004-06:00

1 Thessalonians 5:18
No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you.

During a time of year where we reflect on the things that we are thankful for, I have been reminded that there is so much to give thanks for.

So here is a list some things that I am truly and utterly thankful for.

*Jesus and his sacrifice for my life

*Madilynn Paige - the one who makes life brighter and worth living

*Being Cancer free!

*Christmas, it brings out the beauty in people and reminds me of what life is all about

*Music, all kinds of music

*Freedom, it is something that I often take for granted

*Witnessing Talent

*Chili, it is so yummy, especially on a chilly day!

*Loving Family

*Facebook, I love being connected and being social

*Sleep, I am grateful for the hours that I get

*A place to call home

*Friends who care

*Nature, we are surrounded by a beautiful creation

*Adam, he brings smiles to my face every day

*The smell of rain in the air, it is refreshing

*the Love of Dan and Shirley

*Target

*The unconditional love that I receive from a very forgiving God

*Pink finger nail polish, even on a bad day it makes me feel pretty

*Community, I am so blessed! Naomi, Amanda, April, Tamrah, Emarie, Loni, Missy, Anna, Meredith, Faith, Monique, Ashley, and Jessica you girls have been so supportive over the last year, I am so thankful for you all!

*The ability to run, even if I don't do it everyday, I know that I still can!

*A good Career, I have been so blessed with a steady, good job

*My education

*Looking forward to a future that is in Gods hands, I know that he has amazing plans for my life, it is beautiful watching it unfold

When You Are Near

2009-11-20T12:53:00.002-06:00

Words cannot express how much I love this song!

When You Are Near
Jeremy Camp

There’s no need to say a thing when I’m before you.
In this silence I feel refreshed with peace.
Break this noise that binds the voice that tries to speak.
Open my eyes to see Your gracious, sovereign reach.

It’s hard to talk when I feel that You are near,
When all is quiet it’s the beauty that I hear.
This hidden place where I know that You've calmed my fears.
I know that You’ve washed my tears.

The seasons of change I’ve faced have never left me wounded.
Only scars of hurt, but never deeply rooted.
This healing I have felt, no burden can replace.
Redemptive hope has been the story of my pain.

It’s hard to talk when I feel that You are near,
When all is quiet it’s the beauty that I hear.
This hidden place where I know that You've calmed my fears.
I know that You’ve washed my tears.

All is lost without the breath of life You give, and You give so much.
I want nothing more than You, so here’s my heart

It’s hard to talk when I feel that You are near,
When all is quiet it’s the beauty that I hear.
This hidden place where I know that You've calmed my fears.
I know that You’ve washed my tears.

Delicious Dessert

2009-11-03T09:59:00.005-06:00

Here is a delicious recipe from one of my girlfriends, Tamrah, she is a Mom to two buys and one on the way... She sure does know how to make some awesome and yet simple dessert!

Quick and Easy Southern Banana Pudding:

1 package (3.5 oz) vanilla flavor instant pudding and pie filling...

1 1/2 cups milk

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

1 1/2 cups whipped topping (cool whip), divided

40 vanilla wafers, divided

2 bananas, sliced, divided

2 tablespoons chocolate topping (chocolate syrup)

In a medium bowl combine pudding mix, milk and vanilla. With electric mixer, beat 1 to 2 minutes or until thickened. Add 1 cup whipped topping. In 1 1/2 quart round dish layer half of wafers, bananas and pudding. Drizzle with chocolate. Repeat layers ending with pudding. Top with remaining 1/2 cup of whipped topping Top with 3 crushed cookies if desired. (we also drizzle a little chocolate syrup on top).

Pump that Body!

2009-10-30T09:06:00.003-06:00

Whew - I am sore - BUT I feel grrreat! I started working out again. Last night Jenny and I (she is THE official Gym partner!) went to the YMCA in West Saint Paul. It was great, I didn't do too well but I am now addicted. I have decided that I am going to join and now have an actual gym membership again! It has been about a year since I have had a membership, and it is time to join again.

Bodypump was the class that we took last night. Mixing anaerobic and aerobic activity into one, weights and aerobics together - it was challenging and great! It wore me out, but today I have this amazing high from working out last night. I feel so giddy, like a little girl again.

I am excited because unlike anytime, there is a daycare - so I have no excuse not to go now...
Yayy I cannot wait to take another class!

Think Positively

2009-10-29T08:20:00.000-06:00

“How you think about a problem is more important than the problem itself. So always think positively.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale

Honestly

2009-10-28T07:59:00.014-06:00

I felt inspired by the Ex Hot Girl to put it all out there... and I think that it just might be liberating. Holding in these feelings doesn't really do the body good, and I have noticed that what I tend to do is just complain a lot about things when and if I don't process them. So this will be my attempt at processing all of the emotions that I have been having with my image, body and weight.

I have always been someone who has defined myself by my appearance, which is no bueno, I know! And for a while it really worked in my favor... I didn't really know it, but I was pretty Hot (as Jenn, the Ex Hot Girl, would say). I had some minor issues with my appearance, as we all do. I have always wanted to lose a few pounds, but overall I was very content, confident, and comfortable in my own skin (pre-baby of course). Now... well lets just say I am a little more than not content with my body. I just plain feel FAT, unattractive, and uncomfortable in just about everything that I wear - I am definitely not comfortable in my own skin, and of course the stretch marks don't help. You can tell by looking at my Now and Then photos that I am not comfortable, and I often struggle with what to wear to hide my extra pounds - it doesn't work, I know, I have tried :) I am constantly at a struggle with more than just my appearance, I am a perfectionist in everything that I do. It is more than just wanting to be beautiful, I also want to be physically fit so that I can be healthy, run without struggling, and other things of that matter. Really though, I just want to be physically fit so that I can be comfortable in my own skin again. I am constantly aware of my overweight, unfit body and it wears on me.

I have started running. I will be running a 5K on December 5th. It will be interesting to see how I do. Some of my long term goals: Chicago half marathon next September, and eventually a full marathon. I am trying to be more conscious about what I put in my mouth. I love snacks, and since I have had Madi I have this undeniable urge to eat sweets all day - which has not been nice to me, to say the least! I have been skipping the bowl of ice cream before bed at night, and I have been eating less, and am attempting to be aware of my diet. I figure that calorie counting, or being aware of the amount that I consume will be the first step - considering I have been overeating. I notice that I tend to eat when I am experiencing anything emotional whether it is good or bad. I eat to self medicate and I eat to celebrate, but the most important thing that I need to be aware of is that I eat to please my taste buds. What I want and need to start doing is eating nutritious foods, and I need to stop eating for pleasure and for the fulfillment that I get emotionally.

Ultimately my ideal goal would be 125 pounds give or take 5 pounds (preferably the latter ;). This is going to be REALLY hard for me, but I want to write down how much I weight for a couple reasons #1 because I feel like being honest will be very freeing and #2 because I feel like it will motivate me to start dropping the pounds... I weigh 155 pounds now. When I get on the scale I am shocked every time, so I try not to stand on the thing very often, it always gets me down! The most I have EVER weighed was at the end of my pregnancy with Madi, I was a whopping 197!! And it was Very very hard for me to accept and take in, I think that was the epitome of me feeling hideous! Then I lost 67 pounds in 10 weeks, I weighed 130 and felt great! So, I know that I can do it again...

So here is to the start of my journey to becoming healthier, thinner, and hopefully more comfortable in my own skin again ;)

Expectations Exceeded!

2009-10-27T09:39:00.015-06:00

Adam and I decided that for his annual vacation we wanted to take a trip to the Black Hills. I was thinking that it would be nice to get away, and of course I wanted to see Mount Rushmore because it is one of America's trademark monuments...

Little did I know that I would be blown away at the Beauty and extravagance of beautiful South Dakota. I was in awe and admiration the whole time soaking in the elegance of true nature!

As we arrived late on Thursday night we went and viewed Rushmore, it was awesome with the lights shining upward at the monument... But when we woke up the next morning we really saw the beauty of all that surrounded us. We spent the next two full days taking it all in and appreciating ever second of it. All the while taking 300+ pictures! I know, I know, a little much BUT I couldn't help it. It was all so amazing. I had to capture the moments. After all, memories last a lifetime! Photos are tangible memories, and they are what I live for!

We stayed at Super 8 in Keystone, SD - the closest that we could get to Rushmore. It was a cute place with very friendly staff. We did so many fabulous things... We started out Friday Morning and toured Mount Rushmore state park, and viewed the monument, it was spectacular to say the least. Later on in the day we went to Bear Country and got to see all of the amazing wildlife, including Bears (yep two feet away from my car - it was crazy), buffalo, elk, and so much more. That night we strolled through Rapid City, Sturgis, Deadwood and back to Rapid city - driving through the canyons, it was amazing! It really gave us a feel for how truly small we are in comparison to Gods wonders. The next day we started out by touring the Rushmore Caves, it is amazing what nature can create. We then headed through some beautiful back roads, canyons and mountains to Hill City. Then we continued on our way through, passing by Crazy Horse Memorial, which was another awesome view. Then we drove through Custer and took a scenic highway that led us to Highway 16. We saw so much wildlife on the way: multiple deer, turkeys, rams, and more! We took the most amazing route ever on 16A back to Keystone. It was Iron Mountain Road. Toward the end of the route we hit the very tip top of the mountain and climbed up the rocks. The views were phenomenal - it was my favorite part of the trip! The mountain overlooked the Black Hillsand gave us an amazing far view of Mount Rushmore, it was breathtaking!! God is so awesome, he created a beautiful place for us, my mind was blown!! We then went into Rapid City for the night, Had a fabulous dinner in downtown. We walked through Art Alley, it was pretty cool to see all of the walls painted and graffitied.
The next day we headed home on the ten hour drive, it was a good time.

I will go back - Keystone was a cute quaint town. I would love to experience it all in the summer when we can do all of the summer festivities like gold panning, taking the train tour, and doing all of the fun outdoor things.

I look forward to heading back again someday... And I look forward to future trips to come!

Another {Awesome} Recipe

2009-10-21T11:00:00.009-05:00

Perfect Pumpkin Bread

15 Ounce can of Pumpkin Puree

4 eggs

1 cup of vegetable oil

2/3 cup of water

3 cups of sugar (can be substituted for splenda)

3 1/2 cups of all purpose flour

2 teaspoons of baking soda

2 teaspoons of salt

2 1/2 teaspoons of pumpkin pie spice

Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees F.

Spray 2 loaf pans.

In a large bowl combine Pumpkin Puree, eggs, oil, water and sugar until it is well blended.

In a separate bowl combine flour, salt, baking soda, seasoning.

Make a hole in the center of the flour mix and slowly mix in the Pumpkin mixture. Combine well.

Pour the mixture into the two loaf pans.

Bake for approximately 50 minutes or until an inserted toothpick comes out clean.

'Tis the season for some yummy comfort food.

I was attempting to make the perfect Pumpkin bread, because Adams Mom, who is out of town, always makes it this time of year. I looked around in search of the perfect recipe. I found a few that looked good. And combined some of the different ideas. I baked two loaves and it was all eaten in a couple of days. Everyone loved it, all of my co-workers included :)

Enjoy!

Words

2009-10-20T11:53:00.012-05:00

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless."

Mother Theresa

For all of those moments that you need an inspiring word, or a lift me up.

For the times when you need to hear the truth, and a good word would do the trick.

For the times when all we need to hear is an encouraging word.

For those times, I asked my Facebook friends to give me some of their favorite quotes - here is what I got:

Rebekah Sfair
“What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies.” - Aristotle

Aleksandra Ann
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched...but are felt in the heart.

