I have been painfully silent over last year... it is a new year though, and I am taking on the whole "new begginings"
I have been waiting for an amazingly epic moment to occur for reason to return to writing. Well, I can't tell you that anything epic has happened, but what I can do is start simple. Sometimes simplicity is the best way to go, we do as a matter of fact have to begin a race with just one step.
Here is my step. And hopefully the momentum will build now and I will be back to writing every once in a while.
To start I will just put a few random things out there about where I am as of late...
-I am job hunting, and learning so much in the process. I have the best resume I have had in my life to date, I think I have got the whole process of hunting, and applying down... next comes the perfection of the interview - one down, who knows how many more to go.
-AND just to pretend as most of you do not know (which probably isn't the case because I am a loud mouth and make myself heard) I am a baccalaureate - yes, that means I FINALLY have a Bachelor's degree, in Social Science, to be precise. I graduated in Dec of 2010. I am proud of myself.
-Speaking of school--I must add to this blog--I was extremely challenged last year. This is one of the largest reasons as to my break from blogging. My mind could not handle much more than life was spewing my way as a Mom, student, and girlfriend who has lots of friends and family in my life!! Yeah, it was craziness...
-And just to put the cherry on top of the School sundae (so to speak), school pushed and challenged my mind in ways I never knew were possible - my beliefs, morals, standards all took a bit of a shift. I was pressed hard, my mind was challenged and at times I felt defeated, even hopeless.
-When fall introduced itself last year I was relieved to put the "tough" school behind me - I had written a 20 page dissertation on Global Poverty, in addition to another 56 pages on other intense "analytical" papers. And I began my Guitar class. It was amazing and priceless...
-I know how to read and play the three basic octaves of A-G and read rythmic patterns. in addition to so much more. Fall semester offered me a great change of pace. To be able to learn music while sitting and reflecting on all of the belief shifts and such that school had introduced. I am feeling better and more at ease with this all now, I know that discovering who I am, and what I am are all a process... the process of life!
-So here I am, Happy and content. I have an amazingly kind, supportive, loving, giving boyfriend who lifts me up everyday. I for the first time in a relationship feel at ease to be me, and feel significant as a person regardless of my flaws. I am a lucky girl!
-AND the best thing in life, the thing that has brought me the most joy, most growth, and the most smiles on my face - is Madilynn. She is a hoot! It has been a challenging year as a mother as well - but a great one at that! Madi went from babyhood to childhood last year: giving up the Pacifier, going from a crib to a toddler-bed, potty training, talking, counting, danacing, hobbying, you name it... she is a little person now, and I love it. We once in a while deal with the power-struggle, but we are both learning and everyday it seems like things are getting better - atleast she doesn't have daily timeout visits anymore! I love her, she is growing into a beautiful girl with personality!
-If I could change one thing about last year it would be the fact that I didn't freely write or journal. I love keeping my thoughts tangible by writing them to reflect at later times... maybe this year will be the year to start recording my thoughts, we'll see.
So, that is where I am at. I'll leave it at that. Taking one moment at a time I am moving forward in this ever increasingly fast paced life - hopefully not in silence.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Monday, March 22, 2010
Short of Perfect
I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.
John Burroughs
...all the quality time I want to spend with Madi, all the spaces in my home that need to be cleaned, all the reading and studying I need to get done for school, and all the little constant issues and things that need to be addressed. I feel overwhelmed.
Okay, Okay... I will admit, I am guilty! I am busy and I still find it hard to prioritize, organize, and figure out how to live life functionally. I struggle with perfection, and there is no doubt about it that, sometimes I am just too hard on myself. Sometimes I feel as though I am being pushed to the limit. I am overwhelmed, and there is just a sense of discontentment in my heart.
'Am I a good Mom? Am I spending my time productively? Am I making good decisions for Mine and Madi's life?'
There always seems to be a constant, nagging, lingering question -of this type- that lurks in the back of my mind. I am always looking over my own shoulder to see if I am doing it right. I think that like anyone else, I too struggle with the reality that I am not perfect and I make mistakes, but so do we all. My Mom helped open my eyes to a little piece of necessary reality the other day, while we were spending some much needed time together.
Through tears she stated, "You're the perfect Mom! You have it all together. Your life is structured and organized." Then she proceeded to talk about how out of control her life is, and how overwhelmed she feels to face all of the things that life throws her way. She expressed how inadequate she felt, and more than anything the underlying message of everything was that she felt as though she was failing at life.
At that moment I had an extreme sense of humility wash over me, realizing that I too have those same negative feelings about my own life, as she does hers. My Mom gave me insight into the reality of what day-to-day life entails. Life is overwhelming, it is hard, and we all fall short of perfect. Regardless of who we are, or what we do, we all make mistakes. What I am learning in life at the moment is that we are all individuals and we have our strengths and along with it, we have weaknesses as well.
My weaknesses have become my enemy, and they often become the focus of my life. Often I overlook my strengths. I tend to dwell on my failures and disregard my accomplishments. I am constantly beating myself up for the wrong choices I make, and for the negative patterns of behavior that I continually fall into. I place many unattainable pressures on myself, and feel a sense of disappointment when I fail at attaining them.
Sometimes I wonder if it is a female thing. Often as women we are constantly trying to be better... look better, do better, act better. There is even a cultural strain on us, from media and society telling us that we need to fit a certain standard. This standard, as it is presented by the media, is near perfection. I am pretty sure that no one fits that media standard!! Yet, I notice and see, in my life and many others as well, that we are constantly putting pressure on ourselves to meet this ideological standard of life.
So, the answer that I gave my Mom, after I gave her a good chuckle, was this "Mom, I am far from perfect! I fail everyday. I make bad decisions, and I am in constant awareness of how imperfect I am!" She isn't alone in her feelings of shame and failure, many people -even the ones who appear perfect- have the same feelings.
The cliche statement is true, 'The grass is greener on the other side.' So, just remember when you see the woman that looks like she has everything put together, chances are she doesn't. I am learning to be kinder to myself. I am trying harder to give myself the much needed break that I deserve. I am starting to remind myself that I have accomplished so much in both the small day-to-day things, and the things that affect my life as a whole. We can all use a little more encouragement, especially from ourselves, because often we are the hardest on ourselves. Dwelling on the negative is counterproductive - and actually a time waster in my mind. Naturally when we think positively things tend to work out better. Why waste time thinking negatively and dwelling on the bad, it is a waste of time. Spending your time focusing on negative thought interferes with your ability to be productive, and is wasteful, instead that energy can be used elsewhere.
Alyshia, a girlfriend of mine, pointed out to me how much I insult, and complain about myself - mostly in the physical sense. She was right, and I was feeling the effects of it emotionally. So I decided to strive to stop being so negative and to start telling myself and others how great I really am. I am of seeing and believing the reality of all of the positive aspects of who I am. The great thing is is that I am happier. I am more comfortable in my own skin, and more content with myself, even if I make a mistake. Confidence exudes inner beauty. This is the type of beauty that I want to characterize. I need to be confident for myself, and for Madi.
John Burroughs
...all the quality time I want to spend with Madi, all the spaces in my home that need to be cleaned, all the reading and studying I need to get done for school, and all the little constant issues and things that need to be addressed. I feel overwhelmed.
