Some Pieces are Secret

is that bad, that some of me is not shown?

I am not revealing my whole...

Sometimes I feel pulled down by the weight of it's hold.

On occasion my life feels like it is not my own.


I walk on, with that "Rebecca smile" on my face,

part of me is ashamed, and part of me is at peace.

I can finally see some of my inner beauty, it is amazing.


Am I just striving for perfection?


Because It brings me exhilaration, joy, happiness and warmth.

I feel closer to God, deep inside my soul.


Yet I feel a part of my soul, anxious and concerned.

Or is it this female side, that is taking control.

Emotions consume me, they eat me whole.


I need to escape the pressures, from myself, and from this God wretched word.


I am going to step aside,

stop looking for the answers elsewhere.

I am going to pray, draw near,

and see where I am guided.

Thank-you

In my weakness, I look for your Strength.

It is you who brings me peace.

I am tired and I cannot do this without you.



Time has consumed me.

Eaten me from the inside out.



I am sorry again. I am lost. I need you.

Help me find my way again.



You bring me energy.

Sometimes I forget to turn to you.

And when I remember, I am again humbled

when I embrace your amazing Grace.

Your Love. Your astonishing acceptance.




Oneness with myself. Oneness with You, God.

As I draw near I can feel you. Your love consumes me.

It feels replenishing. I feel refreshed again.

As my tears fall, I am reminded.

How I have missed my creator.



As I draw near again. My Heart rejoices.

I feel rejuvenated and refreshed. So Alive.

My soul dances, and my arms reach to feel your presence.

As I worship, I can feel you deep inside my soul.



I am consumed.

I feel so near, to my origin.



Your presence is ecstasy, words bring it no justice.

I know it is You God, You are the ONE.

The only ONE that I need. You satisfy My every want, my every need.

Again I find myself crying out.

'Here I am, Here is my life. I am Yours'



In my weakness, I draw near To You.

You bring me Peace. I am again so thankful.

Life is full of Surprises

Living in the moment means
letting go of the past and not waiting for the future.
It means living your life consciously,
aware that each moment you breathe is a gift.
- Oprah Winfrey

Sometimes my mind is blown by the complexity of life... the things we take for granted... and the spontaneity of situations and outcomes... Lately my heart has been touched by so many stories, and my eyes have been opened by my own circumstances. It is so awesome growing older and having new epiphanies and realizations - growing wisdom.

I happened to come across a Caring bridge site written by the parents of Kaitlyn Johanson. At 16 years of age, in August of 2007, she was in a severe car accident in Rochester MN. She was rushed to Mayo clinic. She sustained numerous injuries, the biggest triumph they have had to face was the traumatic brain injuries that were incurred. Kasey and Brian, Kaitlyn's parents, lives were shaken and drastically changed by this tragedy, as was Kaitlyn's. There lives have been forever changed. As a parent I can only imagine all that they have been through... Their courage and strength throughout it all have amazed and shocked me! I am such an empathetic person so when I come across stories such as these it is like it becomes my own story - I become affected by it, and something changes inside of me. It has been weighing on my heart and I have been praying for them. Sometimes I wonder if God brings these stories into my life to teach me a lesson. I take so many things for granted... The ability to walk, to talk, communicate in a socially acceptable fashion, the fact the my brain and my mind function at a normal rate, my eyesight, my ability to live life easily without having to worry about my disabilities hindering my way of life. Poor Kaitlyn had to start all over, she had to relearn how to walk, talk, eat... Two years later she is still in the process of recovery and has to face simple issues day in and day out. Her recovery process will be in effect for years to come, and she will probably never be the person that she was prior to her accident.

Nothing is ever predictable! Sometimes I am fearful of what the future holds, but then I realize that it is out of my hands and I shouldn't worry! No matter what things will always work out in the end, it is sort of a motto that I have created for the hard times that I have faced over the years, and will continue to face down the road. We need to live for today, we never know what tomorrow will bring. We need to appreciate every moment, and not let the small things steal our joy and happiness. Life is so short to be angry all the time, or to hold a grudge.