Trudy Groppoli Baltazar
because where you LIVE should not decide...whether you live or whether you die....Bono

Scott Oakman
"Stand up for justice, stand up for truth; and God will be at your side forever." --Martin Luther King, Jr.

Scott Oakman
...either that, or "It's just a flesh wound".

Patrick Eckstrom
"All that arises eventually goes away," - A Buddhist Monk talking about the only certainty he's learned over the course of the previous 30 years while practicing as a monk.

Sarah Smith
" the oxygen we need is all around us, sometimes we just need to be reminded to breathe."

Sherie Cottrell
This to Shall pass!!!!!
I love this it's so true and has gotten me through so many of life's wonderful challenges :)
said by the guy in the hotel to Julia Roberts in 'My best friends Wedding'

Lauren Elizabeth Schnarr
We cannot become what we need to be, remaining what we are

Trudy Groppoli Baltazar
This place is not my permanent home, nor will this be the place where I get all my rewards

Aaron Moser
We will not survive unless we change, yet we cannot change unless we survive.

Rachel Boatman
"Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly. Leave the rest up to God." ~Ronald Reagan

Trudy Groppoli Baltazar
"Laughter is the best medicine" it even blesses the person who makes someone laugh.

Adam Moser
"whats your name?"

Christina Thompson
"Live each day as if it were your last"

Ashley Ashbacher
"Faith is the conviction that God knows more than we do about this life and He will get us through it." --Max Lucado

Karolyn Byers
"If the dog wouldn't of stop to take a crap, he would have caught the rabbit" John Boomgaarden

Gayle Nitti
The strongest oak of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It is the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun. -- Napoleon Hill

Katherine Otto
'teachers never stop learning.' katie otto
i also love this one....
'an eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind.' Gandhi

Eileen Quittem
My dad: He who eats the fastest gets the mostest! Ha-Ha!

Rachel Boatman
"Life is one grand, sweet song, so start the music!" ~Ronald Reagan

Lauren Kriz
''No man is worth your tears and the man that is won't make you cry.''

Katherine Otto
sometimes the hardest things to let go of are the things you don't need

Sarah Eisen
Never cry at night over not being pretty enough. Never tell yourself you'll never be good enough. Because to someone you're everything. To someone you're beautiful. To someone you are the world.

Sarah Eisen
or my favorite: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

Amanda Haider
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" ~Dr. Seuss

Josh Glassing
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more

Lucas Stombaugh
"Here's the deal,..."

Myrna Foster
Everything has a purpose in life. :D

Steve Kubes
9 on the break!!!

Emarie Williams Klos
I know I'm late... but I was cleaning! :)"Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts." - Charles Dickens

Alicia Fry
"It is finished" -Jesus

Rebecca Rosario
'...Whenever troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.' James 1:2-4

I am going to end this post with one of my all time favorite quotes, because I really do believe that Love is the one thing that truly makes this world go round.

'I have decided to stick with Love ♥ Hate is too great a burden to bear.' MLKJ

De-Stress

2009-10-20T08:36:00.003-05:00

I have been so stressed and internalizing it all. I haven't been coping well and I think that it is taking a toll on my overall health. I am tired, and emotionally drained, and I feel as though I am sick way more often than I should be. The sickness led me to start investigating... check, check, check - I fit all of the symptoms... Yep, I am stressed!

I have decided that in order to find a better healthy balance I need to make some changes. After thinking about it all I have decided that I want to set some goals. Awareness will be my number one goal because often I am not even aware of what the issues are.

1. Be Aware -
Take a moment each day to see how I am feeling. Spend a little time to daily reflect. Relax.
2. Start caring for myself more -
Make it a habit to do little things throughout the day for myself; indulge in some way whether it be alone time with God, a bath, or going for that much needed run.
3. Start becoming more healthy -
Physically: I am starting to run again, and it feels great, I am signing up for a 5k and will be setting a goal time! I am attempting to eat more consciously, all too often I eat for pleasure and I overindulge.
Spiritually: I really need and want to start turning to God more, and praying... I really feel that this will make all the difference.
Emotionally: I need to slow down and reflect, prioritize, and take care of Me!

I have a feeling that some much needed changes are about to come, and I am excited.

I am caring for myself FIRST so that I am better able to care for others

2009-10-08T10:27:00.005-05:00

Putting Yourself First
Daily Self-Care

'We have all heard the instructions of an airline attendant reminding us to put on our own oxygen mask before we help anyone else with theirs. This advice is often cited as a metaphor for self-care because it so accurately expresses why it is important. It seems to say, ironically, that if you can’t take care of yourself for yourself, do it for others. Few situations in our daily lives mimic the wake-up call of an airplane emergency, so it’s easy to keep putting self-care off—easy, that is, until we get sick, overwhelmed, or exhausted, and suddenly don’t have the energy to care for the people who count on us. That’s when we realize we haven’t been getting the oxygen we need to sustain ourselves. We begin to understand that taking care of ourselves is neither selfish nor indulgent; it’s just plain practical.

Putting yourself first means that it may be necessary to say no to someone else in order to say yes to yourself. For many of us, there is always something we feel we could be doing for someone else, and it helps to remember the oxygen metaphor. You can even encourage yourself by saying "I am caring for myself so that I am better able to care for others" or some other mantra that will encourage you. It also helps to remember that self-care doesn’t have to be composed of massively time-consuming acts. In fact, the best prescription for taking care of yourself is probably small, daily rituals; for example, taking one half-hour for yourself at the beginning and end of the day to meditate, journal, or just be. You might also transform the occasional daily shower or bath into a half-hour self-pampering session.

Whatever you decide, making some small gesture where you put yourself first every day will pay off in spades for you and the ones you love. The oxygen you need is all around you; sometimes you just need to be reminded to breathe.'

I was reminded today by my courageous sister that we can lose ourselves while trying to please others or take care of others before we take care of ourselves. People pleasing is something that many people find themselves trapped by. Our society teaches us that selfishness is a bad thing, that we need to put others first. I want to clarify... taking care of yourself first is not a selfish act - it is a vital act. one that is healthy for you and all of your relationships. How are you supposed to take care of someone if you are sick and in need of taking care of yourself first? Often we are not kind to ourselves. When we take care of others and put them first we often build up resentment toward that person... putting strain on the relationship, which in turn hurts everyone involved. Don't ever make a decision out of guilt, or a feeling of obligation. Don't listen to that little people pleasing voice inside that says 'I should do this/that...' Make decisions in your mind and your heart, do what you want and need, not what others want - if you make choices trying to please someone you are not being honest and fair with yourself. I always remind myself to never do anything that will be half-hearted, if my heart is not fully there, then I will say no, just follow what your heart tells you.

Just remember, "I am caring for myself FIRST so that I am better able to care for others." If need be, write this down and remind yourself everyday - it will help you to find balance in your choices and decisions.

Peaceful Serenity

2009-10-01T14:28:00.002-05:00

My body is tried, and my mind is cluttered with thoughts... As I live this thing that we call life, I feel exhausted! Maybe it is the lack of sleep or just maybe my list of To-do's. What I would really love at this very moment is to take some time away - for just me and God.

To be swept away in Gods arms and focus on only him and Me - what a thought...

I went for a run last night, and as you all know the weather is cooling outside. As I began my run, I didn't anticipate all that I experienced. The wind blowing through my hair, my body beginning to respond to movement, I felt alive - surrounded by Gods beauty. The trees changing color, the sound of all of the wildlife around me. My mind cleared and as I focused on pushing my body further I felt exhilarated, and I felt Gods presence... It was, for lack of a better word, amazing.

As my run came to an end and I began to approach my house, a part of me didn't want it to end - although my body and lungs were telling me otherwise - I loved the feeling of a peaceful solitude, something that I don't know that I had ever experienced before. Maybe I am growing up and becoming my own, becoming independant or hopefully more confident to be by myself and not have the need to be surrounded by chaos. Alone-ness is underrated!

I look forward to continuing my small beautiful moments with God as Autumn blossoms...

Dancing in the rain

2009-09-25T15:20:00.005-05:00

As life would have it no other way - we have to face trials every now and again... Sometimes things are seeming to go great and then unexpectedly a huge storm rolls in, and you are unprepared with no umbrella in hand.

I must live in Seattle or something because the storms come often it seems, sometimes they are only small, sprinkles here and there, but sometimes they seem never ending like huge storms that seem to take forever to pass, and pound on my soul. At that point I am just waiting for the sun to return again.

Then I feel as though I am lacking and that I need some sunshine in my life... but then something always seems to remind me of all those things that bring light into my life. My Daughter, who is the sun itself to my life, she is amazing... as well as so many other things that I have been blessed with: God, My Mom, Adam, My fabulous church that is filled with people who love me, friends, good times, great places, and fun things... I can go on and on... I am going to try to remind myself that I am allowed to dance in the rain, and sometimes that is the funnest way to dance, is through the storm.

Keeping my head up, my face toward the sky, and letting the rain fall down on my face, it is refreshing... renewing... and I am learning through it all.

Just think about it this way...

2009-09-25T15:15:00.001-05:00

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." ~Author Unknown

Who am I to Judge?

2009-09-18T12:21:00.001-05:00

"Judging requires that you think yourself superior over the one you judge."

"What right did he have to judge anyone? ... All his judgments had been superficial, based on appearance and actions, things easily interpreted by whatever state of mind or prejudice that supported the need to exalt himself, or to feel safe, or to belong." (pp. 159-160) The Shack

Rebecca's Raving Recipes

2009-09-18T11:54:00.002-05:00

Yep, I am sorta infamous for throwing food together and it turning out pretty well. I need to satrt documenting these delicious dishes so I figured that this would be the best way...
So here I go. I am starting out with one of my all time faves:

Tator Tot Casserole

Lawry's Garlic Salt
Lawry's Seasoned Salt
2 Tablespoon's of Worcestershire
1 Pound of Ground Beef
1 bag of Birds Eye frozen Mixed Vegetables
1 can of Cream of Mushroom Soup
1 1/2 cup of Cheddar Cheese Shredded
1/2 Bag of Tator Tots

Pre heat oven to 375degrees.

Brown the beef on the skillet, adding both of the Lawry's seasonings (to your liking), also add Worcestershire. Once it is cooked through, drain meat in a colander.

Prepare the vegetables, once they are cooked mix the Meat and Vegetables together.
Add the can of Cream of mushroom soup, and 3/4 cup of cheese. Mix well.

Place the mixture into a casserole pan - 9x9 or 8x8 work best. Top with the remaining cheese. Bake for 15 minutes, then add the tator tots to the top of the mixture. Cover the top with the tots, be sure not to have them overlapping for cooking purposes.

Place back into the oven for approx 25 minutes or until the tots are crispy.

Let cool, ENJOY!!

More recipes to come :)

Money Money Money Muh-Nay!!

2009-09-14T12:51:00.004-05:00

I like that song because sometimes that is what my life feels like - consumed by the thought of money and of course more than that - Money Issues! We have all been there...

A place that I have never been before now is becoming a victim of money fraud. Yes!! Someone used my bank account to make purchases, and from Great Britain none the less. At first I was confused, then frantic, irritated, LIVID!!, frustrated, and now I have finally given it all to God and I am at Peace. I know that no matter the outcome, life will go on and God is in control.

My bank account - due to VERY LARGE AMOUNT of the transactions that had posted from these fraudulent charges - is now negative. I have hope though that everything will work out for the best and that justice will be done. I had to file a claim, and I am hoping that it is processed and not questioned. We will see how everything goes!