Okay, Okay... I will admit, I am guilty! I am busy and I still find it hard to prioritize, organize, and figure out how to live life functionally. I struggle with perfection, and there is no doubt about it that, sometimes I am just too hard on myself. Sometimes I feel as though I am being pushed to the limit. I am overwhelmed, and there is just a sense of discontentment in my heart.
'Am I a good Mom? Am I spending my time productively? Am I making good decisions for Mine and Madi's life?'
There always seems to be a constant, nagging, lingering question -of this type- that lurks in the back of my mind. I am always looking over my own shoulder to see if I am doing it right. I think that like anyone else, I too struggle with the reality that I am not perfect and I make mistakes, but so do we all. My Mom helped open my eyes to a little piece of necessary reality the other day, while we were spending some much needed time together.
Through tears she stated, "You're the perfect Mom! You have it all together. Your life is structured and organized." Then she proceeded to talk about how out of control her life is, and how overwhelmed she feels to face all of the things that life throws her way. She expressed how inadequate she felt, and more than anything the underlying message of everything was that she felt as though she was failing at life.
At that moment I had an extreme sense of humility wash over me, realizing that I too have those same negative feelings about my own life, as she does hers. My Mom gave me insight into the reality of what day-to-day life entails. Life is overwhelming, it is hard, and we all fall short of perfect. Regardless of who we are, or what we do, we all make mistakes. What I am learning in life at the moment is that we are all individuals and we have our strengths and along with it, we have weaknesses as well.
My weaknesses have become my enemy, and they often become the focus of my life. Often I overlook my strengths. I tend to dwell on my failures and disregard my accomplishments. I am constantly beating myself up for the wrong choices I make, and for the negative patterns of behavior that I continually fall into. I place many unattainable pressures on myself, and feel a sense of disappointment when I fail at attaining them.
Sometimes I wonder if it is a female thing. Often as women we are constantly trying to be better... look better, do better, act better. There is even a cultural strain on us, from media and society telling us that we need to fit a certain standard. This standard, as it is presented by the media, is near perfection. I am pretty sure that no one fits that media standard!! Yet, I notice and see, in my life and many others as well, that we are constantly putting pressure on ourselves to meet this ideological standard of life.
So, the answer that I gave my Mom, after I gave her a good chuckle, was this "Mom, I am far from perfect! I fail everyday. I make bad decisions, and I am in constant awareness of how imperfect I am!" She isn't alone in her feelings of shame and failure, many people -even the ones who appear perfect- have the same feelings.
The cliche statement is true, 'The grass is greener on the other side.' So, just remember when you see the woman that looks like she has everything put together, chances are she doesn't. I am learning to be kinder to myself. I am trying harder to give myself the much needed break that I deserve. I am starting to remind myself that I have accomplished so much in both the small day-to-day things, and the things that affect my life as a whole. We can all use a little more encouragement, especially from ourselves, because often we are the hardest on ourselves. Dwelling on the negative is counterproductive - and actually a time waster in my mind. Naturally when we think positively things tend to work out better. Why waste time thinking negatively and dwelling on the bad, it is a waste of time. Spending your time focusing on negative thought interferes with your ability to be productive, and is wasteful, instead that energy can be used elsewhere.
Alyshia, a girlfriend of mine, pointed out to me how much I insult, and complain about myself - mostly in the physical sense. She was right, and I was feeling the effects of it emotionally. So I decided to strive to stop being so negative and to start telling myself and others how great I really am. I am of seeing and believing the reality of all of the positive aspects of who I am. The great thing is is that I am happier. I am more comfortable in my own skin, and more content with myself, even if I make a mistake. Confidence exudes inner beauty. This is the type of beauty that I want to characterize. I need to be confident for myself, and for Madi.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Some Pieces are Secret
is that bad, that some of me is not shown?
I am not revealing my whole...
Sometimes I feel pulled down by the weight of it's hold.
On occasion my life feels like it is not my own.
I walk on, with that "Rebecca smile" on my face,
part of me is ashamed, and part of me is at peace.
I can finally see some of my inner beauty, it is amazing.
Am I just striving for perfection?
Because It brings me exhilaration, joy, happiness and warmth.
I feel closer to God, deep inside my soul.
Yet I feel a part of my soul, anxious and concerned.
Or is it this female side, that is taking control.
Emotions consume me, they eat me whole.
I need to escape the pressures, from myself, and from this God wretched word.
I am going to step aside,
stop looking for the answers elsewhere.
I am going to pray, draw near,
and see where I am guided.
I am not revealing my whole...
Sometimes I feel pulled down by the weight of it's hold.
On occasion my life feels like it is not my own.
I walk on, with that "Rebecca smile" on my face,
part of me is ashamed, and part of me is at peace.
I can finally see some of my inner beauty, it is amazing.
Am I just striving for perfection?
Because It brings me exhilaration, joy, happiness and warmth.
I feel closer to God, deep inside my soul.
Yet I feel a part of my soul, anxious and concerned.
Or is it this female side, that is taking control.
Emotions consume me, they eat me whole.
I need to escape the pressures, from myself, and from this God wretched word.
I am going to step aside,
stop looking for the answers elsewhere.
I am going to pray, draw near,
and see where I am guided.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Little Surprises everywhere...
‘Time changes everything except something within us which is always surprised by change.’ Thomas Hardy
Woah! So as some of you know and some of you don't life has thrown me a little curve ball. Some change has come my way, some would say it is bad change... But who knows, a door has closed and I have been led to a new door... so I am on my way to a new adventure. I am excited to see what life has for me. So no, I wouldn't say that for me this is a bad change, it has been bittersweet, but not necessarily bad.
The company that has employed me for the past two and a half years now ceases to exist. They are going out of business (if they haven't already gone under that is) and I am sure that many people will be affected by the ripple effect from the fall of the company. My heart is sad for all of those who have encountered a loss due to Groom closing their doors. My heart goes out to my Boss Jim Blackwood and his wife Stacey, who were part owners of the company. They were nothing less than kind and compassionate to me during my employment with them. They stood by me through many hardships and triumphs in my own personal life. I will never forget them, and their graciousness.
So I am unemployed, for the first time in what seems like forever...
I applied for unemployment (I have yet to receive any compensation thus far) and am hopeful that it will suffice for now. I decided that the wise thing would be to put my job searching on halt and return to school for the semester and finish my degree. I am now on track to be graduating with my BA in Social Science following the summer semester. I am thrilled, nervous, and anxious...This is all going to be a huge change of lifestyle and of time and pace. All change is hard because we humans like predictability and routine, but it will be good and it will challenge me again, and I look forward to it, it will feel good to get things done.
So life will go on, and I am happy to say that I am in a good place. Watching Madi grow is amazing, and having the relationships that I do with the family and friends in my life, it just amazes me beyond measure. I cannot say that I am not blessed, because I am, I am more blessed than what many will experience in a lifetime.
Woah! So as some of you know and some of you don't life has thrown me a little curve ball. Some change has come my way, some would say it is bad change... But who knows, a door has closed and I have been led to a new door... so I am on my way to a new adventure. I am excited to see what life has for me. So no, I wouldn't say that for me this is a bad change, it has been bittersweet, but not necessarily bad.
