Dancing in the rain

As life would have it no other way - we have to face trials every now and again... Sometimes things are seeming to go great and then unexpectedly a huge storm rolls in, and you are unprepared with no umbrella in hand.

I must live in Seattle or something because the storms come often it seems, sometimes they are only small, sprinkles here and there, but sometimes they seem never ending like huge storms that seem to take forever to pass, and pound on my soul. At that point I am just waiting for the sun to return again.

Then I feel as though I am lacking and that I need some sunshine in my life... but then something always seems to remind me of all those things that bring light into my life. My Daughter, who is the sun itself to my life, she is amazing... as well as so many other things that I have been blessed with: God, My Mom, Adam, My fabulous church that is filled with people who love me, friends, good times, great places, and fun things... I can go on and on... I am going to try to remind myself that I am allowed to dance in the rain, and sometimes that is the funnest way to dance, is through the storm.

Keeping my head up, my face toward the sky, and letting the rain fall down on my face, it is refreshing... renewing... and I am learning through it all.

Opportunity for Joy?

James 1: 2 Dear brothers and sisters,[a] when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

I have to hold onto these words very tightly. I remember as a teenager when I felt down and out, God continually brought this passage to my mind. I am reminded again, and it gives me hope. As I am going through a divorce, becoming a single Mom, and completely relying on myself, I feel overwhelmed at times... but I am reminded of this verse, it is my 'Life Verse' that I have always held close.

I have discovered another area of growth that I have been running from for quite some time! As I joined the Crown Financial Course I knew that I would be facing one of my biggest fears: Finances.

Finances are extremely tight. Jill, an amazingly talented woman at church, came over last night and helped me create a fabulous spending plan (budget). She leads the course and has an amazing life story in regards to how God has blessed her financially. Her methods are great, my income... not so great. So, needless to say, I am on a VERY tight budget. I was only able to fit in $40 for diapers a month, which if I was to be realistic it is really about $60 worth of diapers that Madi uses a month. I will have to dip into my Misc/Entertainment fund for the extra diaper cost (which is budgeted at $25 a week).

This is going to be a huge learning process... $25 a week?! That is ALL I get to do with what I want - my Misc/Entertainment fund - everything else goes to bills and neccessities. My income does not cover my debt, so we are going to see about contacting my debtors to negotiate. I am already behind on quite a few things.

Sometimes consequences are not very fun, but as I always say 'Consequences are our best friends' because I will learn from them, and hopefully not make bad financial decisions like these again.

I have been living very frivolously for my income, using my credit Cards to pay for all of my neccessities, not facing the reality of my financial situation. I have decided to cut them all up! It will be hard, but I know that I will survive without them, things just may be a little tough.

I am struggling, it has been somewhat of a rollercoaster. But I am pushing through. I am going to face this battle with God by my side, cheering me on.

Please say a prayer for me as I embark this new journey.

I was encouraged today when I happened upon this blog. It just so happened to be the Blog Of Note today(Click HERE to link to it).
All things are possible!


Looking back at the 100 some odd posts, I am feeling good about where I am. I feel more stable spiritually and emotionally than when I first began blogging. I am even feeling better health wise. The low dose of steroids that I have been on have really helped boost my immune system, it seems as though that is really doing the trick. Things are deffinetly looking up, I am going in a postive direction and it feels wonderful.

Should I Forgive?

Acid destroys first the vessel in which it is contained... a forgiving heart makes for a happy person! I am glad that I am a forgiving person, I am much happier for it, and honestly I have no idea where I would be today if I hadn't forgave those who have hurt me.

The real question should be, 'Is it worth it not to forgive?'

“Vengeance is having a videotape planted in your soul that cannot be turned off. It plays the painful scene over and over again inside your mind... And each time it plays you feel the clap of pain again... Forgiving turns off the videotape of pained memory. Forgiving sets you free.”
Lewis B. Smedes

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”
Lewis B. Smedes

Plans for good

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29:11

I have faith that my God is going to give me the best life that I can possibly have! Often I turn to fear instead of faith and make mistakes not following his plans for my life. So that is why I am where I am. Right now I am facing consequences of choices that I made out of fear, and sheer disobedience to what I knew God wanted for me.