I never thought that something like this would happen to me, I always thought that I was careful and safe about stuff, until I was reading up on how to protect yourself, I suggest that everyone do the same - take a few minutes to become knowledgeable about how to prevent Fraud from happening to you. HERE is one of the millions of articles that are out there.

Prayer is much appreciated :)

Choices.... Choices... Choices...

2009-09-09T10:04:00.001-05:00

YOUR life is shaped by YOUR choices... so what are you going to choose to do with YOUR life?

One moment does not define me...

2009-09-01T10:35:00.002-05:00

"There is not one moment that defines you. Therefore, you cannot be judged or judge one another by one single interaction or encounter. Rather, every decision defines you. It is a series of interfaces that helps you to understand another individual, and even helps you to understand yourself. The more you observe yourself and dissect the reasoning behind your words and decisions, the more you will be defined."

I Miss my Baby!

2009-08-27T11:34:00.004-05:00

As I was getting ready for work this morning all Madi wanted to do was to be held close in my arms! I love her, and she has been a little clingier than usual, wanting to be with me more and more - yesterday everytime I stood up she would start crying like I was going to be leaving her or something...

I am sorta sad because I really really want to be there with her and for her every second of the day. This morning was rough leaving her. Madi didn't want me to leave... the tears and screams were hard to resist and I probably held her too long, which made it harder... I won't see her until next Monday :(

5 days... really!? That is so hard, to go that long without seeing my little cutie! I just {still} don't understand why the courts would suggest a 5 day period without me seeing my little girl! I really am missing her right now...

Please say a prayer for the whole situation... The divorce isn't final yet, Child Support still hasn't been agreed upon. Dan does not want to make any changes to the schedule, which conflicts with my schooling. Childcare also seems to be a promising issue - we will see. Honestly, I just really want all of this to be over, and I want us to both be able to see our baby, but 5 days is way too long of a duration to go for either of us...

Thank-Full Friday

2009-08-21T13:46:00.004-05:00

I am thank-{FULL} for:

...Madi, my beautiful baby

...My Job as Operations Mananger for Groom Construction

...Health and Hapiness

...The beauty that surrounds me

... For great friends and family

...A beautiful home, to call my own!

200 later

2009-08-20T14:01:00.002-05:00

My Mom will tell you that I was born an adult - 'Responsible, and ready to take on the world...' and in some ways she is right, but I haven't always felt that way in every sense...
I am just a girl, and I think that I will always be 'Just a girl'. My Mom is a fabulous woman, who has made her fair share of mistakes - as we all have - in some ways I followed her footsteps and in other ways I deliberately became everything that she was not - you know how the saying goes about being like your 'Mom'.

I was unplanned for sure, conceived one night after 18 months of separation during the divorce process, I may have been an accident, but God obviously had some different plans! I believe that I was meant to be, That is my idea and I am sticking to it.

I am a sister, a daughter, and a Mother who has experienced so much in such a short life of 24 years and 191 days. I was born to a single Mom, who was in college, I was her second of three children and that is where my story began. My life as a kid was pretty unstable, which leaves me to say that there is no simple way to explain where and what my childhood was like, I have so many different recollections of what life looked like, and to be honest it is hard for me to know what happened when, I just have all of these memories floating around, and they make up and define who I am today...

Drugs, abuse and instability is what I grew up experiencing. I would never want to relive my childhood, but I wouldn't change it, only because I am happy with who I am today... I will say though that although I grew up in utter chaos, I felt like there is one thing that I never lacked, and it was Love - whether it came from my Mom, My Grandma, or My Sister - it was there, and I truly believe that as a human, that is the one thing that is necessary for healthy survival.

As I approached the 200th post I really began to recollect this whole blogging process, it has been truly amazing. There is something so liberating about spilling to the world your heart and your emotions, putting yourself out there in such a vulnerable way, and with it has come growth for me, it has been a great endeavor this past year writing what is on my mind.

So I have decided to re-post something that I feel really captures my life in a little nutshell of 100 words - it was a brilliant idea, and I thought about writing a 200 word autobiography but decided against it, because it was so well written in 100 words...

So here it is My 100 Word Autobiography

Unplanned pregnancy, Mom wanted me.
Loving Grandparents. Tumultuous times.
Addicted Father, passive Mother.
Mom remarried - Drug addicted Stepfather.
Drug raid, Foster home, Mother in jail.
Life spiraled downward. Hardships galore.
Instability. I Attempted perfection, wanted control.
Mom finally left him.
We were free.
Mother depressed.
Light appeared, Jesus - Glimmer of hope.
Moved to Minnesota. Alone. Depressed.
Found guy. Wanted Stability. Very abusive…finally left.
Broken. Hurt. Rebounded, met another Man. Married. Turned from God again.
Felt imprisoned.
Pregnancy. Struggle. Had a BEAUTIFUL BABY!
Cancer discovered. Marriage failing. Ultimatum, then Divorce.
Starting over, Serving Jesus… Taking one step at a time.

Please Excuse the Dust!

2009-08-20T12:16:00.002-05:00

Blog Remodeling Taking Place! Sorry for the inconvenience.

Thank you

Busy, Busy... too busy to add a third busy...

2009-08-17T10:40:00.007-05:00

So being a HUGE socialite, working full-time, and being a Mom, as well as sooo many other things- I have been ridiculously busy - which I am sure is needless to say, but I am saying it anyway. Maybe my schedule needs to take a break...it doesn't happen often that I have a free night available, and my schedule is booked out about two weeks - I know it sounds like my life is a business, right?!

My spirits are a little down at the moment, only because I miss my little girl. we have been on the go and doing stuff all summer that I feel as though I haven't had a moment to sit down, look her in her beautiful eyes and tell her how I love her oh so much. It has been fast paced and I just want to have some much needed quality time with my Baby Girl! So I have decided that Madi is my Priority from now on, she will be my nightly event and I am going to put her name in everyday on my calendar! I feel like I have been a neglectful Mom, not necessarily a bad Mom, but I haven't been being the Mom that I really Want to be... A Mom who pays attention to ALL of the small things, a Mom who is there at any needed moment, a Mom who has time to adore all of the precious moments of her fast paced life... I love her, and she is already 16 months, I don't want to miss any of this time that I have with her!

Being a Mom is my TOP priority.

Stupid is a relative term...

2009-08-13T12:13:00.006-05:00

"Stupid is as stupid does."

Are we really defined by our choices? Am I a stupid person because I am defined as making stupid decisions or acting stupid once in a while?? I would say that we are not defined by our choices... just because I may do stupid things doesn't make me a stupid person.

If we were defined by our 'stupid' actions I believe that we would ALL, yes ALL - meaning everyone - would be defined as being stupid. Look at the definition here:

stu·pid
play_w2("S0827600")
(stpd, sty-)
adj. stu·pid·er, stu·pid·est
1. Slow to learn or understand; obtuse.
2. Tending to make poor decisions or careless mistakes.
3. Marked by a lack of intelligence or care; foolish or careless: a stupid mistake.
4. Dazed, stunned, or stupefied.
5. Pointless; worthless: a stupid job.

Can you think of anyone who hasn't been 'Stupid'?? Well, I can't... don't we all define stupid once in a while?

Just a thought, figured I would blog about what was on my crazy mind. I know, I am weird! what can I say... Maybe I define stupid once in awhile.

Beauty is in your eye, in your heart

2009-08-06T11:09:00.001-05:00

There is beauty in everything, sometimes we see it and sometimes we don't... just open your eyes and look a little harder.

Life is great

2009-08-04T11:55:00.003-05:00

My outlook today is amazing for some reason... I must have woken up on the right side of the bed! it probably helps that things in life right now are going really well, I do love being in a happy mood, I think that I am going to choose to be happy more often!

I am feeling quite inspirational today, and my mind is racing from one place to another with some fabulous thoughts, I just don't know how to get them out in a verbal way, so I will just smile and keep them to myself for once!

I got a promotion, I am officially now the Operations Manager for Groom Construction, I am so excited! I feel appreciated, and I feel like working my little-big tush off for this company!

Madilynn's 15 Month Shoot

2009-07-28T11:58:00.005-05:00

Click HERE to visit CT Ryan Studios and view more pics of her!

Orthostatic Hypotension

2009-07-27T09:12:00.002-05:00

So apparently salt IS good for me! No but seriously, the dizziness, faintness and lightheadedness is getting old... and it is irritating. The symptoms worsened about two weeks ago, I can barely go long periods during the day now without feeling the symptoms, and it is a sickening feeling at times - almost like I am coming down with the flu or something. I feel like I am in a haze, I am really woozy, and sluggish!

I went to the Doc on Friday and got some great news - They confirmed that I have Orthostatic Hypotension - which means I am closer to finding something to help these icky symptoms that I have been having. It is more than likely an underlying symptom of something greater. So for now I am waiting on the results...

{Love}

2009-07-24T13:59:00.004-05:00

Love is such a complex word... written too simply!

I hate the complexity of the simple word we call Love, there should be so many more words to describe such a meaningFULL word - that has so many contexts.

I Love God. I love sushi. I love my daughter. I love to travel. I love my Mom. I love the smell of rain. I love music. I love my church. I love my girlfriends

Every single love that I experience is different, why is there only one word for it??

Words for thought

2009-07-24T11:22:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow's life is too late. Live today.
-Marcus Valerius Martialis

My Blogging Purpose: Thinking outloud for all to hear

2009-07-23T13:27:00.004-05:00

Everyone loves to be heard, but often we aren't heard, but it still feels good to let it all out - to process it... To Blog!

Thinking out loud - in the sense of writing - has been so freeing, and liberating. According to society and cultural standards saying some things are viewed as being offensive, rude, inappropriate, or disrespectful... The great thing about having my own blog, is that I can say what is on my mind and if anyone has a problem with it they don't have to read it or listen to it - they are entitled to their own opinions and they even have the option of informing me on what their thoughts are by leaving me a comment...

I encourage everyone I know to blog because it has been a great experience for me, and has been very therapeutic - not only that the only thing that we have to offer this world is ourselves, I figure that if this blog touches one person then it was not done in vain, it is then worth all of my time and effort.

Blogging to be heard.

Proverbs 3:5-6

2009-07-23T08:16:00.001-05:00

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding.

6 Seek his will in all you do,

and he will show you which path to take.

A blog for Madi

2009-07-20T14:28:00.003-05:00

The Things That Madder

(click here to link to the new blog)

So I have decided to start a blog solely for Madi - to create memories that will reflect the beauty of her life as she grows, looking back I wish that I would have done this sooner but rather late than never!

Hypotension?

2009-07-17T08:13:00.007-05:00

I hate to be a Debbie Downer and keep dwelling on the negative, I just honestly want to feel better though...
I have seen so many doctors in the past year - so many that I don't even have enough fingers to count them all, so I gave up. I have been told that I have Addison's Disease, Hypotension, chronic fatigue, extraordinarily low BP, orthostatic hypotension, the simple case of being a 'New Mommy', and so many other little things... Every doctor seems to have their own opinion, and none of them seem overly concerned. When my BP is 80/46 - Last time I went to the doc - they responded, 'Oh, it is good to have low blood pressure.' Really? even if it is constant, even when I was prego it was low, and the funny thing is that I can never get enough salt and that is supposed to raise your bp!
Seriously, I can see how it can be a culmination of things (it doesn't help, with all of the changes that have gone on this past year...) but I am sure that there is a core issue that is not being treated here. Daily dizziness, fatigue, and faintness are no fun, and have to be the result of something that is going on deeper, right?! Can someone just please start taking it seriously, because it is getting irritating!
So, I have taken the liberty of trying to advocate for myself, by seeking a diagnosis- not the best idea, I know, considering I have no medical education - So, I have been looking up my symptoms. All of the issues I deal with really seem symptomatic of Hypotension of some sort...
Anyway, I am going to go and see a pulmonary sleep specialist to see if maybe I have some sleeping problems, because I am so exhausted all of the time, even if I get plenty of sleep, hopefully the sleep study will reveal something!