To end on a lighter note, I love the quote from Kung Fu Panda (I know this is not where it originated, but every time I hear it I think of Master Oogway, and he makes me smile :)

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery.
But today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present
~Master Oogway

Trust in God

'Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. ' John 14:1

What do we do and where do we turn when it seems like everything is falling apart? When we lose our jobs, or our children are heading down the wrong path, when someone dies, or we are facing devastating consequences for the bad choices that we have made; who do we turn to?

'Dear brothers and sisters,when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.'
James 1:2-4

All too often I turn to worry, guilt, shame... But I need to remember that my life is not in my control. I am called to give it up, I am called to surrender, to a God who is far greater than my mind can imagine.

'Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.' Matt 16:24-25

God wants us to give up ALL control and put it into his hands!! Those tough seasons in your life could be a time where he is preparing you to rely more on him and give up control of your own life or the life of a spouse or child. Truly, all of our lives are out of our control, it is only God that knows what is ahead and in store for us.

We need to be reassured that God has great plans, and without these hard times all of this, Gods plans may not happen. I cannot help but think and know that God is in everything somehow, even though it may not seem like it at the moment... When we are facing those challenging times that life throws our way, God could be in the middle of it all preparing us for something great, for something that can turn your world upside down.

When we are going through those rough times we need to remember to turn to him, he is right by our side!

Last night I was spending time with Shirley (it is her birthday today!) we were talking about how Madi is influenced by both Dan and I. I expressed my concern for Madi's life, I don't want her to make the same bad choices that I have made in my life. As a Mom I want her to make the best decisions and be the best that she can be throughout her whole life... Shirley reminded me and assured me that Madi is Gods, and she is in his hands - and when I went up in front of the church to dedicate her that is exactly what I was doing, I was giving her to God! Madi's life is in Gods hands now, I am just a Shepard guiding her along the path of life, helping to teach her and guide her!

I think that we often forget sometimes that when we become Christ filled and we give our lives to God, our lives are no longer ours to hold on to, and try to control... we need to give UP and give it to God. I know that it is easier said than done, but God wants us to lay down our lives and give it all to him, he knows the plans he has for our lives. We shouldn't worry, he has it all figured out.

'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jeremiah 29:11

When You Are Near

Words cannot express how much I love this song!


When You Are Near
Jeremy Camp

There’s no need to say a thing when I’m before you.
In this silence I feel refreshed with peace.
Break this noise that binds the voice that tries to speak.
Open my eyes to see Your gracious, sovereign reach.

It’s hard to talk when I feel that You are near,
When all is quiet it’s the beauty that I hear.
This hidden place where I know that You've calmed my fears.
I know that You’ve washed my tears.

The seasons of change I’ve faced have never left me wounded.
Only scars of hurt, but never deeply rooted.
This healing I have felt, no burden can replace.
Redemptive hope has been the story of my pain.

It’s hard to talk when I feel that You are near,
When all is quiet it’s the beauty that I hear.
This hidden place where I know that You've calmed my fears.
I know that You’ve washed my tears.

All is lost without the breath of life You give, and You give so much.
I want nothing more than You, so here’s my heart

It’s hard to talk when I feel that You are near,
When all is quiet it’s the beauty that I hear.
This hidden place where I know that You've calmed my fears.
I know that You’ve washed my tears.

Dancing in the rain

As life would have it no other way - we have to face trials every now and again... Sometimes things are seeming to go great and then unexpectedly a huge storm rolls in, and you are unprepared with no umbrella in hand.

I must live in Seattle or something because the storms come often it seems, sometimes they are only small, sprinkles here and there, but sometimes they seem never ending like huge storms that seem to take forever to pass, and pound on my soul. At that point I am just waiting for the sun to return again.

Then I feel as though I am lacking and that I need some sunshine in my life... but then something always seems to remind me of all those things that bring light into my life. My Daughter, who is the sun itself to my life, she is amazing... as well as so many other things that I have been blessed with: God, My Mom, Adam, My fabulous church that is filled with people who love me, friends, good times, great places, and fun things... I can go on and on... I am going to try to remind myself that I am allowed to dance in the rain, and sometimes that is the funnest way to dance, is through the storm.

Keeping my head up, my face toward the sky, and letting the rain fall down on my face, it is refreshing... renewing... and I am learning through it all.

Who am I to Judge?

"Judging requires that you think yourself superior over the one you judge."