The company that has employed me for the past two and a half years now ceases to exist. They are going out of business (if they haven't already gone under that is) and I am sure that many people will be affected by the ripple effect from the fall of the company. My heart is sad for all of those who have encountered a loss due to Groom closing their doors. My heart goes out to my Boss Jim Blackwood and his wife Stacey, who were part owners of the company. They were nothing less than kind and compassionate to me during my employment with them. They stood by me through many hardships and triumphs in my own personal life. I will never forget them, and their graciousness.
So I am unemployed, for the first time in what seems like forever...
I applied for unemployment (I have yet to receive any compensation thus far) and am hopeful that it will suffice for now. I decided that the wise thing would be to put my job searching on halt and return to school for the semester and finish my degree. I am now on track to be graduating with my BA in Social Science following the summer semester. I am thrilled, nervous, and anxious...This is all going to be a huge change of lifestyle and of time and pace. All change is hard because we humans like predictability and routine, but it will be good and it will challenge me again, and I look forward to it, it will feel good to get things done.
So life will go on, and I am happy to say that I am in a good place. Watching Madi grow is amazing, and having the relationships that I do with the family and friends in my life, it just amazes me beyond measure. I cannot say that I am not blessed, because I am, I am more blessed than what many will experience in a lifetime.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Trust in God
'Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. ' John 14:1
What do we do and where do we turn when it seems like everything is falling apart? When we lose our jobs, or our children are heading down the wrong path, when someone dies, or we are facing devastating consequences for the bad choices that we have made; who do we turn to?
'Dear brothers and sisters,when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.'
James 1:2-4
All too often I turn to worry, guilt, shame... But I need to remember that my life is not in my control. I am called to give it up, I am called to surrender, to a God who is far greater than my mind can imagine.
'Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.' Matt 16:24-25
God wants us to give up ALL control and put it into his hands!! Those tough seasons in your life could be a time where he is preparing you to rely more on him and give up control of your own life or the life of a spouse or child. Truly, all of our lives are out of our control, it is only God that knows what is ahead and in store for us.
We need to be reassured that God has great plans, and without these hard times all of this, Gods plans may not happen. I cannot help but think and know that God is in everything somehow, even though it may not seem like it at the moment... When we are facing those challenging times that life throws our way, God could be in the middle of it all preparing us for something great, for something that can turn your world upside down.
When we are going through those rough times we need to remember to turn to him, he is right by our side!
Last night I was spending time with Shirley (it is her birthday today!) we were talking about how Madi is influenced by both Dan and I. I expressed my concern for Madi's life, I don't want her to make the same bad choices that I have made in my life. As a Mom I want her to make the best decisions and be the best that she can be throughout her whole life... Shirley reminded me and assured me that Madi is Gods, and she is in his hands - and when I went up in front of the church to dedicate her that is exactly what I was doing, I was giving her to God! Madi's life is in Gods hands now, I am just a Shepard guiding her along the path of life, helping to teach her and guide her!
I think that we often forget sometimes that when we become Christ filled and we give our lives to God, our lives are no longer ours to hold on to, and try to control... we need to give UP and give it to God. I know that it is easier said than done, but God wants us to lay down our lives and give it all to him, he knows the plans he has for our lives. We shouldn't worry, he has it all figured out.
'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jeremiah 29:11
Thursday, August 20, 2009
200 later
My Mom will tell you that I was born an adult - 'Responsible, and ready to take on the world...' and in some ways she is right, but I haven't always felt that way in every sense...
I am just a girl, and I think that I will always be 'Just a girl'. My Mom is a fabulous woman, who has made her fair share of mistakes - as we all have - in some ways I followed her footsteps and in other ways I deliberately became everything that she was not - you know how the saying goes about being like your 'Mom'.
I was unplanned for sure, conceived one night after 18 months of separation during the divorce process, I may have been an accident, but God obviously had some different plans! I believe that I was meant to be, That is my idea and I am sticking to it.
I am a sister, a daughter, and a Mother who has experienced so much in such a short life of 24 years and 191 days. I was born to a single Mom, who was in college, I was her second of three children and that is where my story began. My life as a kid was pretty unstable, which leaves me to say that there is no simple way to explain where and what my childhood was like, I have so many different recollections of what life looked like, and to be honest it is hard for me to know what happened when, I just have all of these memories floating around, and they make up and define who I am today...
Drugs, abuse and instability is what I grew up experiencing. I would never want to relive my childhood, but I wouldn't change it, only because I am happy with who I am today... I will say though that although I grew up in utter chaos, I felt like there is one thing that I never lacked, and it was Love - whether it came from my Mom, My Grandma, or My Sister - it was there, and I truly believe that as a human, that is the one thing that is necessary for healthy survival.
As I approached the 200th post I really began to recollect this whole blogging process, it has been truly amazing. There is something so liberating about spilling to the world your heart and your emotions, putting yourself out there in such a vulnerable way, and with it has come growth for me, it has been a great endeavor this past year writing what is on my mind.
So I have decided to re-post something that I feel really captures my life in a little nutshell of 100 words - it was a brilliant idea, and I thought about writing a 200 word autobiography but decided against it, because it was so well written in 100 words...
I am just a girl, and I think that I will always be 'Just a girl'. My Mom is a fabulous woman, who has made her fair share of mistakes - as we all have - in some ways I followed her footsteps and in other ways I deliberately became everything that she was not - you know how the saying goes about being like your 'Mom'.
I was unplanned for sure, conceived one night after 18 months of separation during the divorce process, I may have been an accident, but God obviously had some different plans! I believe that I was meant to be, That is my idea and I am sticking to it.
I am a sister, a daughter, and a Mother who has experienced so much in such a short life of 24 years and 191 days. I was born to a single Mom, who was in college, I was her second of three children and that is where my story began. My life as a kid was pretty unstable, which leaves me to say that there is no simple way to explain where and what my childhood was like, I have so many different recollections of what life looked like, and to be honest it is hard for me to know what happened when, I just have all of these memories floating around, and they make up and define who I am today...
Drugs, abuse and instability is what I grew up experiencing. I would never want to relive my childhood, but I wouldn't change it, only because I am happy with who I am today... I will say though that although I grew up in utter chaos, I felt like there is one thing that I never lacked, and it was Love - whether it came from my Mom, My Grandma, or My Sister - it was there, and I truly believe that as a human, that is the one thing that is necessary for healthy survival.
As I approached the 200th post I really began to recollect this whole blogging process, it has been truly amazing. There is something so liberating about spilling to the world your heart and your emotions, putting yourself out there in such a vulnerable way, and with it has come growth for me, it has been a great endeavor this past year writing what is on my mind.
So I have decided to re-post something that I feel really captures my life in a little nutshell of 100 words - it was a brilliant idea, and I thought about writing a 200 word autobiography but decided against it, because it was so well written in 100 words...
So here it is My 100 Word Autobiography
Unplanned pregnancy, Mom wanted me.
Loving Grandparents. Tumultuous times.
Addicted Father, passive Mother.
Mom remarried - Drug addicted Stepfather.
Drug raid, Foster home, Mother in jail.
