Silence is NOT the answer

I have been painfully silent over last year... it is a new year though, and I am taking on the whole "new begginings"

I have been waiting for an amazingly epic moment to occur for reason to return to writing. Well, I can't tell you that anything epic has happened, but what I can do is start simple. Sometimes simplicity is the best way to go, we do as a matter of fact have to begin a race with just one step.

Here is my step. And hopefully the momentum will build now and I will be back to writing every once in a while.

To start I will just put a few random things out there about where I am as of late...

-I am job hunting, and learning so much in the process. I have the best resume I have had in my life to date, I think I have got the whole process of hunting, and applying down... next comes the perfection of the interview - one down, who knows how many more to go.

-AND just to pretend as most of you do not know (which probably isn't the case because I am a loud mouth and make myself heard) I am a baccalaureate - yes, that means I FINALLY have a Bachelor's degree, in Social Science, to be precise. I graduated in Dec of 2010. I am proud of myself.

-Speaking of school--I must add to this blog--I was extremely challenged last year. This is one of the largest reasons as to my break from blogging. My mind could not handle much more than life was spewing my way as a Mom, student, and girlfriend who has lots of friends and family in my life!! Yeah, it was craziness...

-And just to put the cherry on top of the School sundae (so to speak), school pushed and challenged my mind in ways I never knew were possible - my beliefs, morals, standards all took a bit of a shift. I was pressed hard, my mind was challenged and at times I felt defeated, even hopeless.

-When fall introduced itself last year I was relieved to put the "tough" school behind me - I had written a 20 page dissertation on Global Poverty, in addition to another 56 pages on other intense "analytical" papers. And I began my Guitar class. It was amazing and priceless...

-I know how to read and play the three basic octaves of A-G and read rythmic patterns. in addition to so much more. Fall semester offered me a great change of pace. To be able to learn music while sitting and reflecting on all of the belief shifts and such that school had introduced. I am feeling better and more at ease with this all now, I know that discovering who I am, and what I am are all a process... the process of life!

-So here I am, Happy and content. I have an amazingly kind, supportive, loving, giving boyfriend who lifts me up everyday. I for the first time in a relationship feel at ease to be me, and feel significant as a person regardless of my flaws. I am a lucky girl!

-AND the best thing in life, the thing that has brought me the most joy, most growth, and the most smiles on my face - is Madilynn. She is a hoot! It has been a challenging year as a mother as well - but a great one at that! Madi went from babyhood to childhood last year: giving up the Pacifier, going from a crib to a toddler-bed, potty training, talking, counting, danacing, hobbying, you name it... she is a little person now, and I love it. We once in a while deal with the power-struggle, but we are both learning and everyday it seems like things are getting better - atleast she doesn't have daily timeout visits anymore! I love her, she is growing into a beautiful girl with personality!

-If I could change one thing about last year it would be the fact that I didn't freely write or journal. I love keeping my thoughts tangible by writing them to reflect at later times... maybe this year will be the year to start recording my thoughts, we'll see.

So, that is where I am at. I'll leave it at that. Taking one moment at a time I am moving forward in this ever increasingly fast paced life - hopefully not in silence.

200 later

My Mom will tell you that I was born an adult - 'Responsible, and ready to take on the world...' and in some ways she is right, but I haven't always felt that way in every sense...
I am just a girl, and I think that I will always be 'Just a girl'. My Mom is a fabulous woman, who has made her fair share of mistakes - as we all have - in some ways I followed her footsteps and in other ways I deliberately became everything that she was not - you know how the saying goes about being like your 'Mom'.

I was unplanned for sure, conceived one night after 18 months of separation during the divorce process, I may have been an accident, but God obviously had some different plans! I believe that I was meant to be, That is my idea and I am sticking to it.

