being transparent can be humbling

because who wants to tell someone that they are bleeding from their rear end or that they have a mucus cyst in their mouth, and that when it pops releases icky mucus and a lot of blood... well okay, maybe I don't really have that big of an issue telling people, it is more about how they are going to receive it, or react that is the hard part!

So it is a mucus cyst and we might have to remove it, I am going to feel it out for a few months, if it is something that is untolerable (which I think is going to be the case) they will remove it. It will be painful but after it is healed it will be much better and my mouth will feel much more comfortable! So we will see...

I need to start taking my Miralax again... then my bleeding issues should be fixed. Consequences are what teach me... Hopefully the fissures will heal sooner than later :)

removal??

Can a Cyst be removed? Because it is growing back, or at least I think that it is the cyst that is growing back... and of course I didn't notice it until it started hurting, maybe next time I will notice it before it becomes this tender (hopefully there won't be a next time). I will be going in on April 22nd, and I am sure that he will biopsy it again. I am going to discuss with him the possibility of removing it though, I am sick of having mouth pain...
Wow, and I discovered that my Doc wrote a text book on PDT, pretty smart guy, he is really nice too :)

not feeling so hot

I am sick, yet again. Although I was on quite the healthy spree, I haven't been sick for quite some time. But apparently when it hits me, it hits me with a vengeance! Everything is backed up: laundry, dishes, finances, and basically the whole house is a mess. I am exhausted, very fatigued, dizzy, lightheaded, faint, head achy, and have a sinus infection. I am pretty much a train wreck.

So I am sorry I haven't posted, but I haven't had the energy. Once I am feeling better I will be back to my normal self, posting away. But life is way too much work right now to take the time to blog.

Much Love to you all!
Becca

Support SPOHNC!

Although Oral, Head, and Neck cancers only constitute for 5% of diagnosed cancers in the US, there are still 400,000 survivors currently living in the united states that need support. Many are left with life altering issues that affect so many different aspects of life; Here are some examples, just to name a few: eating, speaking, breathing, talking, and smelling.

I consider myself a survivor, and although I have a wonderful support network filled with so many loving people who have given me more than needed support, it is still great to have people's support whom I know have walked in my shoes!

Please visit this website www.spohnc.org and do something to support their cause It doesn't have to be financial support, but I am all for bringing awareness to those around me of the people whose lives are drastically affected by Cancer.

Thanks for your support!
If you want to learn more click HERE

these are the wristbands that can be purchased on spohnc.org, these are the official colors. (Oral Squamous Cell Carcinoma = Three stripes - Ivory, Burgundy, Ivory)

Can You Say...

BENIGN!? Well, I can... The growth was a cyst, the doctor said, 'No Cancer was detected'.
Needless to say I was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief, and now I have a smile planted on my face, and I am thanking God with everything in me!!

Yay, I have an awesome God!

Biopsy

Here is a picture of the recent growth, before the biopsy. The weirdest thing happened though, two nights ago it partially popped and blood came oozing out... but the same EXACT thing happened to the tumor last year, the one that was cancerous.

The doctor thinks that it may be a cyst, which I am praying is the case. We will find out the results within a week. Thanks for all of the prayers. They are much appreciated.

It is tender in there but relatively speaking considering this is what it looked like about 6 months ago... sorry, I couldn't get it to upload from my cell phone.

I will keep you all updated :)

ENT Specialist

Merrill Biel is my ENT Specialist, click on his name and it will lead you to the link telling you about his reputability! After reading it I felt encouraged.

And here is some great info on Mucoepidermoid Carcinoma. Very consistent with what I am experiencing, the good news is that my last tumor was low grade :)

I have butterflies in my stomach, I will be heading to my appointment shortly.

My heart sinks

everytime I think about what the possibilities are for the growth in my mouth. It hurts, so I am constantly reminded.

please pray for me

a little nervous

... okay maybe not a little, maybe a lot.
Another growth has grown, and I though that it was a festering bone spur. It is so similar to the first tumor, and is painful just like the original one was, I think just because of the pressure that it is putting on the skin of the pallet. It is slightly larger, or at least protrudes more than the original one. I began wondering last week when I noticed that it started to feel like it was growing, and it became painful.