Life spiraled downward. Hardships galore.
Instability. I Attempted perfection, wanted control.
Mom finally left him.
We were free.
Mother depressed.
Light appeared, Jesus - Glimmer of hope.
Moved to Minnesota. Alone. Depressed.
Found guy. Wanted Stability. Very abusive…finally left.
Broken. Hurt. Rebounded, met another Man. Married. Turned from God again.
Felt imprisoned.
Pregnancy. Struggle. Had a BEAUTIFUL BABY!
Cancer discovered. Marriage failing. Ultimatum, then Divorce.
Starting over, Serving Jesus… Taking one step at a time.
Loving Grandparents. Tumultuous times.
Addicted Father, passive Mother.
Mom remarried - Drug addicted Stepfather.
Drug raid, Foster home, Mother in jail.
Life spiraled downward. Hardships galore.
Instability. I Attempted perfection, wanted control.
Mom finally left him.
We were free.
Mother depressed.
Light appeared, Jesus - Glimmer of hope.
Moved to Minnesota. Alone. Depressed.
Found guy. Wanted Stability. Very abusive…finally left.
Broken. Hurt. Rebounded, met another Man. Married. Turned from God again.
Felt imprisoned.
Pregnancy. Struggle. Had a BEAUTIFUL BABY!
Cancer discovered. Marriage failing. Ultimatum, then Divorce.
Starting over, Serving Jesus… Taking one step at a time.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Life is great
My outlook today is amazing for some reason... I must have woken up on the right side of the bed! it probably helps that things in life right now are going really well, I do love being in a happy mood, I think that I am going to choose to be happy more often!
I am feeling quite inspirational today, and my mind is racing from one place to another with some fabulous thoughts, I just don't know how to get them out in a verbal way, so I will just smile and keep them to myself for once!
I got a promotion, I am officially now the Operations Manager for Groom Construction, I am so excited! I feel appreciated, and I feel like working my little-big tush off for this company!
I am feeling quite inspirational today, and my mind is racing from one place to another with some fabulous thoughts, I just don't know how to get them out in a verbal way, so I will just smile and keep them to myself for once!
I got a promotion, I am officially now the Operations Manager for Groom Construction, I am so excited! I feel appreciated, and I feel like working my little-big tush off for this company!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
People Die Everyday
And it is just a part of life, hopefully when you die you will have left a legacy... not necessarily monetarily speaking, but a legacy of a life lived to the fullest, of a life that was lived giving to others.
So... Michael Jackson died, and his memorial service was today. I am indifferent about the situation, but I am not related to him; Yes, I think he was very talented, and yes, it is sad that he died and he will be missed by many, especially his poor children who lost a Dad. BUT seriously... is all of the hype, obsession, and idolization necessary!? He was only human like all of us, holy cow, it is being so overly publicized, it is ridiculous! I couldn't imagine being the family, and feeling overwhelmed at how publicized his death is!
It is great how when Mother Theresa died it was a humble thing, she was not idolized, but her death was mourned, in an appropriate manner. Something that I just totally think was a "God thing" was that she died a couple of days after Princess Di... it was such a beautiful thing because she wasn't put up on a pedestal, she didn't die in the limelight, which I am sure is what she would have wanted. She lived a selfless life, one that was full of love and sacrifice, and like Michael Jackson, and like you and I, Mother Theresa was only human. She lived a life filled with Love, the Love that God has for his people, and it was such a beautiful thing.
I hope to live a life like Mother Theresa, one that will leave a legacy to many people, I only fear that my own selfishness will get in the way of my legacy left.
So... Michael Jackson died, and his memorial service was today. I am indifferent about the situation, but I am not related to him; Yes, I think he was very talented, and yes, it is sad that he died and he will be missed by many, especially his poor children who lost a Dad. BUT seriously... is all of the hype, obsession, and idolization necessary!? He was only human like all of us, holy cow, it is being so overly publicized, it is ridiculous! I couldn't imagine being the family, and feeling overwhelmed at how publicized his death is!
It is great how when Mother Theresa died it was a humble thing, she was not idolized, but her death was mourned, in an appropriate manner. Something that I just totally think was a "God thing" was that she died a couple of days after Princess Di... it was such a beautiful thing because she wasn't put up on a pedestal, she didn't die in the limelight, which I am sure is what she would have wanted. She lived a selfless life, one that was full of love and sacrifice, and like Michael Jackson, and like you and I, Mother Theresa was only human. She lived a life filled with Love, the Love that God has for his people, and it was such a beautiful thing.
I hope to live a life like Mother Theresa, one that will leave a legacy to many people, I only fear that my own selfishness will get in the way of my legacy left.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Small things do make a difference
We are all entitled to live our own lives, and how we live it is up to us as individuals making choices for ourselves. We have been given a free will to make our own decisions for the direction of our life. So many have a hard time taking responsibility for themselves, and some people want to take responsibility for others... Our culture gives us these unhealthy views of boundaries telling us all lies about where our responsibilities lie. According to the Law of Boundaries we are only responsible for ourselves (and to others). We are responsible for our actions, our thoughts, our own choices, and attitudes and no one Else's. Every choice you make has a consequence, whether it is a good one or bad one, it is yours to make.
Knowing this it blows my mind that people ask, "If there is a God why is there evil and why do bad things happen, why is our world filled with hurt?" and here is my simple answer - you can take it or leave it: "Because we, as a human race, have made bad choices. Our 'free-will' has corrupted the world. And people have chosen evil over good. Gods will is perfect and whole, and if he forced it on us then things would be 'Perfect', and there really would be world peace, this world would no longer know hurt like we know it now! But if we were to give up our free will to God then we would be like robots. I don't know about you, but personally I would rather be an individual who has a soul, and can make choices for myself, and be challenged as I face my life and the hardships that I face, and grow when I make mistakes. The choices that people have made and continue to make affect our world. God has been so gracious to give us the freedom and blessing of having a free will, so here it is, said by me, "God is not responsible for all of the hurt, all of the poverty, all of the bad that has happened here on earth. We, the people of this world - The Human Race, are the ones responsible for the messes that we have created as individuals. Don't blame God for the bad choices that people have made or even the choices that you yourself have made, because he isn't responsible for those choices."
So, I challenge you to think about this: How can you make good decisions for the world, how can you make a difference and help, what can you do to help end poverty, what can you do to help end hurt?
Mother Teresa said: "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." So I challenge you to do just that. The world is not on your shoulders, but you do have a life to live and small choices to make that can make an impact on this world. Reflecting back on Mother Teresa's life we can see that she made an amazing difference in so many lives - even in the world - she didn't change the world, but she did make a difference. Mother Teresa actively gave of herself, day in and day out, she was hands on with people that needed her, and needed help. She is an example of Gods will for this world - and she was fully human, and imperfect, not a saint - she made some really great choices for her life, and lived out Gods will for her - imagine what our lives would be like if we did the same! How can you be an example of God to this world in need, this world hurting??
My church has started this group called 'The Theology Pub'. We are instructed to read a book, one that is assigned to us. For next month we need to read a book titled The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical. As I packed up my apartment I began listening to this book on audio, and found myself pondering about all that God wants to do with my life, and about what I can do to make a difference, to help start a revolution in this hurting world. I haven't finished the book, but so far - 6 chapters in - it is amazing. I am challenged and now I have a new perspective on how I should live this life. Ask yourself this, Who are you living for? For Yourself... For others... For God... who?