I am a sister, a daughter, and a Mother who has experienced so much in such a short life of 24 years and 191 days. I was born to a single Mom, who was in college, I was her second of three children and that is where my story began. My life as a kid was pretty unstable, which leaves me to say that there is no simple way to explain where and what my childhood was like, I have so many different recollections of what life looked like, and to be honest it is hard for me to know what happened when, I just have all of these memories floating around, and they make up and define who I am today...

Drugs, abuse and instability is what I grew up experiencing. I would never want to relive my childhood, but I wouldn't change it, only because I am happy with who I am today... I will say though that although I grew up in utter chaos, I felt like there is one thing that I never lacked, and it was Love - whether it came from my Mom, My Grandma, or My Sister - it was there, and I truly believe that as a human, that is the one thing that is necessary for healthy survival.

As I approached the 200th post I really began to recollect this whole blogging process, it has been truly amazing. There is something so liberating about spilling to the world your heart and your emotions, putting yourself out there in such a vulnerable way, and with it has come growth for me, it has been a great endeavor this past year writing what is on my mind.

So I have decided to re-post something that I feel really captures my life in a little nutshell of 100 words - it was a brilliant idea, and I thought about writing a 200 word autobiography but decided against it, because it was so well written in 100 words...

So here it is My 100 Word Autobiography

Unplanned pregnancy, Mom wanted me.
Loving Grandparents. Tumultuous times.
Addicted Father, passive Mother.
Mom remarried - Drug addicted Stepfather.
Drug raid, Foster home, Mother in jail.
Life spiraled downward. Hardships galore.
Instability. I Attempted perfection, wanted control.
Mom finally left him.
We were free.
Mother depressed.
Light appeared, Jesus - Glimmer of hope.
Moved to Minnesota. Alone. Depressed.
Found guy. Wanted Stability. Very abusive…finally left.
Broken. Hurt. Rebounded, met another Man. Married. Turned from God again.
Felt imprisoned.
Pregnancy. Struggle. Had a BEAUTIFUL BABY!
Cancer discovered. Marriage failing. Ultimatum, then Divorce.
Starting over, Serving Jesus… Taking one step at a time.

My Blogging Purpose: Thinking outloud for all to hear

Everyone loves to be heard, but often we aren't heard, but it still feels good to let it all out - to process it... To Blog!

Thinking out loud - in the sense of writing - has been so freeing, and liberating. According to society and cultural standards saying some things are viewed as being offensive, rude, inappropriate, or disrespectful... The great thing about having my own blog, is that I can say what is on my mind and if anyone has a problem with it they don't have to read it or listen to it - they are entitled to their own opinions and they even have the option of informing me on what their thoughts are by leaving me a comment...

I encourage everyone I know to blog because it has been a great experience for me, and has been very therapeutic - not only that the only thing that we have to offer this world is ourselves, I figure that if this blog touches one person then it was not done in vain, it is then worth all of my time and effort.

Blogging to be heard.

A blog for Madi

The Things That Madder

(click here to link to the new blog)

So I have decided to start a blog solely for Madi - to create memories that will reflect the beauty of her life as she grows, looking back I wish that I would have done this sooner but rather late than never!

As if My "Mom-Mind" was read

running across this fabulous site called blogher.com, a community for Women who blog... There is a group that is so me that it screams my name!

It is called: This is my "Mom Body" not my real one.

Here is the synopsis:

"This is my "mom body" not my real one. My real one is hidden under large, stretchy, itchy clothes that are meant to camoflauge my "muffin top". My real one is screaming to get out, but I am busy eating my kids' left over lunch so I can't hear it. My real one is skinny, hot, and dying to be discovered under this imposter body. I still look for clothes for my real body, but my "mom body" won't fit in to them. My "mom body" is the one I catch in the mirror and am startled as if I just saw a stranger in my bathroom! I still feel like the old me, but I certainly don't look like her! Be gone "mom body". I need my real body to come out!"

~tommiealexander

Growing a little smarter day by day

So, this is sorta silly, BUT I find it to be very beneficial...