What is worth more... Cash or Silver?

2009-07-15T09:12:00.006-05:00

I had the opportunity to meet with Terry and Darryl, Bev's Daughter and Son in Law. They introduced me to an amazing concept... Working together as a community to attain silver, before the price skyrockets - is the jist of it. I know it may sound rediculous, but after seeing the presentation it made complete sense!

I was a little leary at first, thinking that it may be a pyramid scheme of sorts, but after seeing the presentation I am reassured that joining Silver Mania, is the way to go!

I was able to go to Silver Mania's Website and read up on all of what they have to offer. I discovered some great links to some videos.

I have read some of the Rich Dad Poor Dad series and was completely swept off of my feet by all of the financial knowlege and wisdom that I gained from the books. From the Silver Mania website I linked to a video that Robert Kiyosaki's (the Author of the Rich Dad series) gold and silver investor, Maloney created.

I suggest that you look into it, you have nothing to loose, and a lot to gain. This is going to be life changing!

I may not know how to play, but that Doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the beauty of the music

2009-07-14T08:14:00.001-05:00

Justin King - Knock on Wood

With everything in me, I want to do this! For some reason I feel so passionate about music at the moment... and the guitar is amazing, possibilities seem endless with the type of music you can make...

How To Contact Me:

2009-07-14T08:01:00.003-05:00

I am reachable via email:
rrosario21@gmail.com

or you can leave a response on one of my posts with all of your information and I will get back to you at my earliest convenience.

Thank you

The Beauty of Grace we are given

2009-07-09T09:39:00.000-05:00

"Just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."
(p. 185) The Shack

People Die Everyday

2009-07-07T15:02:00.007-05:00

And it is just a part of life, hopefully when you die you will have left a legacy... not necessarily monetarily speaking, but a legacy of a life lived to the fullest, of a life that was lived giving to others.

So... Michael Jackson died, and his memorial service was today. I am indifferent about the situation, but I am not related to him; Yes, I think he was very talented, and yes, it is sad that he died and he will be missed by many, especially his poor children who lost a Dad. BUT seriously... is all of the hype, obsession, and idolization necessary!? He was only human like all of us, holy cow, it is being so overly publicized, it is ridiculous! I couldn't imagine being the family, and feeling overwhelmed at how publicized his death is!

It is great how when Mother Theresa died it was a humble thing, she was not idolized, but her death was mourned, in an appropriate manner. Something that I just totally think was a "God thing" was that she died a couple of days after Princess Di... it was such a beautiful thing because she wasn't put up on a pedestal, she didn't die in the limelight, which I am sure is what she would have wanted. She lived a selfless life, one that was full of love and sacrifice, and like Michael Jackson, and like you and I, Mother Theresa was only human. She lived a life filled with Love, the Love that God has for his people, and it was such a beautiful thing.

I hope to live a life like Mother Theresa, one that will leave a legacy to many people, I only fear that my own selfishness will get in the way of my legacy left.

I can't walk on water without God

2009-07-02T12:31:00.000-05:00

"If you try to live this without me, without the ongoing dialogue of us sharing this journey together, it will be like trying to walk on the water by yourself. You can't! And when you try, however well-intentioned, you're going to sink."
(p. 180) The Shack

A Touchy, BUT Relevant, Topic

2009-07-01T07:32:00.002-05:00

Here is a comment to a blog post that I posted quite a few months ago:
-I don't think the media is supporting abortion. I think they are simply acknowledging a woman's right to control her own body. I love babies also, but I love my right to control my uterus even more.

Here is my response:
-I think that one of the problems with abortion is the lack of responsibility. Sex Ed is taught at a very young age so most everyone knows what the possibilities are if they have sex. When you make the decision to have sex you are responsible to face the consequences that come along with it. One of which is when you choose to have sex you have the possibility of becoming pregnant. If you become pregnant, in my opinion, it is then your responsiblility to follow through with those consequences, and I beleive that NO MATTER WHAT a baby is always a good consequence - it may compromise your life or be an inconvenience, but a baby is never a bad thing; regardless of who, what , where and when it happens.

I am not saying that with abortion there should be condemnation or shame on the woman at all! We are human and we all make mistakes, and everyone has their own individual situations. I am not here to judge anyone, I know we all have our own situations. I personally live in Grace, God's Grace. But what I am saying is that I beleive that a life is way more precious than a womans right over her uterous. I do believe that we should have the right over our bodies but I feel as though a life is something that is so much more precious than the choice to terminate a life that is growing inside of you. I understand as well that there are other instances such as rape, incest, and medical issues... and I know that when that is the case I couldn't even imagine how hard of a decision that would be to make. I don't blame any woman who chooses to have an abortion regardless of the situation, I have made so many questionable decisions in my lifetime, who am I to judge? I am sure that when that choice is made it is probably a really tough one.

To state it again, I have been in hard places and have made some bad decisions, so in no way am I judging anyone who gets an abortion. It is just sad to me for both the woman and her unborn baby, because both are drastically affected by the choice to have an abortion in a negative way. I don't believe that abortion is ever the right decision, because like I said before Life is the most precious gift that we can receive. It is not fair for us to take that away from an innocent baby. That is why I whole heartedly beleive that while you are 'sexually active' it is important to be aware of the consequences. Life is more precious than 'Control of our Uterous'.

Have you ever had a baby growing inside of you? Like I said, it changes your life forever…

Fortune Cookie's taste soo good

2009-06-29T15:53:00.001-05:00

"Why we are here is important, but to know where we are going is imperative. It's not what you've got, it's what you use, that makes a difference in how your life turns out. "- Zig Ziglar

Small things do make a difference

2009-06-26T07:50:00.011-05:00

We are all entitled to live our own lives, and how we live it is up to us as individuals making choices for ourselves. We have been given a free will to make our own decisions for the direction of our life. So many have a hard time taking responsibility for themselves, and some people want to take responsibility for others... Our culture gives us these unhealthy views of boundaries telling us all lies about where our responsibilities lie. According to the Law of Boundaries we are only responsible for ourselves (and to others). We are responsible for our actions, our thoughts, our own choices, and attitudes and no one Else's. Every choice you make has a consequence, whether it is a good one or bad one, it is yours to make.

Knowing this it blows my mind that people ask, "If there is a God why is there evil and why do bad things happen, why is our world filled with hurt?" and here is my simple answer - you can take it or leave it: "Because we, as a human race, have made bad choices. Our 'free-will' has corrupted the world. And people have chosen evil over good. Gods will is perfect and whole, and if he forced it on us then things would be 'Perfect', and there really would be world peace, this world would no longer know hurt like we know it now! But if we were to give up our free will to God then we would be like robots. I don't know about you, but personally I would rather be an individual who has a soul, and can make choices for myself, and be challenged as I face my life and the hardships that I face, and grow when I make mistakes. The choices that people have made and continue to make affect our world. God has been so gracious to give us the freedom and blessing of having a free will, so here it is, said by me, "God is not responsible for all of the hurt, all of the poverty, all of the bad that has happened here on earth. We, the people of this world - The Human Race, are the ones responsible for the messes that we have created as individuals. Don't blame God for the bad choices that people have made or even the choices that you yourself have made, because he isn't responsible for those choices."

So, I challenge you to think about this: How can you make good decisions for the world, how can you make a difference and help, what can you do to help end poverty, what can you do to help end hurt?

Mother Teresa said: "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." So I challenge you to do just that. The world is not on your shoulders, but you do have a life to live and small choices to make that can make an impact on this world. Reflecting back on Mother Teresa's life we can see that she made an amazing difference in so many lives - even in the world - she didn't change the world, but she did make a difference. Mother Teresa actively gave of herself, day in and day out, she was hands on with people that needed her, and needed help. She is an example of Gods will for this world - and she was fully human, and imperfect, not a saint - she made some really great choices for her life, and lived out Gods will for her - imagine what our lives would be like if we did the same! How can you be an example of God to this world in need, this world hurting??

My church has started this group called 'The Theology Pub'. We are instructed to read a book, one that is assigned to us. For next month we need to read a book titled The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical. As I packed up my apartment I began listening to this book on audio, and found myself pondering about all that God wants to do with my life, and about what I can do to make a difference, to help start a revolution in this hurting world. I haven't finished the book, but so far - 6 chapters in - it is amazing. I am challenged and now I have a new perspective on how I should live this life. Ask yourself this, Who are you living for? For Yourself... For others... For God... who?

We all talk about how we wish for world peace, and how This should really be like That. So lets do it, start making small decisions to start a revolution for change, because if we all stepped in to make a difference a huge difference would be made. I am challenged to start walking my talk, and living this life making small choices with great love to make positive changes
"Most good things have been said far too many times and just need to be lived." — Shane Claiborne {Author of the book The Irresistible Revolution}.

It is Officially Mine!!

2009-06-25T13:42:00.002-05:00

Who You REALLY are?

2009-06-22T08:17:00.001-05:00

Character is who you are when people Aren't around...

As if My "Mom-Mind" was read

2009-06-19T11:40:00.006-05:00

running across this fabulous site called blogher.com, a community for Women who blog... There is a group that is so me that it screams my name!

It is called: This is my "Mom Body" not my real one.

Here is the synopsis:

"This is my "mom body" not my real one. My real one is hidden under large, stretchy, itchy clothes that are meant to camoflauge my "muffin top". My real one is screaming to get out, but I am busy eating my kids' left over lunch so I can't hear it. My real one is skinny, hot, and dying to be discovered under this imposter body. I still look for clothes for my real body, but my "mom body" won't fit in to them. My "mom body" is the one I catch in the mirror and am startled as if I just saw a stranger in my bathroom! I still feel like the old me, but I certainly don't look like her! Be gone "mom body". I need my real body to come out!"

~tommiealexander

new perspective on Love

2009-06-19T09:04:00.008-05:00

I am sickly in love, like I never imagined... Since becoming a Mother my perspectives have changed. The simplest of things are so much more important than they ever used to be.

Life has new color, and a more beautiful view. I live with a smile on my face daily, and a pride in my heart for my amazing daughter.

Yesterday as Madi, Meredith and I spent the evening together, I found myself laughing and smiling, and telling Madi how utterly cute she is inside and out. She makes my heart flutter, how can I love one person so much??

I find myself wondering if she will have the same love for me as I do for her... It is probably impossible, and she will probably never fully understand how much she means to me. She has changed my life, in so many great ways.

She is MY child, and God couldn't have created her more magnificently! As I watch her grow I am discovering more about who I am, and I am discovering more and more about God's love for me, as his child. Life is beautiful, I cannot even begin to conceptualize how truly blessed I am...

I am amazed at how powerful love is, i do believe that it can move mountains, My love for Madi has moved mountains in my life...

"I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you."
-Roy Croft

My baby is growing up

2009-06-17T08:38:00.014-05:00

Although I have a few baby books going, I can't help but feel like I am going to miss documenting some precious and priceless moments with my ever growing beautiful daughter.

Madi is doing fabulous! she is as cute as ever and loving her life.

A few fun facts about Madi at 14 Months old...
-she is: Climbing CLIMBING Climbing, all over Everyyything!
-Saying "whats-that" while pointing at anything and everything is a hobby of hers.
-Getting into everything possible, and snickering at me if my reply is "No."
-She hates laying still for me to change her diaper!