"What right did he have to judge anyone? ... All his judgments had been superficial, based on appearance and actions, things easily interpreted by whatever state of mind or prejudice that supported the need to exalt himself, or to feel safe, or to belong." (pp. 159-160) The Shack

One moment does not define me...

"There is not one moment that defines you. Therefore, you cannot be judged or judge one another by one single interaction or encounter. Rather, every decision defines you. It is a series of interfaces that helps you to understand another individual, and even helps you to understand yourself. The more you observe yourself and dissect the reasoning behind your words and decisions, the more you will be defined."

Proverbs 3:5-6

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding.

6 Seek his will in all you do,

and he will show you which path to take.

The Beauty of Grace we are given

"Just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."
(p. 185) The Shack

I can't walk on water without God

"If you try to live this without me, without the ongoing dialogue of us sharing this journey together, it will be like trying to walk on the water by yourself. You can't! And when you try, however well-intentioned, you're going to sink."
(p. 180) The Shack

Small things do make a difference

We are all entitled to live our own lives, and how we live it is up to us as individuals making choices for ourselves. We have been given a free will to make our own decisions for the direction of our life. So many have a hard time taking responsibility for themselves, and some people want to take responsibility for others... Our culture gives us these unhealthy views of boundaries telling us all lies about where our responsibilities lie. According to the Law of Boundaries we are only responsible for ourselves (and to others). We are responsible for our actions, our thoughts, our own choices, and attitudes and no one Else's. Every choice you make has a consequence, whether it is a good one or bad one, it is yours to make.

Knowing this it blows my mind that people ask, "If there is a God why is there evil and why do bad things happen, why is our world filled with hurt?" and here is my simple answer - you can take it or leave it: "Because we, as a human race, have made bad choices. Our 'free-will' has corrupted the world. And people have chosen evil over good. Gods will is perfect and whole, and if he forced it on us then things would be 'Perfect', and there really would be world peace, this world would no longer know hurt like we know it now! But if we were to give up our free will to God then we would be like robots. I don't know about you, but personally I would rather be an individual who has a soul, and can make choices for myself, and be challenged as I face my life and the hardships that I face, and grow when I make mistakes. The choices that people have made and continue to make affect our world. God has been so gracious to give us the freedom and blessing of having a free will, so here it is, said by me, "God is not responsible for all of the hurt, all of the poverty, all of the bad that has happened here on earth. We, the people of this world - The Human Race, are the ones responsible for the messes that we have created as individuals. Don't blame God for the bad choices that people have made or even the choices that you yourself have made, because he isn't responsible for those choices."

So, I challenge you to think about this: How can you make good decisions for the world, how can you make a difference and help, what can you do to help end poverty, what can you do to help end hurt?

Mother Teresa said: "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." So I challenge you to do just that. The world is not on your shoulders, but you do have a life to live and small choices to make that can make an impact on this world. Reflecting back on Mother Teresa's life we can see that she made an amazing difference in so many lives - even in the world - she didn't change the world, but she did make a difference. Mother Teresa actively gave of herself, day in and day out, she was hands on with people that needed her, and needed help. She is an example of Gods will for this world - and she was fully human, and imperfect, not a saint - she made some really great choices for her life, and lived out Gods will for her - imagine what our lives would be like if we did the same! How can you be an example of God to this world in need, this world hurting??

My church has started this group called 'The Theology Pub'. We are instructed to read a book, one that is assigned to us. For next month we need to read a book titled The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical. As I packed up my apartment I began listening to this book on audio, and found myself pondering about all that God wants to do with my life, and about what I can do to make a difference, to help start a revolution in this hurting world. I haven't finished the book, but so far - 6 chapters in - it is amazing. I am challenged and now I have a new perspective on how I should live this life. Ask yourself this, Who are you living for? For Yourself... For others... For God... who?

We all talk about how we wish for world peace, and how This should really be like That. So lets do it, start making small decisions to start a revolution for change, because if we all stepped in to make a difference a huge difference would be made. I am challenged to start walking my talk, and living this life making small choices with great love to make positive changes
"Most good things have been said far too many times and just need to be lived." — Shane Claiborne {Author of the book The Irresistible Revolution}.

