Overwhelmed

Thinking about everything right now is so overwhelming.

Court did not go near as well as I had anticipated, looking back I am reminded that expectations are never good, because you are setting yourself up for disappointment or failure. I think that more than anything I was disappointed in the judge. He hadn't even read our file before we presented our case (which for those of you who are unfamiliar with this kind of thing, it was not a good thing, we had to present to him the whole case. He really needed to read our affidavits to get all of the detail prior to our presentation). I will be speaking to my lawyer today though, to go over some things in regards to the case. A couple issues came up in court in regards to finances that I feel were completely unexpected, so I am concerned.

I was so exhausted after court [which Dan was more than 30 minutes late to, by the way. I thought for sure he was not going to show...] So, I took a nap once I got home, and I had horrible nightmares about losing Madi. It was devastating and for the first time, since I was young, I was pretty distraught when I woke up, I felt so overwhelmed and scared! The worst part was that she was with Dan, and I couldn't hold my baby... I am finding myself missing her more and more everyday, even when I have her!

Immediately I decided that with everything in me I am going to try and give this whole situation to God. Worrying is not going to help Madi or me one bit! I know that he is sovereign and that no matter what happens he will be by my side in support of me, which is so reassuring to know.
We have yet to hear the ruling from this Temporary hearing, so please, continue to pray that Gods will would be done.

Not only am I overwhelmed with grief and sorrow during this time but I am also overwhelmed with Gods love. Although, I am facing some tough times, I can see Gods hand in it all. I am sooo blessed by every ones prayers, their love, and their Support and concern. It feels me with great joy to know that both Madi and I are so loved by everyone that we are surrounded by!

Romans 8:37-38
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.

ps on a very positive note, my mouth is feeling much better :)

*sigh*

So, I haven't taken my fluoxetine (antidepressant) since last Saturday. I felt like I was doing okay without it, which I thought would be great! Dan often comments on how I am medicated... Not that I take it that personal or anything, but I would like not to have to be dependant on anything.

Today it is really hitting me, I feel down again, not like I want to hurt myself or anything severe like that. I don't know, I guess that it seems too complicated to explain how I feel. I do know that I felt A LOT better while taking it!

I am just curious to know though, are antidepressants a cop out? Are the issues being dealt with by the medication or is the fluoxetine like a band aid, only covering up the wounds?? If that is the case, I would much rather deal with the issues rather than cover them with medication...

Although it is tough living in this state of mind. I am by no means severely depressed or anything. I don't know there is just a negative-ness that lingers over my mind and thoughts.

I am tired, and I am not happy with where things are in my life. I know that God calls us to be content where we are, but I don't feel content! I am not happy with so many aspects of my life right now, sometimes I dread waking up! What should I do? I feel like sometimes I know the answers to my own questions, and I feel good about where things are... then there are times where I feel a little overwhelmed. I am just not sure what to do with these feelings, or where to go from here. Too bad I didn't have boundaries every night! Bev, our boundaries leader, always seems to have great insight into things.

I need to remember this-
1 Timothy 6:
6 Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. 7 After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. 8 So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.

I again am convicted, I have enough food and clothing... why do I long for more! I feel my selfish human nature consuming me!