So now I have started the journey of giving all of myself back to him. It is hard, and I struggle, but I know that I am where I am supposed to be. I am a work in progress. And I can't take credit for anything, I give it all to him, who saves me from myself and saves me from all of the wrong decisions that I have made.

I look forward to following the plans that you have for me God. I cannot wait to see what is in store for my life, I am eager to grow into living more and more fully for you. I have hope for a fabulous future, in you.

My Money Counts!

Money will buy:
A bed but not sleep;
Books but not brains;
Food but not an appetite;
A house but not a home;
Medicine but not health;
Amusement but not happiness;
A crucifix but not a savior.

I have joined a class called Crown Financial. As part of the curriculum I read a book titled, 'Your Money Counts' by Howard Dayton. It is simple, yet simply amazing! My eyes have been opened and as of today I am choosing to make some better decisions in my financial life.

I look forward as I start my journey along this rough path... I am in a tough place right now financially because of my previous irresponsible decisions, and today I have decided to face them. I know that God will be by my side. What seemed impossible alone, is possible with his help!

Off to Crown Financial I go tonight... I am nervous and excited all at the same time to make these changes... No more credit card! that is soooo scary for me, but I know that God is sovereign and I am putting this all in his hands.

Please pray for me during this transition, this is a hard place for me to submit to God, sad I know, because it is only money!

www.faithminute.fm

This is a great way to spend a minute of each day! It gives you great perspective on life. I just love listening to it every morning on my way to work on KTIS, my radio station (ktis.fm)!

Here is a great clip from a couple of weeks ago, it is an example of what is broadcasted every day on KTIS:

'Broken relationships cause an amazing amount of pain in our lives. But when we’re completely honest about those broken relationships – even if the majority of the blame rests on someone else – we’re still responsible for the things we’ve done wrong. Guilt is a heavy burden to carry and the only hope for healing lies in forgiveness. We can’t control the behavior of others, but we can forgive them. God promises to forgive any sin that we genuinely confess to him, and it’s God’s forgiveness of us that enables us to forgive others. When we forgive, we relinquish any right to get even and reduce the power that the other person’s behavior has over us. Even if the other person refuses to forgive us, God’s forgiveness gives us hope, help and the power to forgive others.'

Doing this on a daily basis keeps me accountable for my actions, thoughts, and behaviors. If you want to grow emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, I would encourage you to spend some time (even if it is a minute) everyday reading or listening to the 'Truth'!

Anger

I learned last night that Emotions are a trigger... Anger, Sadness, excitement... They all tell you how you are feeling about a certain situation. So, in regards to that, I need to step back and take a look at my feelings. Why am I feeling frustrated?? I am going through a situation at the moment, I don't think that now is a good time to give any details, but I find myself becoming very angry and frustrated. At first I thought that I was in the wrong for feeling those emotions, so initially I stuffed them. Last night I had another Ah-Ha moment and discovered my problem!! Now I know that my feelings are telling me something, I am going to voice them so that they are heard, instead of resenting people who are involved.