The {Amazing} Shack

I know that some people out there aren't huge fans of reading, and for the majority of my life I would have fallen into that category as well... UNTIL just recently, for some odd reason, I have been craving literature. About a month ago I was then encouraged by my Mom to read the book 'The Shack'. Little did I know that I would be swept off of my feet...

It is an amazing, thought provoking, inspirational, life changing, fabulously surprising and enjoyable read... for lack of better words "It knocked my Socks off!". Verbs and adjectives cannot express my joy, or my feelings about this book. If I were to choose ONE book (other than the bible) that has been life changing for me, it would be 'The Shack'. I don't know I could just be a little zealous because I just got finished listening to it, but I was touched by this book like I have never been touched by a book before!

All of my preconceived notions about God and life were transformed, into something beautiful. All of my thoughts were revealed to me, and so many transformations in my heart occurred. Little did I know that reading this book would set a new precedent for the way that I view and live life.

As I finished it this morning, all of my feelings culminated into a contentment and understanding that I never imagined that I could ever have. Part of me felt exhilarated as I ended the audio book (I listened to it on audio, while driving to and from work, over the past week) and another part of me was sad, disappointed that it was over. Not that the book was in any way a disappointment, but the fact that the revelations had to come to an end, I was bummed. My daily trips in the car that I SO looked forward to are over... BUT I am left with so many thoughts, and a small smile on my face, realizing how much more amazing my God is than I ever knew. The little smirk that is now left on my face is there because I know that I will never be able to fully explain how I feel, and I know how minuscule my thoughts are compared to Gods greatness. I am utterly thankful for the opportunities that God has given me in this small life of mine.

I was challenged, and I was healed during the listening of the words written in this book. It is so simple, yet so profound. My mind is left cultivating all of the fabulous revelations that I received from this book. My mind - still trying to grasp all that the words held... Part of me ever wonders if I ever will be able to grasp all of the Revelations that this book holds.

This will not be the last time that I read or listen to this book, it will be a book that I will cherish for years to come; A book that will be passed down for generations; A book that I will surely read to my children and my grandchildren over the years. I bought two hard copies of the book on Amazon two days ago, because even though I had not finished the book yet, I had already realized that it was such a priceless treasure to me, and to the world; who has yet to read it! So I encourage you to pick it up, and if you can't afford it, please let me know, I am passing around a copy of mine, because it is that monumental of a literary work of art, in my eyes!

As I now encounter thoughts of facing my 'Shack', I am relieved in knowing that God is there every step of the way, encouraging me, and deep down I have no fear. I know that I will stumble, and I know that I will fall, but now - after listening to this book - I truly know, like never before, that God will be right by my side to pick me up, and to help me heal my wounds.

I know that this book is fiction, and I know that it is not written as fact and truth, but the words and examples throughout the book ring true to Gods nature, and that is what I love about it!

HERE is the link to the only marketing that has been done for this book, it has spread like wildfire by word of mouth. William P. Young has followed Gods plan for his broken life, and I applaud him for all of his dedication and hard work as the non-author that he really is.

Thanks for reading my short literary review. Not that I am a pro by any means, or that I know what I am doing or saying, but I was so impressed and changed by this book that I wanted to be able to share it with the world, and the only way that I know how is to blog about it.

So there it is, my feelings about 'The Shack'

"If Anything Matters... Everything Matters" ~William P. Young

James is my favortie book in the Bible

James 1:19 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. 20 Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. 21 So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.

I aspire to live righteously and I pray this over my life continually. I want to be that person, the one who is sharing and kind, caring and compassionate, slow to anger, and rich in Love. I want to be the one who has open arms to those that need a shoulder to cry on or a home to stay in. God is working in me, but it is a slow process, and it is work on my part because I am only human, as we all are.

Back on the right track

My heart feels good, and I know that I am doing what is right. I am out of the rut for now and walking the path that is best for me. I am choosing to follow the path that God has for me.

I am so thankful for all of the support, the accountability, the wonderful friends who keep me in tune with God...

Proverbs 10:8-10
8 The wise are glad to be instructed,
but babbling fools fall flat on their faces.
9 People with integrity walk safely,
but those who follow crooked paths will slip and fall.
10 People who wink at wrong cause trouble,
but a bold reproof promotes peace.

mistakes will happen along the way

Condemnation. Shame. Resentment. Guilt. Disappointment



often I feel these things when I make mistakes, when I slip up. Although I know that I am forgiven, that I am given grace, I still beat myself up. My heart feels ashamed and disappointed when I fail... I am constantly fighting myself, my perfectionism. I am my own worst enemy.