-She has so many curls, her hair is hard to tame... often it is scruffy in the back from her laying on it, so I will call her Scruffers!

-I think that she thinks she is a celebrity because I take so many pictures of her!

-Leanna, her cousin who she goes to daycare with, is her arch enemy. They beat eachother up and fight often. It is a love-hate relationship, I think that she is really Madi's best friend - she is a girl already, drama and all.
-Her knees are all scuffed up and bruised, from falling... she just gets right back up though without tears in her eyes now, she has learned to tough it out, and just keep going...
-She loves her bouncy horse and her princess mobile.

-Anything that makes noise is her favorite!

-If I say "Kisses" she puckers and puts her lips to mine, talk about melting my heart...

-She loves to climb stairs, but DOES NOT know how to come down them properly, I about have a heart attack everytime she goes for the stairs to go down... fearing she is going to crash pretty hard someday.

-She laughs a lot - by throwing her head back - and it is contagious.

-She throws some pretty good fits. She typically throws her body backward and falls to the floor hurting herself in the process. I find myself wondering what age 2 will be like.
-Her big thing is handing me something and yelling "Thank-you" at the top of her lungs, as if she is trying to let me know that I NEED to take it from her. Probably because I say thank you and reach my hand out to her to hand me something that she is not supposed to be touching!

-She is a screamer and she always has been, it is becoming more like a very loud, shrill, screech... I laugh, because little does she know it doesn't phase me much!

-I call her my Little Spunky, My Boogie, Babes, My Love, Mads, Babe-sters, and Madders!
-She will actually wear flip flops, the thong in between her toes doesn't bother her, amazingly, because everything else seems to bother her.
-She loves to share her food, even if it is soggy from already putting it in her mouth.
-She is extremely clingy to her Melody bear lately.
-She is off of the bottle for good, and she has no issues with it, she loves her sippy cup, and loves drinking out of a big girl cup.

-She would rather be naked than have me put clothes on her.

-She freaks out now when I pour water over her head in the bath, she used to be fine with it, I don't know where or when the switch occured.

-Mac and Cheese is by far her favorite food, I can tell because none of it ends up on the floor and when she eats it she says nummmm, numm, num, the whole time! - as well as all other noodles... -She likes to try and put my shoes on her feet.

-I am finally able to somewhat successfully brush her teeth.

-She loves Music, and is a natural dancer, I must say I am very proud of her dancing skills!
-Snacks are something that she must have all the time, but they end up all over the floor at home or in the car by the end of the day.
-She is quite opinionated... like she has been since the day she was born.
-She is taking her pacifier less and less, which is great.

-She is becoming a little more attatched to me and less receptive to being with strangers.
-Madi is very uninterested in TV, which is good I guess, although it is a bummer for me sometimes when I want her to be occupied so I can get stuff done:)
-I cannot get her to stay still, she is way too interested in running all over the place.
-She grows cuter and more adorable everyday, I cannot believe that I gave birth to such a beautiful child!
-She is a fun filled, entertainment for me, all I have to do is watch her and I will be amused!
-Yesterday she attempted to put my bra on, it was hilarious!

-Everything that looks like it can be put on goes over her head: My sunglasses, my purse, a shirt, socks... you name it she tries to put it on over her head.
-She says "Uh-Oh" a lot, which is fitting because she either drops or breaks everything...

-She is so smart, she loves taking my phone putting it up to her ear and babbling, I must be on my phone a lot...

-She loves to look at Pictures.
-I didn't baby-proof the house, and it is going pretty well so far, I just have to work with her a little bit.

-I am pretty sure that she loves both Dan and I ALOT, we are by far her favorite - which brings a smile to my face.

-She definetly undertsands the concept of Bye-Bye, and likes it :)
-The biggest thing that I have noticed is that she is a big girl now, it seems like there is no baby left in her...

Two days ago I was laying on the couch watching TV while she played with her toys, she picked up her bear, came up to me, and put her hand in my direction wiggling her fingers and grunting - signaling that she wanted me to pick her up - so I did, she actually layed still with me and we fell asleep snuggling on the couch together... It is the priceless moments like that when I feel so blessed and in love with my baby girl!

through sickness and health

2009-06-12T16:54:00.003-05:00

I have blogged through it all... but this Viral Respiratory Infection has got the best of me, so I haven't blogged or done much of anything else other than sleep over these past few days!

I got back from Vegas on Weds PM, and went to FPU, it was great.

So much has happened over the past week: Naomi and I took a trip to Vegas for her 21st Birthday, April and Sean have officially moved into a homeless transitional shelter called Mary's Palce (click to read more about the facility), I got really sick with a respiratory infection, I move to my new place in T-11 days!, Albert got his senior pics done by CT Ryan studios - some teasers are posted here, click to enlarge.

I would go into more detail about averything but I am dizzy, sick to my stomach, my head is pounding, and I cannot stop coughing, not to mention achy all over... so I will blog when I am feeling better.

Thanks for all of the prayer and support everyone, and for all of the help and assistance with April and Sean. Please continue to pray for their family!

Proud Auntie

2009-06-05T08:23:00.004-05:00

As Tamrah came to my home to photograph the newly born neice and nephew of mine, I had pretty high hopes for good shots... and boy did CT Ryan exceed my expectations, yet again.

The photos that were captured blew me away, I am very impressed, take a little sneak peek - you will deffinetly enjoy these shots!

Abby and Avery were great little models. They sure are happy and content babies as you can tell in the pictures, April was blessed! Two more babies to add to their beautiful family! They are now truly just like the 'Brady' bunch - funny thing is is that Brady is mine and Aprils maiden name :)

To check out the fabulous photographers click HERE

To get a better view link to CT Ryan Studios' blog Here
Click on the photos to enlarge them

What-a-Wonder-FULL-Wednesday

2009-06-03T09:15:00.006-05:00

So, it has been Days - litterally - since I last posted, and I don't want time to run away from me! I consider blogging awesome in so many ways: keeping people updated on me and my life, processing my thoughts, therapy, as a way to document my life as it happens... I know that one day I will look back and be happy that I did this, hopefully I will be able to print it and create a hardcopy book one day, for Madi to keep :)

Anyway, I have been trying to stay positive and in doing so I want the think of some wonderful things today.

1. I leave for Las Vegas on Sunday the 7th -throught the 10th -with Naomi, a near and dear friend of mine who will be celebrating her 21st birthday that same day, it will be a ton of fun! We will be lounging by the water soaking up the sun, and eating a lot of yummy food! Too bad she won't have her guitar in hand it is always fun to sing along together while she plays!

2. The weekend following Vegas, Madi and I will be heading up to Walker, MN to see Dan and Shirleys cabin. They have accomplished so much since we were last up there! I am thrilled to see how far it has come along in the building process. Dan designed it, it is amazingly elegant, and oh so functional, probably more so than any other place you have seen! He is so talented...

3. I will be moving into my new HOME! Yes, my own Home! I am thrilled, and blessed and soooo excited. I feel like I have been given so much, and I am so thankful, God has been so good to me! My new address as of June 24th 2009 will be: 7075 Blaine Avenue Inver Grove Heights, MN 55076. I cannot wait, it is beautiful and perfect!

4. I will be having a sleep study done in June sometime as well, and I am hoping that they can figure out why I am so exhausted all of the time, that is something I am looking forward to taking care of.

5. Madi is growing like a weed! Her molars are coming in, there are 4 poking though. poor little thing! She loves to chat, and hold the phone to her ear while doing so. She loves to run around, and to play peek-a-boo. Her little grins that expose her gap-filled teeth make me smile. Her fits are becoming intense, especially when in public, and I am discovering that the pacifier is going to be a LOT harder than I thought to take away from her! When she is tired she lets me - and EVERYONE else - know, by her loud screeches and crabby attitude. Overall she is a blast, always going full speed. I no longer will take for granted the age of a newborn, although they wake up a lot and eat a lot, they are Much easier at that age than Madilynns 14 months of age, I wouldn't trade it for the world though, it is sooo fun!

June is one busy Month for me, I was going to attempt to go to the Family Reunion in California for my Moms family but that fell through, but it is okay, we have another one next year. I was hoping to be able to go as well to see my Dad's family, but hopefully that will happen later on this year!

Overall things in life are going great, life is a bit stressful, but it isn't anything that I can't handle although it does feel overwhelming at times...

I think I learned to appreciate and treasure each day,

because you don't know how many you're going to be given.

~Sandra Day O'Connor

A proud Auntie Becca, that is who I am!

2009-05-27T08:04:00.008-05:00

Summer has arrived, and we definetly soaked up the rays that the sun threw down!

Memorial day weekend was busy, and great. We - Mom, Albert, Aprils oldest 4 kids, and myself - went camping with a group from church; went to church on Sunday; I caught up with an old friend; I went rock climbing; went to the Como Zoo for Parkers Birthday; and last but not least visited the Nubies ♥ -yep, Aprils babies have arrived!

We welcomed Abby Jo and Avery Stephen on May 20th at 4:15pm. They were both admitted into the NICU, and stayed there until Sunday 5/24. They did great latching on and breastfeeding right away, they had minor issues such as their glucose levels being off, and not being able to stabilize their temps... but other than that they seem to be doing great, what little troopers! Today they are 1 week old :) and very cute and little I might add! They are both weighing in at around 4.5 pounds each.

I feel so blessed by all of my family, memorial day I was reminded of how fortunate I am to have such a great, loving, Compassionate, tight-knit family! We are so blessed to have one another!

Madi is growing like a weed and she is so much fun, a handful too :) She is running all over the place, she is fearless, that little girl! Her favorite thing to do right now is to explore, especially the places that she knows I don't want her to explore, like the toilet for instance! She is a little chatter box, and she is quite opinionated, and vocal about her feelings. High energy, and hungry all the time . We had no problems taking the bottle away, we actually just gave her the option one morning of the bottle or the sippy cup, and she chose the latter, which is nice. It probably came easy because I never gave her a bottle in the crib, although I must admitr, I am sad seeing them go, because it means my baby is growing up!

The {Amazing} Shack

2009-05-22T08:43:00.018-05:00

I know that some people out there aren't huge fans of reading, and for the majority of my life I would have fallen into that category as well... UNTIL just recently, for some odd reason, I have been craving literature. About a month ago I was then encouraged by my Mom to read the book 'The Shack'. Little did I know that I would be swept off of my feet...

It is an amazing, thought provoking, inspirational, life changing, fabulously surprising and enjoyable read... for lack of better words "It knocked my Socks off!". Verbs and adjectives cannot express my joy, or my feelings about this book. If I were to choose ONE book (other than the bible) that has been life changing for me, it would be 'The Shack'. I don't know I could just be a little zealous because I just got finished listening to it, but I was touched by this book like I have never been touched by a book before!

All of my preconceived notions about God and life were transformed, into something beautiful. All of my thoughts were revealed to me, and so many transformations in my heart occurred. Little did I know that reading this book would set a new precedent for the way that I view and live life.

As I finished it this morning, all of my feelings culminated into a contentment and understanding that I never imagined that I could ever have. Part of me felt exhilarated as I ended the audio book (I listened to it on audio, while driving to and from work, over the past week) and another part of me was sad, disappointed that it was over. Not that the book was in any way a disappointment, but the fact that the revelations had to come to an end, I was bummed. My daily trips in the car that I SO looked forward to are over... BUT I am left with so many thoughts, and a small smile on my face, realizing how much more amazing my God is than I ever knew. The little smirk that is now left on my face is there because I know that I will never be able to fully explain how I feel, and I know how minuscule my thoughts are compared to Gods greatness. I am utterly thankful for the opportunities that God has given me in this small life of mine.