We all talk about how we wish for world peace, and how This should really be like That. So lets do it, start making small decisions to start a revolution for change, because if we all stepped in to make a difference a huge difference would be made. I am challenged to start walking my talk, and living this life making small choices with great love to make positive changes
"Most good things have been said far too many times and just need to be lived." — Shane Claiborne {Author of the book The Irresistible Revolution}.
Knowing this it blows my mind that people ask, "If there is a God why is there evil and why do bad things happen, why is our world filled with hurt?" and here is my simple answer - you can take it or leave it: "Because we, as a human race, have made bad choices. Our 'free-will' has corrupted the world. And people have chosen evil over good. Gods will is perfect and whole, and if he forced it on us then things would be 'Perfect', and there really would be world peace, this world would no longer know hurt like we know it now! But if we were to give up our free will to God then we would be like robots. I don't know about you, but personally I would rather be an individual who has a soul, and can make choices for myself, and be challenged as I face my life and the hardships that I face, and grow when I make mistakes. The choices that people have made and continue to make affect our world. God has been so gracious to give us the freedom and blessing of having a free will, so here it is, said by me, "God is not responsible for all of the hurt, all of the poverty, all of the bad that has happened here on earth. We, the people of this world - The Human Race, are the ones responsible for the messes that we have created as individuals. Don't blame God for the bad choices that people have made or even the choices that you yourself have made, because he isn't responsible for those choices."
So, I challenge you to think about this: How can you make good decisions for the world, how can you make a difference and help, what can you do to help end poverty, what can you do to help end hurt?
Mother Teresa said: "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." So I challenge you to do just that. The world is not on your shoulders, but you do have a life to live and small choices to make that can make an impact on this world. Reflecting back on Mother Teresa's life we can see that she made an amazing difference in so many lives - even in the world - she didn't change the world, but she did make a difference. Mother Teresa actively gave of herself, day in and day out, she was hands on with people that needed her, and needed help. She is an example of Gods will for this world - and she was fully human, and imperfect, not a saint - she made some really great choices for her life, and lived out Gods will for her - imagine what our lives would be like if we did the same! How can you be an example of God to this world in need, this world hurting??
My church has started this group called 'The Theology Pub'. We are instructed to read a book, one that is assigned to us. For next month we need to read a book titled The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical. As I packed up my apartment I began listening to this book on audio, and found myself pondering about all that God wants to do with my life, and about what I can do to make a difference, to help start a revolution in this hurting world. I haven't finished the book, but so far - 6 chapters in - it is amazing. I am challenged and now I have a new perspective on how I should live this life. Ask yourself this, Who are you living for? For Yourself... For others... For God... who?
We all talk about how we wish for world peace, and how This should really be like That. So lets do it, start making small decisions to start a revolution for change, because if we all stepped in to make a difference a huge difference would be made. I am challenged to start walking my talk, and living this life making small choices with great love to make positive changes
"Most good things have been said far too many times and just need to be lived." — Shane Claiborne {Author of the book The Irresistible Revolution}.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
James is my favortie book in the Bible
James 1:19 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. 20 Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. 21 So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.
I aspire to live righteously and I pray this over my life continually. I want to be that person, the one who is sharing and kind, caring and compassionate, slow to anger, and rich in Love. I want to be the one who has open arms to those that need a shoulder to cry on or a home to stay in. God is working in me, but it is a slow process, and it is work on my part because I am only human, as we all are.
I aspire to live righteously and I pray this over my life continually. I want to be that person, the one who is sharing and kind, caring and compassionate, slow to anger, and rich in Love. I want to be the one who has open arms to those that need a shoulder to cry on or a home to stay in. God is working in me, but it is a slow process, and it is work on my part because I am only human, as we all are.
Monday, May 4, 2009
It was rough last week
but I am choosing to move forward with a smile on my face! and with contentment in my heart knowing that God is in this... I have been praying often over these past few days, and God has given me peace.
It seems as though our family has been facing a lot of trials recently but I can see how we are all growing through it all.
Now that my time will be more limited with Madi I am consciously taking in all of our precious time together. Watching her grow has been amazing, and the age that she is at right now is so much fun!
We had a great weekend! Seeing her grin, giggle and tottle around was so much fun. We had a lot of laughs and good times. Going to Chuckee Cheese for Coles 9th birthday, it was madis first time there. Shopping at Mall Of America with Mom and Albert was great to, getting Albert ready for prom :)
I am really appreciated all of these great little moments!
"Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away."
It seems as though our family has been facing a lot of trials recently but I can see how we are all growing through it all.
Now that my time will be more limited with Madi I am consciously taking in all of our precious time together. Watching her grow has been amazing, and the age that she is at right now is so much fun!
We had a great weekend! Seeing her grin, giggle and tottle around was so much fun. We had a lot of laughs and good times. Going to Chuckee Cheese for Coles 9th birthday, it was madis first time there. Shopping at Mall Of America with Mom and Albert was great to, getting Albert ready for prom :)
I am really appreciated all of these great little moments!
"Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away."
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Your outlook determines your LIFE
'It is so often true that whether a person carries with him an atmosphere of gloom and depression or one of confidence and courage depends on his individual outlook.' James Keller
Okay so maybe I go a little overboard when it comes to boundaries. I am "Zealous" is what they would say, but I am okay with it, because I would rather be zealous than naive!
But seriously, you know when you meet those people who are constantly dwelling on the negative and have a poor outlook on life in general... Well isn't it frustrating? It is for me! I just want to say to them, "why are you choosing to feel this way!?" all too often they don't realize that they themselves are choosing the life of gloom and doom for themselves, and it is so crippling. I am all to familiar with this because I myself am guilty of doing this...
I am being reminded right now as I watch my sisters family face a tragedy. The tragedy of the loss of a Fathers/Husbands ability to walk. They are also facing the loss of a home, loss of careers, and welcoming 2 more little ones to be additions in their lives; the lives that are filled with the unknown and that of instability. BUT they have such positive attitudes, and outlooks for their lives. They are looking forward with Faith, with Patience, and most of all: with Humble hearts, all the while not knowing what lies ahead of them. I am so proud of them for choosing to live in freedom, freedom from worry, Stress, and so many more negative emotions that could be suffocating their lives. Not to say that they are not overwhelmed at times, which I am sure they are. But they are choosing to focus on what is good. They are choosing to trust that God is in control. They are growing through this tragedy; growing closer to one another, to the Church, but most of all to our God, who is our strength, because without him we are truly weak. Their lives are going to change others lives, and will truly portray what an awesome God we serve, I am excited!! So extremely excited to see what God has in store for them, because I just know that it is going to be something great!
Please continue to pray for them!!
And Just remember when you feel like you have hit rock bottom, someone Else's' rock is lower than yours, so be thankful for what you have and remember that Your Life Is What You Make Of It!! Choose to keep a positive outlook and keep looking upward for the strength that God provides!