My heart is sad when I look back and see the truth. I was just a trophy wife, and nothing more. Did he even really love me? I have made so many mistakes and I naturally want to follow the old pattern that I have walked for so many years. There is a rut that was dug, and I keep falling into it!



I am trying to discover who I am and what I want, and why...

Why did I choose what that life? How do I fix what I choose? I want to make healthy choices, I want to turn away from the old life that I once knew. I want to create a new life for Madi and Myself. Sometimes it seems so hard...



But I know that His Grace is sufficient. Time will heal the wounds, and the rut will be filled once it is no longer walked in... and along the way the mistakes will still happen, but I am not separated from Gods grace he may be disappointed by he will not condemn me, he will still love me and draw me near.

Happiness is a Choice

It is as easy as that, although sometimes we make it more complicated. It is as simple as choosing. I was reminded today, and it brings a smile to my face, because I know that I am free; free to choose my attitudes, my behaviors and my actions. No one has control over me, I have the power to make the choice, and today I choose Joy and happiness :)

If you want to be happy, be. ~Leo Tolstoy

Let Go and Let Love

'Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a Love like that!
—It lights the whole Sky.'

Love is amazing, it brings Joy, pleasure and delight! It is magnificent! It opens our eyes to truth and it even prolongs our lives!

Love is healing and restoring for both the giver and the receiver. Why would you choose to hate or choose to hold resentment? Unforgiveness is an acid which first destroys the vessel in which it is contained... that vessell is you! Are you holding unforgiveness in your heart? Do you have hatred toward someone? If so just think: You are destroying yourself, that acid is burning away at you, not the person you hate. Choose to forgive, and choose to love, love brings true life.

'I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.' MLKJ

We are called to love people as Christ loves us!

Loving and being loved is the greatest gift that can be given or received!

My Love for Madilynn is so great, yet she doesn't even know it, and even if she did she wouldn't be able to fathom it, yet it brings so much joy to me just to be able to love her. A mothers love is amazing. I never really understood what an unconditional love was like until I gave birth to my daughter, God revealed to me some amazing things through her life. Now I have a better understanding of Gods love for us and it blows my mind.

Why is there Pain and Suffering?

Without pain, suffering and tribulation we wouldn't understand Love, we would have no compassion or faith, we would have no appreciation, we would have no strength and courage, no endurance or patience, no character at all, but most of all we would have no clue how amazing our God truly is. This is my own take on why there is pain and suffering, it is not a curse but a gift to unvweil our human eyes to reveal Gods goodness... so, why there is pain and suffering...

"A man went to a barbershop to have

his hair cut
and his beard trimmed.

As the barber began to work, they began
to have a good conversation.

They talked about so many things
and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the
subject of God, the barber said:

'I don't believe that God
exists.'

'Why do you say
that?' asked the customer.

'Well, you just have to go out in
the street to realize that God doesn't exist.
Tell me, if God
exists, would there be so many sick people?
Would there be abandoned
children?

If God existed,
there would be neither suffering nor pain.
I can't imagine a loving
God who would allow all of these things.'

The customer thought for a
moment,
but didn't respond because he didn't
want to start an argument.

The barber finished his job and the customer left the
shop.

Just after he left the barbershop,
he saw a man in the street with long,
stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard.

He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer
turned back and entered the barber shop
again and he said to the barber:

'You know what? Barbers do not exist.'

'How can you say that?' asked
the surprised barber.
'I am here, and I am a barber. And I just
worked on you!'

'No!' the customer exclaimed. 'Barbers don't
exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair
and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.'

'Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when
people do not come to me.'

'Exactly!' affirmed the customer.
'That's the point! God, too, DOES exist!

That's what happens
when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help.

That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'"

I will praise You in this storm

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"

I think that I am learning to dance in the rain, God has revealed so much to me these last few months. There have been ups and downs but overall, I am dancing in the rain right now. Although I am struggling because I am drenched with water and cold, figuratively speaking of course, I am still making the best of it :) with Gods help of course. I am learning to lean on him, because I cannot do it alone.