It is just something that I do, because it is who I am!
Anyway I bet you are thinking "what is she talking about now?!" and this is it: (pretty much)Daily I look up words in the dictionary... Weird I know, but if I am at all questioning the meaning of a word whether it is as complicated as the word fastidious (which would be an adjective to Define both Sean and I) or as simple as the word enlighten (which means To give spiritual or intellectual insight). I will look up a word if I have any question as to the meaning of the word, or if I just want to look for a good adjective I will look something up in the thesaurus...I can feel myself growing just a little bit smarter everyday.

Now you know my secret...

I am not kidding, pretty much everyday I really look up at least one word, and I have been learning a ton. So I encourage you to do the same, if you are questioning the meaning of a word at all go to thefreedictionary.com or another website like dictionary.com and it will give you everything that you need to know about the word!

100th Post

Can you believe that I made it to 100 posts on my blog already, wow!! I know, it is because I post pretty much everyday, if not a couple times a day... but what can I say, I love blogging!

I just want to say thanks to everyone who has stood by me through all of the ups and downs over the past 100 posts, it really has meant the world to me.

I was inspired by a fellow blogger, Tara, to do something special for my 100th post. I am not sure If I will be able to capture it as well as the original author, Tara, did with her Autobiography in 100 words, but I am going to try.

Rebecca's 100 Word Autobiography

Unplanned pregnancy, Mom wanted me.

Loving Grandparents. Tumultuous times.

Addicted Father, passive Mother.

Mom remarried - Drug addicted Stepfather.

Drug raid, Foster home, Mother in jail.

Life spiraled downward. Hardships galore.

Instability. I Attempted perfection, wanted control.

Mom finally left him.

We were free.

Mother depressed.

Light appeared, Jesus - Glimmer of hope.

Moved to Minnesota. Alone. Depressed.

Found guy. Wanted Stability. Very abusive…finally left.

Broken. Hurt. Rebounded, met another Man. Married. Turned from God again.

Felt imprisoned.

Pregnancy. Struggle. Had a BEAUTIFUL BABY!

Cancer discovered. Marriage failing. Ultimatum, then Divorce.

Starting over, Serving Jesus… Taking one step at a time.

whew, that was tough. But again, therapeutic!
The power of words are amazing.
There is so much more to it than just that, but seriously, 100 words... That is tough, with so much to say. It seems so dark, but yet there have been so many amazing God stories along the way, I have a feeling though that now that I am whole heartedly serving God the rest will all be uphill :) My parents are both amazing, and they have their own story to tell, they are both serving God now, and I have a fabulous relationship with them both...

Like I always say a wonderful family, fabulous friends, and a very supportive Church! I am one blessed girl!
God has been amazing through it all. I am Loved, and I am happy. He has been there every step of the way, and although more often than not I turned to my own understanding, he has stood there, arms open wide, waiting for me to run into his embrace. Now here I am in the arms of my father, and so much healing is taking place, it amazes me! I have learned so much about who I am in these last few months, I feel great, and happy, and I am single and okay, for the first time. No more looking to a guy for stability, now I am looking to God!

A little glimpse into my blog...

Here are a few posts that will give you a feel for my blog!
Read, enjoy, and send some feedback my way if you feel inclined to do so...

Caring for Myself FIRST
Make a Difference
Power of Love
New Perspective
Some are a Breeze
100
Need a Break
Boundaries

Here I am

I am actually really excited and looking forword to doing this whole blogging thing. I think that it is really one of the coolest things that technology has brought us as individuals. I have come across some pretty amazing blogs and also some not so great blogs. The ones that were awe inspiring have inspired me to start one of my own, so, here I am blogging world. I really do have so much to say. I am sure that it will be great to have the opportunity to reflect on life through the keyboard as well as it just may be a little therapuetic for me. I am looking forward to this new journey in my life... Welcome to the world of blogging!