"I try to avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward." ~Charlotte Bronte
Okay so maybe I go a little overboard when it comes to boundaries. I am "Zealous" is what they would say, but I am okay with it, because I would rather be zealous than naive!
But seriously, you know when you meet those people who are constantly dwelling on the negative and have a poor outlook on life in general... Well isn't it frustrating? It is for me! I just want to say to them, "why are you choosing to feel this way!?" all too often they don't realize that they themselves are choosing the life of gloom and doom for themselves, and it is so crippling. I am all to familiar with this because I myself am guilty of doing this...
I am being reminded right now as I watch my sisters family face a tragedy. The tragedy of the loss of a Fathers/Husbands ability to walk. They are also facing the loss of a home, loss of careers, and welcoming 2 more little ones to be additions in their lives; the lives that are filled with the unknown and that of instability. BUT they have such positive attitudes, and outlooks for their lives. They are looking forward with Faith, with Patience, and most of all: with Humble hearts, all the while not knowing what lies ahead of them. I am so proud of them for choosing to live in freedom, freedom from worry, Stress, and so many more negative emotions that could be suffocating their lives. Not to say that they are not overwhelmed at times, which I am sure they are. But they are choosing to focus on what is good. They are choosing to trust that God is in control. They are growing through this tragedy; growing closer to one another, to the Church, but most of all to our God, who is our strength, because without him we are truly weak. Their lives are going to change others lives, and will truly portray what an awesome God we serve, I am excited!! So extremely excited to see what God has in store for them, because I just know that it is going to be something great!
Please continue to pray for them!!
And Just remember when you feel like you have hit rock bottom, someone Else's' rock is lower than yours, so be thankful for what you have and remember that Your Life Is What You Make Of It!! Choose to keep a positive outlook and keep looking upward for the strength that God provides!
"I try to avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward." ~Charlotte Bronte
Friday, March 6, 2009
Life is Beautiful
I am 1 in 6,706,993,152
I am a doting Mother
I am compassionate
and Creative
I love the smell of rain
I love feeling the heat that radiates from the sun
I love when the wind blows
through my hair
I admire a 3 year olds opinion
I admire watching my daughter sleep
I admire the beauty this world holds
I see people hurting people
I see Gods glory thoughout my life
I see a world filled with possibility
I find beauty in the small things
I find that my life is just begining
I find an amazing love from my friends
This life amazes me
This life has so much to offer
This life is Beautiful
we all have a story. What is yours?
link to THIS fabulous site and read about a few experiences of those individuals that we walk by every day
I am a doting Mother
I am compassionate
and Creative
I love the smell of rain
I love feeling the heat that radiates from the sun
I love when the wind blows
through my hair
I admire a 3 year olds opinion
I admire watching my daughter sleep
I admire the beauty this world holds
I see people hurting people
I see Gods glory thoughout my life
I see a world filled with possibility
I find beauty in the small things
I find that my life is just begining
I find an amazing love from my friends
This life amazes me
This life has so much to offer
This life is Beautiful
we all have a story. What is yours?
link to THIS fabulous site and read about a few experiences of those individuals that we walk by every day
Saturday, February 14, 2009
My Life is WHAT I make it
how freeing is that!?
It feels great to know that I have choices, and my choices depict my life and what it is going to look like.
I Choose to live a happy and joyful life :)
having fabulous friends help out.
Naomi and I are spending V Day together, she is fabulous! Here is a video of Naomi singing Philo, a song she wrote! Check it out:
It feels great to know that I have choices, and my choices depict my life and what it is going to look like.
I Choose to live a happy and joyful life :)
having fabulous friends help out.
Naomi and I are spending V Day together, she is fabulous! Here is a video of Naomi singing Philo, a song she wrote! Check it out:
Friday, February 13, 2009
100th Post
Can you believe that I made it to 100 posts on my blog already, wow!! I know, it is because I post pretty much everyday, if not a couple times a day... but what can I say, I love blogging!
I just want to say thanks to everyone who has stood by me through all of the ups and downs over the past 100 posts, it really has meant the world to me.
I was inspired by a fellow blogger, Tara, to do something special for my 100th post. I am not sure If I will be able to capture it as well as the original author, Tara, did with her Autobiography in 100 words, but I am going to try.
I just want to say thanks to everyone who has stood by me through all of the ups and downs over the past 100 posts, it really has meant the world to me.
I was inspired by a fellow blogger, Tara, to do something special for my 100th post. I am not sure If I will be able to capture it as well as the original author, Tara, did with her Autobiography in 100 words, but I am going to try.
Rebecca's 100 Word Autobiography
Unplanned pregnancy, Mom wanted me.
Loving Grandparents. Tumultuous times.
Addicted Father, passive Mother.
Mom remarried - Drug addicted Stepfather.
Drug raid, Foster home, Mother in jail.
Life spiraled downward. Hardships galore.
Instability. I Attempted perfection, wanted control.
Mom finally left him.
We were free.
Mother depressed.
Light appeared, Jesus - Glimmer of hope.
Moved to Minnesota. Alone. Depressed.
Found guy. Wanted Stability. Very abusive…finally left.
Broken. Hurt. Rebounded, met another Man. Married. Turned from God again.
Felt imprisoned.
Pregnancy. Struggle. Had a BEAUTIFUL BABY!
Cancer discovered. Marriage failing. Ultimatum, then Divorce.
Starting over, Serving Jesus… Taking one step at a time.
whew, that was tough. But again, therapeutic!
The power of words are amazing.
There is so much more to it than just that, but seriously, 100 words... That is tough, with so much to say. It seems so dark, but yet there have been so many amazing God stories along the way, I have a feeling though that now that I am whole heartedly serving God the rest will all be uphill :) My parents are both amazing, and they have their own story to tell, they are both serving God now, and I have a fabulous relationship with them both...
Like I always say a wonderful family, fabulous friends, and a very supportive Church! I am one blessed girl!
God has been amazing through it all. I am Loved, and I am happy. He has been there every step of the way, and although more often than not I turned to my own understanding, he has stood there, arms open wide, waiting for me to run into his embrace. Now here I am in the arms of my father, and so much healing is taking place, it amazes me! I have learned so much about who I am in these last few months, I feel great, and happy, and I am single and okay, for the first time. No more looking to a guy for stability, now I am looking to God!
God has been amazing through it all. I am Loved, and I am happy. He has been there every step of the way, and although more often than not I turned to my own understanding, he has stood there, arms open wide, waiting for me to run into his embrace. Now here I am in the arms of my father, and so much healing is taking place, it amazes me! I have learned so much about who I am in these last few months, I feel great, and happy, and I am single and okay, for the first time. No more looking to a guy for stability, now I am looking to God!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Aspiring to live this life
Aspire to Inspire….Before You Expire.
Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.
And leave the rest to God.
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Growing,
But Only God keeps You Going...
Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.
And leave the rest to God.
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Growing,
But Only God keeps You Going...
Thursday, January 29, 2009
25 things about Moi...
The infamous facebook note --I had to post it on my blog because of course it is all about... Moi!
1. One thing that I am working on at the momment is my aggressive driving, I am trying to be kinder to people on the road, which is funny because I am typically a compliant person.