Consider this
'Anger has a unique way of controlling our lives-even when we say we don't get angry. When uncontrolled anger erupts, it will be expressed either in an aggressive, hostile or toxic way or it will be expressed in a destructive passive way. We will express that anger outward toward other people or inward at ourselves. Expressed anger ranges from physical and verbal explosions to the more passive hurtful way like religion and sexual addictions, affairs in and out of the family, compulsivity, codependency and depression. If anger controls us, we will tend to be extreme when it erupts.
We have a right to disagree and be angry with someone we love. What we don't have a right to do is to be abusive or neglectful (passive-aggressive) when we express that anger. If we use silence and do not talk, we are abusive. If we explode, swear and rage, we are abusive. Neither extreme is healthy. Both are power. Both are a misuse of our power. Silence isn't golden; it's power. If you use silence you know how powerful it is. Proverbs 15:1 says: "A gentle answer [not silence] turns away wrath." For the rageaholic, Proverbs 15:1 says: "...but a harsh word stirs up anger." And Proverbs 19:19 says: "A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again." (NIV)
The lack of (or the crossing of our) boundaries is one of the significant reasons for anger to erupt. Boundary violations cause us to feel fear, hurt, shame and anger to only name a few negative emotions. I had a client who experienced it vividly. The husband was very excited about retiring. The day after his retirement he quickly pursued his interest in "helping his wife." So after breakfast he stayed in the kitchen and started to "organize" all the pots, pans, pantry, shelves, everything. When he completed the task he was all smiles and expected his wife to also be happy. However, she wasn't. He had crossed her boundary. His nephew came over after school that day, as they had planned, excited about going fishing with him. Immediately after being invited indoors his nephew was shown his "handiwork". He commented about his frustration and hurt that the nephew's aunt "was not pleased." The nephew quickly understood the problem and said, "Oh! I've forgot that I had a lot of homework and papers to do this week. I won't be able to go fishing for a few days." And he quickly left. For two more days the spouse didn't cook anything for her husband. Finally at 5 p.m. on the third day, he stepped into the kitchen and began "rearranging the kitchen to the best that he could remember" it being three days earlier. When he was about half through, his wife stepped into the kitchen and began making them supper.
Boundaries are sometimes clearly spoken and negotiated. However, we frequently cross boundaries because we "really didn't know" that a boundary existed, or we do something because we're "just trying to help", or we think that we can do it better and intentionally try to improve and "help". When someone has a boundary, either spoken or unspoken, we need to respect it. Furthermore, when someone says "No!" we have the responsibility and privilege to respect it.
"No!" is a complete sentence. (1) And "No" is an honest and desirous attempt to set a boundary, make a decision or a choice, or an attempt to be assertive. Sometimes a "No!" is quietly said or expressed; other times it might be firm. But even Christians need to understand that "No!" is a complete sentence. When we do, I believe that we will experience a less hostile and angry environment in our homes, businesses and churches.'
Bob Davidson, Director of Family Institute.

We all have our views about anger, typically people perceive it as being harsh, harmful and destructive, but it isn't necessarily that way (it can be but that is our choice), it is all about how we choose to express our anger. Anger is not a 'Bad' emotion, it is healthy and it helps us to work through issues that we have. When people stuff anger, like ME!, it tends to do a negative effect, it eventually comes out as explosive, which I am guilty of. I think that I have been trained to believe that anger is a bad thing, so I stuff it, and when it comes out it isn't pretty. So, I am learning to work through it as it comes that way it won't be destructive when it comes, instead it can be constructive!

What would I do without Boundaries? Where would I be? I am so thankful that God has put Bev in my life to speak the truth to me, and also be so loving and accepting of me through all of my bad choices!

Yes, maybe everyone is sick of this whole boundaries talk, but I LOVE it!

'Ah-Ha!' Moment

that is what I call an epiphany... And last night Jessica had one at boundaries!

I am not going to go into details about her situtaion at hand but I will give an example. Say you ask your sister to do you a favor, it will only take her a half an hour. She says 'No' for no particular reason and no excuse. And you think 'What!? Why... what is 30 minutes out of your day!?'. Her plain reason is 'I just don't want too'. Do you think that is rude? Personally, I think that most people would view their sister in this case and being mean, or atleast I know that typically that would be my initial reaction...

But, if you think about it this way : Is your 30 mintues more important than her 30 minutes? Is the favor that you are asking of her your responsibility or is it hers? All too often I think that we as people view our wants and needs as more important than everyone elses. Just like people on the road who have Road Rage. Why do we choose to get mad and want people out of our way on the road? Why do we cut them off with the excuse that we need to be somewhere and are running late, we blame them for being in our way? It is sad. Really it is, it all comes down to being responsible for ourselves. It isn't anyones fault but ours that we are running late, so don't blame them! All too often I blame other people for things that I am responsible for, but along with that I am all too often taking responsibility for everyone else as well.