I was challenged, and I was healed during the listening of the words written in this book. It is so simple, yet so profound. My mind is left cultivating all of the fabulous revelations that I received from this book. My mind - still trying to grasp all that the words held... Part of me ever wonders if I ever will be able to grasp all of the Revelations that this book holds.

This will not be the last time that I read or listen to this book, it will be a book that I will cherish for years to come; A book that will be passed down for generations; A book that I will surely read to my children and my grandchildren over the years. I bought two hard copies of the book on Amazon two days ago, because even though I had not finished the book yet, I had already realized that it was such a priceless treasure to me, and to the world; who has yet to read it! So I encourage you to pick it up, and if you can't afford it, please let me know, I am passing around a copy of mine, because it is that monumental of a literary work of art, in my eyes!

As I now encounter thoughts of facing my 'Shack', I am relieved in knowing that God is there every step of the way, encouraging me, and deep down I have no fear. I know that I will stumble, and I know that I will fall, but now - after listening to this book - I truly know, like never before, that God will be right by my side to pick me up, and to help me heal my wounds.

I know that this book is fiction, and I know that it is not written as fact and truth, but the words and examples throughout the book ring true to Gods nature, and that is what I love about it!

HERE is the link to the only marketing that has been done for this book, it has spread like wildfire by word of mouth. William P. Young has followed Gods plan for his broken life, and I applaud him for all of his dedication and hard work as the non-author that he really is.

Thanks for reading my short literary review. Not that I am a pro by any means, or that I know what I am doing or saying, but I was so impressed and changed by this book that I wanted to be able to share it with the world, and the only way that I know how is to blog about it.

So there it is, my feelings about 'The Shack'

"If Anything Matters... Everything Matters" ~William P. Young

a little bit of Kung-Fu Panda

2009-05-21T14:16:00.000-05:00

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, and today is a gift. that is why it is called the present” ~Master Oogway ♥

The Two Little Munchkins are here

2009-05-21T07:27:00.011-05:00

We welcomed Abby and Avery yesterday at 4:15pm!!

April had been experiencing painful contractions all day yesterday so she called her doctor in the afternoon and the doctor told her to head to the hospital. Aprils response was, "I am not in labor, I am not ready and the babies aren't big enough!" her doctor chuckled and told her that whether she was ready or not she needed to go in... April was only 35 weeks and 2 days gestation so the babies were born prematurely.

So after a full day of April experiencing Painful contractions... as 2:30pm arrived she finally came to the realization that she was indeed going into (if not already in...) labor. Sean came home from a Doc appointment to pick her up, they were admitted into the hospital at 3:58pm, and had the babies about 15 minutes later at 4:15pm.

Avery was in the birth canal when they first arrived to the hospital, at first they thought that it was his arm but it was actually his small little bum that was coming out... They rushed her to the OR and put her under anesthesia, she was completely knocked out!

Avery Stephen

Abby Jo

Avery Stephen, who was the 'Ready to Come' one, came first weighing in at 4lbs 15oz, then following her brother the 'Already Sassy and Stubborn' Abby Jo arrived weighing in at 5lbs 2oz. They are both as cute as can be. They were a bit swollen at first but after a few hours the swelling went down and they were able to calm and get some rest.

Avery did great breathing on his own, but Abby needed some assistance in the beginning. Both of their glucose levels were low, and they had a few other minor issues due to being premature. But overall they are doing great and are healthy! They are in the NICU and will be there for a few days until they eating and temperature stabilize, along with a few other minor issues are addressed.

Proud Grandma (Mom) and Auntie (Me)

Proud Daddy - Sean

April is pretty exhausted, and definitely sore which is to be expected, considering she had an emergency Cesarean. Sean is at the hospital with her, he stayed the night there to be by her side. He was so concerned about her all day yesterday, he is such a sweet husband! He has therapy and doctors appointments today, he will be getting another MS injection today...

I am not going to lie, yesterday was a bit stressful for me! Due to the babies premature arrival we (Mom and I) were unable to hold or touch the babies, and we were also turned away to see them -April, Abby and Avery- at times, which we all felt was a little ridiculous in some instances.

Not only that it is pretty tough not having more family here. It was so hard finding someone to take the older kids while I had to work today. So I was up til midnight finding someone to watch them... Thanks so much Charrissa, I owe you one. I know that as Aprils sister and a new Auntie it is my responsibility, but I just was feeling a tad bit overwhelmed last night, trying to get everything situated.

So I apologize if I seemed rude to anyone, I wasn't upset at anyone in particular just frustrated with the situations at hand. I love you all and am so thankful for all of the help and support that you all have been giving to our family!

Today we have all new issues that are going to need to be addressed... Nothing is ready for the babies, so I am sure that I will be busy for the next few days helping them out! Please be praying, their housing situation is still on the rocks as are other aspects of their lives.

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.”

2009-05-20T08:58:00.005-05:00

I saw this on a bumper sticker on the way to work this morning, and as I passes the car that the bumper sticker was attached to I glanced over and gave the guy a smile... He smiled back.

How simple is it to love? And yet so many people choose to hate, or be bitter, or angry for things that can easily be forgiven. Hate is a burden that so many people choose to bear!

On my way to and from work for the past week I have been listening to the book, "The Shack" on audio. Toward the middle of the book the words that are spoken become very 'meaty' and what I mean by that is that the words come with such power, and revelation, I find myself rewinding the audio and re-listening to it over again, sometimes multiple times, I have to chew on the words over and over like I would a piece of steak to be able to swallow it. If I could remember some quotes from the book I would post them here, but I can't, so I am going to buy the paper version of the book to hold onto as a keepsake and as a reference.

I am learning so much, and I have found myself growing closer to God while listening to this book. I am falling more in love with Gods character and who he is. I am grasping the love that he has for this world, the love that he has for me and I cannot help but smile inside, knowing that I have such a great Love coming from God... the Creator, of the world, and the creator of little ol' Me! His love is astounding, and I am discovering the true power of Love itself!

I am growing in Love, and I have been told that I am a loving person but as I am growing I am becoming more loving, and less judgemental and skeptical.

I am going to end this post with a wonderful quote, from a wonderful man whose love changed the world - and just remember if you love enough, your love will change the world too... 'I have decided to stick with Love ♥ Hate is too great a burden to bear.' Martin Luther King Jr.

Free Money?! Apparently there is such a thing...

2009-05-18T10:38:00.004-05:00

Link HERE to sign up for swagbucks!! Earn money for searching the web... "Are you kidding me?!" You ask.
"Nope I am dead SERIOUS!" I reply...

I wish I would have started this years ago, I would have had a whole-lotta free things by now! Seriously...

Anyway here is the low-down:
Swag bucks has a search engine powered by google and ask.com. When you perform your searches, you win Swag bucks - which are redeemable for gift cards or merchandise. Each time you earn 45 Swag bucks, you can redeem it for a $5 Amazon.com gift card.While I do earn by doing searches, the majority of my points come from referrals. When your friends sign up under your referral code, you'll earn a buck every time they do, for the first 100 swag bucks! You can see how this adds up once you have 10 or 20 friends under you! Here's a scenario:Find 10 friends to join.You earn 100 Swag bucks by the end of the year for each friend=1000 bucks.Redeem them for (22) Amazon gift cards, each in the amount of $5 = $110. Earn 45 Swag bucks per month doing searches on your own x 10 months = $50 Amazon GC Grand total of free Christmas gifts: $160!If you have a blog, a large family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc. I encourage you to sign up HERE and share this scenario with them. Once they learn there is a way to get Christmas for free, you'll have them lining up at your door.
PS - if you're on Twitter, you can follow Swagbucks. Keep your eye out for free Swag bucks codes!

I am excited, hopefully this year will be a free Christmas!

To get more info read this article HERE.

Let me know if you have any Q's!

Growing a little smarter day by day

2009-05-18T08:53:00.004-05:00

So, this is sorta silly, BUT I find it to be very beneficial...

It is just something that I do, because it is who I am!
Anyway I bet you are thinking "what is she talking about now?!" and this is it: (pretty much)Daily I look up words in the dictionary... Weird I know, but if I am at all questioning the meaning of a word whether it is as complicated as the word fastidious (which would be an adjective to Define both Sean and I) or as simple as the word enlighten (which means To give spiritual or intellectual insight). I will look up a word if I have any question as to the meaning of the word, or if I just want to look for a good adjective I will look something up in the thesaurus...I can feel myself growing just a little bit smarter everyday.

Now you know my secret...

I am not kidding, pretty much everyday I really look up at least one word, and I have been learning a ton. So I encourage you to do the same, if you are questioning the meaning of a word at all go to thefreedictionary.com or another website like dictionary.com and it will give you everything that you need to know about the word!

Education is Priceless

2009-05-15T11:34:00.004-05:00

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. ~Andy McIntyre

And that is one of the reasons why I am conitnuing my education in the fall. I will be returning to Metro State University to finish my BA in Social Science. I am actually really looking forward to it. If I take one class per semester I will be done in 2 full school years. It seems like a long time but in reality it really isn't, I am soo close! That time will be including my internship.

I look forward as I veture out as a Mom, Student, and a full-time employee...

James is my favortie book in the Bible

2009-05-13T08:25:00.005-05:00

James 1:19 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. 20 Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. 21 So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.

I aspire to live righteously and I pray this over my life continually. I want to be that person, the one who is sharing and kind, caring and compassionate, slow to anger, and rich in Love. I want to be the one who has open arms to those that need a shoulder to cry on or a home to stay in. God is working in me, but it is a slow process, and it is work on my part because I am only human, as we all are.

Back on the right track

2009-05-11T09:22:00.003-05:00

My heart feels good, and I know that I am doing what is right. I am out of the rut for now and walking the path that is best for me. I am choosing to follow the path that God has for me.

I am so thankful for all of the support, the accountability, the wonderful friends who keep me in tune with God...

Proverbs 10:8-10
8 The wise are glad to be instructed,
but babbling fools fall flat on their faces.
9 People with integrity walk safely,
but those who follow crooked paths will slip and fall.
10 People who wink at wrong cause trouble,
but a bold reproof promotes peace.

mistakes will happen along the way

2009-05-08T13:08:00.005-05:00

Condemnation. Shame. Resentment. Guilt. Disappointment

often I feel these things when I make mistakes, when I slip up. Although I know that I am forgiven, that I am given grace, I still beat myself up. My heart feels ashamed and disappointed when I fail... I am constantly fighting myself, my perfectionism. I am my own worst enemy.

My heart is sad when I look back and see the truth. I was just a trophy wife, and nothing more. Did he even really love me? I have made so many mistakes and I naturally want to follow the old pattern that I have walked for so many years. There is a rut that was dug, and I keep falling into it!

I am trying to discover who I am and what I want, and why...

Why did I choose what that life? How do I fix what I choose? I want to make healthy choices, I want to turn away from the old life that I once knew. I want to create a new life for Madi and Myself. Sometimes it seems so hard...

But I know that His Grace is sufficient. Time will heal the wounds, and the rut will be filled once it is no longer walked in... and along the way the mistakes will still happen, but I am not separated from Gods grace he may be disappointed by he will not condemn me, he will still love me and draw me near.

All are welcome

2009-05-04T10:17:00.004-05:00

April is having a Boy and a Girl!!

Please join us in celebrating the arrival of these two babies

If you can join us we would love for you to come!

She is registered at these stores (in store and online both)

(click on the store to be coneected to the link)

Babys-R-Us

Baby Depot

Target

Link here to see Seans Caring bridge website to get an update on the ERVINS.