2. My favorite colors are Red and Pink, I am such a girl, I know!
3. I have a huge crush on Kevin James, I would probably marry him if he proposed.
4. Titanic is still one of my favorite movies.
5. I am Compassionate. Chances are that if you are reading this, I love you.
6. I hate being called 'Religious'. Truth is that I am not religious,I have a relationship with God, and that doesn't mean I am 'religious'!
7. I have a new found love for purses and bags.
8. I live in an apartment, alone, for the first time in my 23+ years of life.
9. When I was a little girl I used to bite my fingernails. My grandma offered to buy me a gold ring if I quit. So, I did. She bought me a ring, and I haven't bitten them ever since.
10. I do not drink soda, I think it tastes gross. Actually the only things that I do drink are water and on rare occassion a beer or glass of wine. Caffine makes me sick to my stomach!
11. There are 18 stoplights on my way to work every morning. Welcome to urbanization!
12. I have slight Scoliosis with a 25% curvature in my spine.
13. When I was younger I was in gymnastics for a couple years, I can still do the splits, and that is probably about it.
14. Shopping is my drug of choice, it is the only drug that I have ever used...LOL...seriously. And it is also another thing that I am working on!
15. I have lived in three states: Nevada, California, and Minnesota.
16. I am OCD and anal about everything pretty much, and according to Pete my pastor I am 'High Maintenance' Thanks Pete for being honest ;).
17. I am not a huge animal fan, I hope to never have an animal living in my home ever again.
18. I have been told by more than one person that I am too forgiving, but I don't think that there is such a thing as being too forgiving.
19. I am always tired regardless if I have gotten enough sleep or not.
20. I love to clean, it makes me very happy.
21. If I could help it, I would never be alone, I always like to be in someones company.
22. If I could I would make it so that every single day of the year was 80 degrees and sunny, I promise I wouldn't even dream of snow!
23. My dream job is to be a stay at home mom with a small online shop of some sort.
24. My ears have been pierced since I was an infant.
25. Believe it or not the only music I listen to is Christian, unless I am in someone Else's car or home or what have you...
1. One thing that I am working on at the momment is my aggressive driving, I am trying to be kinder to people on the road, which is funny because I am typically a compliant person.
2. My favorite colors are Red and Pink, I am such a girl, I know!
3. I have a huge crush on Kevin James, I would probably marry him if he proposed.
4. Titanic is still one of my favorite movies.
5. I am Compassionate. Chances are that if you are reading this, I love you.
6. I hate being called 'Religious'. Truth is that I am not religious,I have a relationship with God, and that doesn't mean I am 'religious'!
7. I have a new found love for purses and bags.
8. I live in an apartment, alone, for the first time in my 23+ years of life.
9. When I was a little girl I used to bite my fingernails. My grandma offered to buy me a gold ring if I quit. So, I did. She bought me a ring, and I haven't bitten them ever since.
10. I do not drink soda, I think it tastes gross. Actually the only things that I do drink are water and on rare occassion a beer or glass of wine. Caffine makes me sick to my stomach!
11. There are 18 stoplights on my way to work every morning. Welcome to urbanization!
12. I have slight Scoliosis with a 25% curvature in my spine.
13. When I was younger I was in gymnastics for a couple years, I can still do the splits, and that is probably about it.
14. Shopping is my drug of choice, it is the only drug that I have ever used...LOL...seriously. And it is also another thing that I am working on!
15. I have lived in three states: Nevada, California, and Minnesota.
16. I am OCD and anal about everything pretty much, and according to Pete my pastor I am 'High Maintenance' Thanks Pete for being honest ;).
17. I am not a huge animal fan, I hope to never have an animal living in my home ever again.
18. I have been told by more than one person that I am too forgiving, but I don't think that there is such a thing as being too forgiving.
19. I am always tired regardless if I have gotten enough sleep or not.
20. I love to clean, it makes me very happy.
21. If I could help it, I would never be alone, I always like to be in someones company.
22. If I could I would make it so that every single day of the year was 80 degrees and sunny, I promise I wouldn't even dream of snow!
23. My dream job is to be a stay at home mom with a small online shop of some sort.
24. My ears have been pierced since I was an infant.
25. Believe it or not the only music I listen to is Christian, unless I am in someone Else's car or home or what have you...
Monday, November 10, 2008
What has life come to??
This is how I feel, and I am sorta sad about it! I do feel as though I am on the computer 40+ hours a week which is sad. I really want to be doing other things too like growing in relationship, investing in my daughter, Serving God and his people. I feel like I need to sit down and really focus on what I 'want and need' in life. I think that it is time to re-prioritize things! Just think if 50 years ago someone was shown this exact picture and it was labeled 'This is what the future will look like' I am sure that they wouldn't look forward to the future. It really doesn't look that appealing, starring at a box all day. How many hours do you spend in front of the computer? I am not saying that the computer is all bad, actually I really think that it is great, but in moderation... just like cake is great in moderation : )
Monday, November 3, 2008
Tumultuous times
are hopefully going to be behind me soon. 2 more days and I am going to be moving into my new place... and I am really getting excited! Yesterday I was noticing how many bruises I have on my legs from all of the hauling of things to and from my car, Including hauling Madi.
Last Thursday I moved from Alyshia's place (because they were moving out of their apt) to Jenny's place. Jenny has been so sweet, she even gave Madi and I her bed! She has a one bedroom apartment in West Saint Paul. So, I really feel as though I have overcome her space with all of my odds and ends of things that I have. Considering nothing is really organized, it looks like I have brought a huge mess of things into her place. It is great to have such supportive Friends!
This weekend was a crazy busy one with costumes, pictures, a baby shower, a wedding shower, packing, and what seemed like so much more! I am amazed at how much I can fit into a weekend. As usual I am tired today, but it is my own fault today! No one can deny that I am a busy person who likes to be on the go (and loves to be social). I am still not feeling very well. I don't know if the flu is just lingering from last week or what but I am really fatigued and was having some stomach/gastrointestinal issues what seemed like all weekend!
We got Madi's 6 month pictures done, although she will be seven months old on the 10th. CT Ryan Studios was just really busy considering it is fall wedding season. I cannot wait to post some of them, it seemed like they are really going to be cute (I will probably get them in about a week or so). She was an adorable little lady bug for Halloween. Dan and I took her to the Harvest Party at church. It was a great time, probably more so for us than for her, LOL. Dan and I are really getting along well and we have been working as a team with Madi, it has been great. We did both her pictures and the harvest party together, as well as packing up the house together, it is definitely an answer to prayer!
As for living my life I pray that this continues to ring true 'For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.' 2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT) . Reading this I know that I am a work in progress. Fully achieving those characteristics seems like it will take an eternity. I am content knowing that God is on my side, and that my heart really desires righteousness.
Last Thursday I moved from Alyshia's place (because they were moving out of their apt) to Jenny's place. Jenny has been so sweet, she even gave Madi and I her bed! She has a one bedroom apartment in West Saint Paul. So, I really feel as though I have overcome her space with all of my odds and ends of things that I have. Considering nothing is really organized, it looks like I have brought a huge mess of things into her place. It is great to have such supportive Friends!