I need to learn how to treat others and myself better, by taking responsibility for my own issues, mistakes and problems not blaming everyone else. I need to stop being a people pleaser, and stop taking responsibility for other peoples feelings. I need to discover who I am, not what other people want me to be.

I am discovering that I love the color red. I love to be spontaneous. I love having people at my house. I love to be social and go out with friends. In my relationship with Dan I chose not to do some of the things that I loved to try and please him. But I felt suffocated. I was suffocating myself, by trying to do what I thought would please him. Isn't that sad? I think that I used to blame him, but now I know full and well that I am to blame for allowing myself to make choices to do what I thought would make him happy, which in turn helped me to resent him.

I am learning the truth, deffinetly slowly, but surely. It is a hard process because there is breaking involved, but I know that it is a good thing. God is allowing me to break only to be built up with a better foundation, a new foundation that will be set in the truth and be set in his will for my life.

Romans 12:2 NLT
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Performance

It is great to know that I only have to perform for God. I don't have to perform for anyone else. Isn't that cool? It really takes all of the stress off of my shoulders knowing that God is technically the only person sitting in 'My Audience'. No one elses' opinions matter as long as God is pleased. Not to say that we should neglect others and their feelings but we are not responsible for trying to perform up to anyone elses' standards, only Gods. So I am trying to learn about who God has made me to be!

I know that I am significant, Safe and Secure, and that I belong. Sometimes I don't believe those truths but I am learning to be nicer to myself and treat myself better. It is so hard to form healthy habits by overcoming all of my bad habits that I have accumulated over the years! But I look forward to becoming the woman that God has made me to be, and watching my daughter develop and hopefully do the same, making better decisions than I did, along the way!

Speaking of babies, Aprils twins are due June 26th and 28th, can't wait to find out what they are... 13 more weeks and she will be 20 weeks along. She is hoping for 2 girls, which would be perfect considering Madi's wardrobe.

Prosthodontist

Cool title for a doctor who makes oral Prostheses! I went and saw him this morning... And to my relief he was much different from the resident that I had been seeing at the Mayo Clinic. Yes, I know that the Mayo is prestigious and all, but I never saw an actual doctor, the only people that I met with were residents (other than the day of surgery, the surgeon who performed the palatal removal, who I have not seen since).

I talked to Dr. Lund, my new prosthodontist, about that today. He apologized immensely for the 'Bad Politics' of big hospitals and/or clinics. He continuously shook his head in disappointment while he asked about all of my experiences (i.e. water, food, and anything else that went into my mouth coming out of my nose... among other things that I had to endure). But it is all behind me now, and I have a great doctor now who was extremely informative and thorough about everything that is going on with my mouth.

Some things are going to be changing, all of them for the good, but there may be some bad affects. My tissue is quite inflamed on my pallet (he said it is similar to gingivitis) due to my mouth piece staying in all the time (which was suggested by the Mao Prosthodontist). So I am going to start removing my mouth piece while I am sleeping at night. The only time I ever remove it is to clean my mouth, or brush my teeth. He said that the tissue will start to change shape and the hole may open a little more, allowing more liquid and food into the nasal canal. But, if that is the case I can call him right away and he will make adjustments to my mouth piece to prevent anything from entering my nose. He did say that the hole will never fully close, but it will probably get very small which is very manageable.

So, it was a great day meeting him. He made some much needed adjustments to my current mouth piece now, and we will wait for all the changes in my mouth to take place before we make a more permanent piece.

I will see him in another two weeks.

A little Convicted

Ecclesiastes 6:9 Says: "Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don’t have. Just dreaming about nice things is meaningless—like chasing the wind."
Wow! Now that is loaded with truth, isn't it?
If only I read my bible a little more... Maybe I could grow a little more, a little faster.