It was rough last week

2009-05-04T09:03:00.004-05:00

but I am choosing to move forward with a smile on my face! and with contentment in my heart knowing that God is in this... I have been praying often over these past few days, and God has given me peace.

It seems as though our family has been facing a lot of trials recently but I can see how we are all growing through it all.

Now that my time will be more limited with Madi I am consciously taking in all of our precious time together. Watching her grow has been amazing, and the age that she is at right now is so much fun!

We had a great weekend! Seeing her grin, giggle and tottle around was so much fun. We had a lot of laughs and good times. Going to Chuckee Cheese for Coles 9th birthday, it was madis first time there. Shopping at Mall Of America with Mom and Albert was great to, getting Albert ready for prom :)

I am really appreciated all of these great little moments!

"Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away."

Custody time

2009-04-30T09:49:00.006-05:00

Here is an example of the standard custody schedule. When you click on the calendar scroll to May and that will show you Dans time:
Calendar
he has every other weekend from Thursday (after Daycare) to Monday Morning (he will drop her off at daycare)
then he also gets one weekday overnight (alternating between Mondays and Wednesdays)
... It is going to be crazy and somewhat unprdictable, but that is life! Right!?

Lean on me... When you are not strong

2009-04-30T07:23:00.006-05:00

When I am weak he is strong. His strength now has the opportunity to shine through in this circumstance. My eyes are sore and my heart is heavy, but I am still turning to my God who I know will prevail in it all!

Why is it so much easier to blog when times are tough?? I have so many thoughts, and so many emotions. I feel like I have no control, so I am praying that God will take control of this situation... Lord I am putting it in your hands, and I am leaning on you, for my strength!

Things didn't go as well as I had hoped, Dan got a lot more of the schedule than I think any of us bargained for, so I will be going long durations without my beautiful baby girl, and my heart is already breaking. I feel as though my baby is being taken away, and I don't know why! I haven't done anything wrong!!

Yesterday was rough, tears streamed down my face throughout the 3 hour custody settlement, and my heart was devastated, I felt helpless and hopeless, and inside I was crying out to God in desperation.

This will be a very rough transition but I know that God will be by my side, and I have so many great Friends to lean on.

I am tired, and fatigued, I am lacking energy and part of me wants to give up. But on the other hand I am determined, determined to fight for my little girl ♥

Your outlook determines your LIFE

2009-04-28T10:31:00.005-05:00

'It is so often true that whether a person carries with him an atmosphere of gloom and depression or one of confidence and courage depends on his individual outlook.' James Keller

Okay so maybe I go a little overboard when it comes to boundaries. I am "Zealous" is what they would say, but I am okay with it, because I would rather be zealous than naive!

But seriously, you know when you meet those people who are constantly dwelling on the negative and have a poor outlook on life in general... Well isn't it frustrating? It is for me! I just want to say to them, "why are you choosing to feel this way!?" all too often they don't realize that they themselves are choosing the life of gloom and doom for themselves, and it is so crippling. I am all to familiar with this because I myself am guilty of doing this...

I am being reminded right now as I watch my sisters family face a tragedy. The tragedy of the loss of a Fathers/Husbands ability to walk. They are also facing the loss of a home, loss of careers, and welcoming 2 more little ones to be additions in their lives; the lives that are filled with the unknown and that of instability. BUT they have such positive attitudes, and outlooks for their lives. They are looking forward with Faith, with Patience, and most of all: with Humble hearts, all the while not knowing what lies ahead of them. I am so proud of them for choosing to live in freedom, freedom from worry, Stress, and so many more negative emotions that could be suffocating their lives. Not to say that they are not overwhelmed at times, which I am sure they are. But they are choosing to focus on what is good. They are choosing to trust that God is in control. They are growing through this tragedy; growing closer to one another, to the Church, but most of all to our God, who is our strength, because without him we are truly weak. Their lives are going to change others lives, and will truly portray what an awesome God we serve, I am excited!! So extremely excited to see what God has in store for them, because I just know that it is going to be something great!

Please continue to pray for them!!

And Just remember when you feel like you have hit rock bottom, someone Else's' rock is lower than yours, so be thankful for what you have and remember that Your Life Is What You Make Of It!! Choose to keep a positive outlook and keep looking upward for the strength that God provides!

"I try to avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward." ~Charlotte Bronte

Spectacular, yet again...

2009-04-24T14:10:00.003-05:00

Celebrating Easter and her first Year CTRYAN took some fabulous pictures of Madi!

To enlarge click on the image.

A small Addiction

2009-04-24T07:43:00.004-05:00

I must admit I am maybe a little addicted to speed! I am definetly a girly-girl but sometimes I wonder if there is a little bit of guy in me, with my love of fast cars, and gorgeous motorcycles :) I feel so free when I am driving and cruising down the highway with the music blaring in my ears, and the wind blowing through my hair...

So someone (I am saying no names ;) decided to grant me a mini vacation... they handed over their keys in return for mine of course, and I got to cruise around town in the beautiful Nissan 370Z sport, amazing little car I must say!

The car swept me off my feet, no pun intended. It was definetly love and first flight. I am in love with my boss' car! Yes it cheered me up, and I felt like a million dollars, it was a great little vacaion, that was much needed!!

So thanks JB, for a fabulous night with your cute car!

PS love the Monterey Blue, it is a one of a kind car, no one else in MN has the same exact car, which is pretty cool!

being transparent can be humbling

2009-04-22T16:30:00.004-05:00

because who wants to tell someone that they are bleeding from their rear end or that they have a mucus cyst in their mouth, and that when it pops releases icky mucus and a lot of blood... well okay, maybe I don't really have that big of an issue telling people, it is more about how they are going to receive it, or react that is the hard part!

So it is a mucus cyst and we might have to remove it, I am going to feel it out for a few months, if it is something that is untolerable (which I think is going to be the case) they will remove it. It will be painful but after it is healed it will be much better and my mouth will feel much more comfortable! So we will see...

I need to start taking my Miralax again... then my bleeding issues should be fixed. Consequences are what teach me... Hopefully the fissures will heal sooner than later :)

It is more blessed to give than to receive

2009-04-20T13:10:00.003-05:00

Acts 20:35 (NLT), many of us are familiar with this verse but don't always truly understand it, until we experience it!

I love giving but have found it hard to give, due to some situational circumstances, so in the past fear has paralyzed me in the area of finances. But regardless of my fear and doubt, I have been giving on a regular basis these past few months, in obedience and in Faith that God would work through my gifts.

And he has... oh, he has! Not only for those receiving the gifts but in me as well...
It is amazing, to see his hand in my life. The more I give, the more he gives back to me, and yet through it all I still feel unworthy, because I am! But he loves me and gives back ten-fold the little that I have given, not only did I enjoy giving, but now I am being rewarded yet again! I have spent all day praising him.

He continually opens my eyes to miracles and situations that I could have never imagined would happen.

I am so blessed!

So if you are living in Fear, where can you step out and take a "Leap of Faith"? You just might be surprised, there is probably a surprise in store for you!

a little more about ME

2009-04-17T08:20:00.009-05:00

1 I am a genuinely loving person, and become good friends with people easily

2 I love eating sushi in good company

3 My goal in life is to live fully for Christ

4 I am eclectic when it comes to pretty much everything

5 I am a proud Mommy

6 Church is probably my favortie place to be, of those places that I go to on a regular basis

7 I want to eventually own my own business

8 cleaning and organizing are forte's of mine

9 I am a people person, I love meeting new people daily!

10 I live knowing that the only thing I can take with me when I die are my relationships

11 I am addicted to Facebook

12 reeses easter eggs might be my new favorite candy

13 Chipmunks are now my favorite animal, I have decided they are much cuter than squirrels

14 I love sleep, especially in my comfy bed!

15 I compromised when naming my daughter, Madilynn was not my first choice, but now I couldn't imagine her with any other name

16 I consider myself as having the most best freinds I have ever known anyone to have (see #1)

17 I am a little anal about some things, my close friends and family can attest to that

18 I love watching movies but only with someone else, not by myself

19 I like to read books, but only the ones that are self help or are nonfictional

20 I love being intellectual, and also being mentally stimulated by intriguing thought

21 sometimes I just want to have fun, and not think about anything else other than the moment

22 Liver might be the only food that I detest

23 I love meeting all kinds of people with different personalities and different stories

24 singing at the top of my lungs, with windows open while driving feels exhilarating to me

25 I exude happiness pretty much all of the time, with a smile on my face

26 I wish I were more spontaneous, because it always feels good when I am

27 I always say whatever is on my mind, I am a very open person

28 my dream job is to be a stay at home mom

29 If I had a million dollars I would love to give it all away by buying needed things for people

30 I love giving gifts (see #29)

31 I really love motorcycles; it gives me a real feeling of freedom when I ride

32 if I could go back to change one thing I would have become a professional dancer

33 the sharpie ultra fine point pens are my favorite pens EVER

34 maybe I would become a photographer too (see #32) or an interior decorator...

35 I am pretty impulsive, but I think that it is a good thing :) (see #27)

36 and if you didn't notice already I am an ENFP bordering on ENFJ(according to myers-briggs) (see #28, 32, 34)

37 I am 3 classes short of having a BA in Social Science, argh

38 I inhereted my people pleasing nature from my Mom, and I am fighting it everyday

39 I don't consider myself 'Religious' but I do consider myself a follower and Lover of Jesus

40I love being Home

41 the smell of Black Raspberry Vanilla wallflowers are amazing

42 I am referred to as "smiley" from the president of the company I work for (see #25)

43 I loved Science while I was in school, although I found it interesting it was also challenging

44 even though no one may ever read this, I still enjoy doing it because it always feels good to think about who I am as a person, and to be reminded of who God has made me to be

45 My favorite colors are pink and red

46 I love big sunglasses, cute shoes, and bags of different kinds

47 I think Post it notes are brilliant, whoever invented them was genius

48 I am anxious, I am fidgety and something on me has to be moving all of the time, right now it is the notorious leg shake

49 Lillies are my favorite flowers, they are gorgeous and smell fantastic, so if you are a guy, there it is ;)

50 my reflexes are sensitive, if you hit me in the leg in just the right spot it will unvoluntarily kick

51 James 1:2-4 is my life verse

I was going to do 100, but decided not to... 51 things about me will do :)
no one would read all 100!

removal??

2009-04-14T12:45:00.002-05:00

Can a Cyst be removed? Because it is growing back, or at least I think that it is the cyst that is growing back... and of course I didn't notice it until it started hurting, maybe next time I will notice it before it becomes this tender (hopefully there won't be a next time). I will be going in on April 22nd, and I am sure that he will biopsy it again. I am going to discuss with him the possibility of removing it though, I am sick of having mouth pain...
Wow, and I discovered that my Doc wrote a text book on PDT, pretty smart guy, he is really nice too :)

Happiness is a Choice

2009-04-14T07:58:00.003-05:00

It is as easy as that, although sometimes we make it more complicated. It is as simple as choosing. I was reminded today, and it brings a smile to my face, because I know that I am free; free to choose my attitudes, my behaviors and my actions. No one has control over me, I have the power to make the choice, and today I choose Joy and happiness :)

If you want to be happy, be. ~Leo Tolstoy

Happy Birthday Madi ♥

2009-04-10T08:01:00.003-05:00

A year ago today I gave birth to my fabulous daughter! Wishing her a happy first bithday with many more love filled years ahead! I love you baby girl ♥

Click on the image to enlarge

Let Go and Let Love

2009-04-07T07:56:00.018-05:00

'Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a Love like that!
—It lights the whole Sky.'