This weekend was a crazy busy one with costumes, pictures, a baby shower, a wedding shower, packing, and what seemed like so much more! I am amazed at how much I can fit into a weekend. As usual I am tired today, but it is my own fault today! No one can deny that I am a busy person who likes to be on the go (and loves to be social). I am still not feeling very well. I don't know if the flu is just lingering from last week or what but I am really fatigued and was having some stomach/gastrointestinal issues what seemed like all weekend!
We got Madi's 6 month pictures done, although she will be seven months old on the 10th. CT Ryan Studios was just really busy considering it is fall wedding season. I cannot wait to post some of them, it seemed like they are really going to be cute (I will probably get them in about a week or so). She was an adorable little lady bug for Halloween. Dan and I took her to the Harvest Party at church. It was a great time, probably more so for us than for her, LOL. Dan and I are really getting along well and we have been working as a team with Madi, it has been great. We did both her pictures and the harvest party together, as well as packing up the house together, it is definitely an answer to prayer!
As for living my life I pray that this continues to ring true 'For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.' 2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT) . Reading this I know that I am a work in progress. Fully achieving those characteristics seems like it will take an eternity. I am content knowing that God is on my side, and that my heart really desires righteousness.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Some days are hard and some are a breeze
Now that I am on fluoxetene the majority of my days seem to be like a breeze blowing by... Although days like yesterday, where there is conflict, all I want to do is rip all of my hair out! LOL, not seriously, but I guess maybe metaphorically.
Relationships sometimes seem impossible! I find myself dreading any form of confrontation. And it seems that all day yesterday what happened in a couple of my relationships, was confrontation. Naturally I want to respond with defending myself, and/or giving an explanation for the situation at hand. But then I am reminded (after the fact, of course) that only someone who is guilty needs defense! So why, when people are not guilty, do they feel the need to defend themselves?? I think that it is because we are trying to please them, which is taking responsibility for them. I have discovered over the past few months that I all too often am taking responsibility for everyone else but me! Horrible, I know. I blame everyone else for my feelings of inadequacy, or even for some behaviors that are not all that great, when in reality I need to be responsible for them myself.
Do you ever find yourself wanting to change someones mood, attitude, opinion of you... and so on? Well, I do. But, I know that it is not healthy. When we are doing that we are trying to take responsibility for that person. I am learning that we are not responsible for anyone but ourselves. We need to be responsible to everyone (like telling them the truth in love) but we are never responsible for anyone! I know that it may sound complicated, but it really made a lot of sense once I grasped it, and it is life changing and freeing!
"Learning how to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to own yourself, of learning to respect yourself, of learning to love yourself. If you never have to set a boundary, then you will never get in touch with who you really are - will never learn to define yourself in a healthy way.
No one deserves to be treated abusively. No one deserves to be lied to and betrayed.
We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If you do not respect yourself, if you do not start awakening to your right to be treated with respect and dignity (and your responsibility in creating that in your life) - then you will be more comfortable being involved with people who abuse you then with people who treat you in loving ways.
Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love yourself, and to communicating to other's that you have worth."
I am convicted, because all too often I try to do what people want me to do. I try to please them by acting a certain way or saying a certain thing aka 'People Pleaser'! Doesn't that seem hard! Well, it is. Sometimes I don't know who I am... I think that that goes hand in hand with trying to do everything that everyone wants me to do. Being wishy-washy is never a good thing, it isn't fair to yourselves or those around you. Like I said previously, you can NEVER have a healthy relationship with someone who cannot define themselves as being their own person. It sort of reminds me of some people who don't have physical boundaries who are in your face and stepping all over your toes, which is not a very pretty picture.
So, maybe I am a little over analytical when all is said and done. Sometimes I just feel like life takes a little more effort than what we as people put forth. Typically we just do what we were taught, the same things that our parents did. In my case that is not the life that I want, my Mom doesn't want that life for me either. She lived her life never standing up for herself or respecting her wishes and desires. Now she does, she is sooo much healthier now. And now that she is older and has dealt with many issues from her past. She now truly knows who she is, and what she wants in life and she is happy and has healthy relationships!
I have said it before and I will say it again, I need to live more consciously! I also need to remember that life is not a piece of cake. All of my hardships are not over, I will continue to face challenging things in life. But I need to do it with joy (easier said than done, trust me, I know).
"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 NLT
"...And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another even as God in Christ forgave you." - Ephesians 4:32
Relationships sometimes seem impossible! I find myself dreading any form of confrontation. And it seems that all day yesterday what happened in a couple of my relationships, was confrontation. Naturally I want to respond with defending myself, and/or giving an explanation for the situation at hand. But then I am reminded (after the fact, of course) that only someone who is guilty needs defense! So why, when people are not guilty, do they feel the need to defend themselves?? I think that it is because we are trying to please them, which is taking responsibility for them. I have discovered over the past few months that I all too often am taking responsibility for everyone else but me! Horrible, I know. I blame everyone else for my feelings of inadequacy, or even for some behaviors that are not all that great, when in reality I need to be responsible for them myself.
Do you ever find yourself wanting to change someones mood, attitude, opinion of you... and so on? Well, I do. But, I know that it is not healthy. When we are doing that we are trying to take responsibility for that person. I am learning that we are not responsible for anyone but ourselves. We need to be responsible to everyone (like telling them the truth in love) but we are never responsible for anyone! I know that it may sound complicated, but it really made a lot of sense once I grasped it, and it is life changing and freeing!
"Learning how to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to own yourself, of learning to respect yourself, of learning to love yourself. If you never have to set a boundary, then you will never get in touch with who you really are - will never learn to define yourself in a healthy way.
No one deserves to be treated abusively. No one deserves to be lied to and betrayed.
We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If you do not respect yourself, if you do not start awakening to your right to be treated with respect and dignity (and your responsibility in creating that in your life) - then you will be more comfortable being involved with people who abuse you then with people who treat you in loving ways.
Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love yourself, and to communicating to other's that you have worth."
I am convicted, because all too often I try to do what people want me to do. I try to please them by acting a certain way or saying a certain thing aka 'People Pleaser'! Doesn't that seem hard! Well, it is. Sometimes I don't know who I am... I think that that goes hand in hand with trying to do everything that everyone wants me to do. Being wishy-washy is never a good thing, it isn't fair to yourselves or those around you. Like I said previously, you can NEVER have a healthy relationship with someone who cannot define themselves as being their own person. It sort of reminds me of some people who don't have physical boundaries who are in your face and stepping all over your toes, which is not a very pretty picture.
So, maybe I am a little over analytical when all is said and done. Sometimes I just feel like life takes a little more effort than what we as people put forth. Typically we just do what we were taught, the same things that our parents did. In my case that is not the life that I want, my Mom doesn't want that life for me either. She lived her life never standing up for herself or respecting her wishes and desires. Now she does, she is sooo much healthier now. And now that she is older and has dealt with many issues from her past. She now truly knows who she is, and what she wants in life and she is happy and has healthy relationships!
I have said it before and I will say it again, I need to live more consciously! I also need to remember that life is not a piece of cake. All of my hardships are not over, I will continue to face challenging things in life. But I need to do it with joy (easier said than done, trust me, I know).
"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 NLT
"...And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another even as God in Christ forgave you." - Ephesians 4:32
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