Love is amazing, it brings Joy, pleasure and delight! It is magnificent! It opens our eyes to truth and it even prolongs our lives!

Love is healing and restoring for both the giver and the receiver. Why would you choose to hate or choose to hold resentment? Unforgiveness is an acid which first destroys the vessel in which it is contained... that vessell is you! Are you holding unforgiveness in your heart? Do you have hatred toward someone? If so just think: You are destroying yourself, that acid is burning away at you, not the person you hate. Choose to forgive, and choose to love, love brings true life.

'I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.' MLKJ

We are called to love people as Christ loves us!

Loving and being loved is the greatest gift that can be given or received!

My Love for Madilynn is so great, yet she doesn't even know it, and even if she did she wouldn't be able to fathom it, yet it brings so much joy to me just to be able to love her. A mothers love is amazing. I never really understood what an unconditional love was like until I gave birth to my daughter, God revealed to me some amazing things through her life. Now I have a better understanding of Gods love for us and it blows my mind.

we have hope

2009-04-06T09:04:00.005-05:00

During this time my heart is being torn for my sister and her family. She and her husband Sean are very happily married, they have 4 little ones (2boys, 2girls) and they have 2 on the way, another boy and girl.

Sean was the working spouse, while April was going to school full time, to pursue a nursing degree. When all of a sudden he began experiencing nuerological numbing issues in his lower body. He is now hospitalized and has since been diagnosed with MS. He cannot walk or feel anything from his waist down. He was told on Saturday that he may never regain the strength, use of, or sensation in his legs again, he may be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.
He still seems pretty determined that he will recover... Please say a prayer for him and his family - The Ervins. Pray for a full recovery, we have faith that miracles can happen :)

Psalm 42:11
Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God!

link HERE to read the updates

Christmas List

2009-04-03T11:26:00.002-06:00

What a fabulous Idea I had today!!
Since I cannot shop, I can only DREAM.

I am going to start a WISH LIST to fulfill my shopping desires.
This isn't bad is it?!

anyway here is the first item on my wish list:
The ADOBE Creative Suite
any of the above suites will do! So if anyone is feeling generous...
;)

Saint Paul, MN Childrens Museum - FREE

2009-04-03T08:03:00.006-06:00

Every Third sunday of the month Target pays for your admission. No gimicks, I promise, I think it is just a promotional thing for them to do... This is a fabulous place for all of the family! It is filled with toys, activities, and playgrounds for all of the kiddos of every age.
Link HERE to check out their website

It usually costs $8.95 per person for a one day admission, BUT every 3rd sunday of the month it is free. So pack up the kiddos after church and head on down. Be sure to park in the lot kiddy corner to the museum (it is labeled as Childrens Museum Parking) and it will be $3 for parking for the duration of your stay.

So for $3 you can have a sunday filled with fun for all of your Family.
PS don't forget to pack the camara, there are a ton of fun memeories you can capture!

she is Cute and sweet and so much fun, my baby girl is turning ONE!

2009-04-02T06:42:00.004-06:00

5480 blackberry Trail Apt #238 Inver Grove Heights, MN 55076

Come and celebrate with us!

Little White Lie?

2009-03-31T07:01:00.005-06:00

I think Not!

When I looked this Idiom up on thefreedictionary.com (a website I use pretty much daily) this was the definition: a small, usually harmless lie; a fib.

The key word here is
HARMLESS...
And I want to give you a FACT Check: NO lie is harmless.
Lies compromise our Integrity and by compromising our integrity we are compromising our healthy character, and who we are!

Integrity is defined as being complete; sound; whole; honest; Steadfast adherence to a moral or ethical code; the state of being unimpaired; being reliable and Fair. All of which are positive characteristics that help us through life, that do not hinder us. All of these things are what I want to be.

The opposite of integrity is: dishonesty; unreliability; violation of moral; incompleteness; brokenness... need I say more??

Every time you lie, even if it is a 'white lie' you are compromising who you are. You are chipping away your moral character, the very person that you are and what you stand for is being wavered. SO next time you contemplate lying think of who you want to be.

The only reason I am able to say this is because it has been something that has been a challenge in my life. I am aspiring to be a woman of integrity, because that is what I am called to be, who I WANT to be, and not only that when I have integrity I am much more comfortable in my own skin, knowing that I am living truthfully and honestly!

"A person is not given integrity. It results from the relentless pursuit of honesty at all times."

"Losers make promises they often break. Winners make commitments they always keep."

blog in 10

2009-03-26T10:45:00.003-06:00

1-more month and madi will be a year old!

2-is the number of serious car accidents that I have been in (as a driver), neither were my fault, wrong place wrong time, one of them the stoplight came down on top of my car

3-classes left before I have my BA in Social Science, unfortunately they all have to be done consecutively I cannot do them all in one semester... s 3 more semester left for me :(

4-might be the number of kids I would want in a perfect world... my perfect world would be: the ability to be a SAHM

5-is the average number of glasses of water I drink a day... it should be more, but atleast I don't drink soda or anything else for that matter

6-is the number of children my sister will have in June, it is 4 right now, but she has two more on the way, crazy.... I know!

7-days a week I think of how amazing God is and how blessed I am!

8-is the number of hours of sleep I WISH that I got every night, unfortunately it is usually around 5-6 leaving me sleep deprived

9- months is when Madi started to walk, can you tell I am a proud Mommy!?

10-years and 11 months is how long I have been a resident of Minnesota, I couldn't imagine California feeling like home now, although it would be dreamy to live in a warmer state near an ocean.

What Matters Most in life?

2009-03-26T08:12:00.006-06:00

The ending of Crown Financial happened much too soon. we still have yet to have our get toegther, which will happen in a couple of weeks... As we ended our session last night we talked of what is really important, what is eternal, and what truly matters in this life. Lyndy brought up an insightful poem that I thought would be good to share. So here is a fortune cookie for today:

The Dash
The following is a poem by Linda Ellis © 1998. Consider the implications for your own life's choices

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own; the cars .... the house... the cash.
What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard ... are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left. (You could be at "dash mid-range")

If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more,
And love the people in our lives like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile...
Remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read with your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash??

Sean and April

2009-03-25T16:58:00.005-06:00

I feel a little sick to my stomach to be honest, and maybe a little overwhelmed for my sister and her family. BUT I know that God is going to work this all out, and I know that they will see better days.

Sean was officially diagnosed with MS after numerous days of exeriencing symptoms. His legs were completely numb, he was able to walk, but things have worsened and now he can no longer walk or stand for that matter. He has even began losing sight in his right eye, but through it all he still laughs and smiles, and asks the doctors questions with kindness in his tone. Even though he was experiencing these symptoms quite some time ago, he was turned away from the hospital three times before they finally admitted him. It is somewhat frustrating because we know now that if he had started his treatments sooner they could have prevented it from becoming so severe. But now he is just thankful, I love his heart, it is golden.

I have been updating his caring bridge site. I started one up for them becuase April was feeling a bit overwhelmed with 4 kids and being pregnant with twins, as well as having gestational diabetes - being insulin dependant would be enough to wipe me out. But somehow I think that I am sorta right when I say that April is half wonder woman and half human, some of the things that girl has survived through... it is amazing she is still alive. I love her so much!

So here is the update on Sean and for all of those that want to get regular updates link to his caring bridge site via the photo of him and his 4 kids, on my sidebar.

I just got home from visiting Sean in the hospital. He seems to be doing well, especially because I brought him cosettas, cookies, and Twilight! He is a bit nervous for tomorrow though. They will be inserting a tube into his neck by cutting a hole, so he is definetly dreading it, as I am sure anyone would. They are inserting the tube because it is much more effective to perform plasmapherisis (plasma-fer-ee-sis) via a large tube in his neck vs. a small tube in his vein.

While I was at the hospital they were performing the plasmapherisis on him through a vein in his arm. What he is having done is also known as TPE (Therapuetic Plasma Exchange) This is where they remove the blood from his body, filter out the plasma through the blood via a large machine, dispose of the plasma, and replace it with new plasma. So we got to see his plasma, and even thinking about it right now makes me a little sick to my stomach, needless to say when the nurse first started the procedure I felt a bit faint, and sick to my stomach...

I was there for a little over an hour and it was still being conducted as I left. The nurse said that when they do it through the vein it takes quite a bit longer, a few hours.

But so far so good, the procedure is going just fine and Seans nerves calmed as time passed. Just be praying for tomorrow, they will insert the tube then perform the procedure again tomorrow, then every other day to follow.

I asked Sean about his symptoms and he said that nothing has improved. His eye sight hasn't worsened though so that is positive.

He has a great attitude, which is fabulous for him and the whole family. I know April is a little overwhelmed with the kids, she wants to be there as much as possible for Sean but sometimes it is difficult to find a sitter. So if anyone is free or would like to help out in any way, this might be something that is quite helpful for April. But their love for eachother amazes me, I don't doubt that they will be happy and in love until the day they die. They have been through so much together, and they just celebrated 11 years.

Thanks to Tracy and Graham for watching Ember and Cole. And thanks to all of the visitors, Sean has told me about each and every one of you who have come to visit, it is very encouraging to him and it really does mean a lot!

If you have any concerns feel free to contact me via email.

Thanks,

Becca

50 Pictures for 50 weeks

2009-03-25T09:34:00.061-06:00

I am doing this #1 becuase I am a picture fanatic and thought that it would be fun and #2 I have been Reminiscing over the last 50 weeks of Madilynns life, plus the 39 that she was growing in my womb... I love her more and more everyday that passes by! And she becomes more and more beautiful everyday.

Why is there Pain and Suffering?

2009-03-23T07:10:00.004-06:00

Without pain, suffering and tribulation we wouldn't understand Love, we would have no compassion or faith, we would have no appreciation, we would have no strength and courage, no endurance or patience, no character at all, but most of all we would have no clue how amazing our God truly is. This is my own take on why there is pain and suffering, it is not a curse but a gift to unvweil our human eyes to reveal Gods goodness... so, why there is pain and suffering...

"A man went to a barbershop to have

his hair cut
and his beard trimmed.

As the barber began to work, they began
to have a good conversation.

They talked about so many things
and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the
subject of God, the barber said:

'I don't believe that God
exists.'

'Why do you say
that?' asked the customer.

'Well, you just have to go out in
the street to realize that God doesn't exist.
Tell me, if God
exists, would there be so many sick people?
Would there be abandoned
children?

If God existed,
there would be neither suffering nor pain.
I can't imagine a loving
God who would allow all of these things.'

The customer thought for a
moment,
but didn't respond because he didn't
want to start an argument.

The barber finished his job and the customer left the
shop.

Just after he left the barbershop,
he saw a man in the street with long,
stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard.

He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer
turned back and entered the barber shop
again and he said to the barber:

'You know what? Barbers do not exist.'

'How can you say that?' asked
the surprised barber.
'I am here, and I am a barber. And I just
worked on you!'

'No!' the customer exclaimed. 'Barbers don't
exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair
and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.'

'Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when
people do not come to me.'

'Exactly!' affirmed the customer.
'That's the point! God, too, DOES exist!

That's what happens
when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help.

That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'"

Seans condition is getting worse!

2009-03-20T10:46:00.002-06:00

Please be praying!

Sean cannot walk or even stand, his legs buckle if he attempts to. April is really concerned, and they are both having a hard time facing this realization. I got off of the phone with her about an hour ago.

Please, if you are able to, go and visit Sean he needs support, encouragement, and prayer!

United Hospital
333 North Smith Ave
St. Paul, MN 55102
room #7922
Direct Line: 651-241-7834

Link HERE to visit his caring Bridge site