Hopefully it is benign. I keep having all of these thoughts running through my mind... what if they cut out more of my jaw? what if it is cancer? will I need radiation? why, when!?
argh, what in the world!?

I know that God has a plan though...
He is going to be by my side through it all :)

I have an appt with the ENT on Monday afternoon -we will see how it goes.

Following Madi around 'In Toe'

Yes, the Pun is intended!

Madi, as energetic as she always is, a Go, go, go kinda girl! I had her in her walker last night, because all that she wants to do is run around, litterally. I cannot keep up with her.

I look up and she is cruising straight toward me, in the walker, shortly after I put her in. I had two options at that point 1)Let her run right into me, which hurts the feet pretty bad or 2)Attempt to jump over her, saving my feet the hurt of the collision, becasue there was no where else to go -the couch was in the way. Of course I chose numero dos... little did I know, the attempt would have failed!

Broken Toe? I think so!

well it is black and blue, actually more of a purple-ish color. Quite swollen (it feels like I am pregnant again, with a swollen toe), and hurts like I have never experienced my toe to hurt before. Any movement of the toe is extremely painful! There was a definite lack of sleep last night due to the pain. I have fractured a toe before, but that pain does not compare to this! At first I thought I just jammed it pretty badly or maybe it was a sprain. As the night grew old, my toe told me otherwise... so yes, I beleive that it is broken. I am contemplating a Doctors visit, although I feel as though it may be unneccesary because there is nothing that they can do for this sort of catastrophe, LOL. It is pretty funny, especially the way it happened. Atleast I didn't take Madi down with me!

Althouhg a broken toe sounds quite awful, everytime I think about it it makes me chuckle, and it reminds me of my cute little cruiser, running all around the house, preparing those little muscles for walking.

I think that I am going to go buy some indoor, tough, slippers for around the house, to keep my precious little filanges protected, from my fiesty, energetic little one.

So, I am wearing the Mock Uggs (probably for the remainder of the winter), and saying goodbye to my cute stilletto boots, for now! As I wobble around due to the pain, again, like I am pregnant!

:)

sick again?

I don't feel good, I feel nauseated, lightheaded and sick... AgAiN!! Okay, so seriously how long can a 'virus' stick around? Is it even a virus that I have? What is going on?!

Needless to say I am a little frustrated, I feel sick again... this time I feel like I am going to hurl, my stomach is in knots and my head is spinning. I just want to feel normal again, whatever normal is anyway... I feel like I have been sick ever since I have had Madi. I just wish that I could have a doctor that would advocate for me. It is very odd, I have ups and downs of feeling better then sick again.

I went to the Doctor this morning, only for them to do labs. Hopefully I will get some results that will tell me something about what is going on.

Please, for those of you who are reading this, pray for me... for a diagnoses or better yet for healing (:

Looking on the Bright side

Some say I am a hypochondriac (Sean) and some tell me that I 'Neeeed to go to the Doc Stat!' (Mom)... either way, I always end up there.

I went and saw Dr. Gonzales yesterday, an amazing Doctor, a Mayo Clinic original. As all great doctors are, he is busy, but always takes the time with me to go through everything quite thoroughly. He owns a clinic called MNCOME (Minnesota center for obesity metabolism and endocrinology). As some of you may know I was having some endocrine issues in Mid 2008 following my oral surgery, so he is the perfect doctor for me to see, when it comes to being my general practitioner.

As most of you know, atleast those who have spent any time with me this past month, I have been dealing with some weird symptoms. Dizziness, lightheadedness, almost like the feeling you get in your head when you have the flu minus the nausea, I feel like I am going to pass out all the time. I am not really a quiet person, so whoever hung out with me got to hear all about it :) (that was something that Dan didn't like much about me, I don't really have a filter, I tend to say it like it is).

Dr. Gonzales' response to my symptoms, 'That is easy... You are Pregnant!'. I laughed and told him that it is a mere impossibility, unless God is performing some kind of miracle!

Then he proceeded to ask me, 'Have you heard of Addisons disease?'
I said, 'Are you being Fecicious!?'
His response was the notorious puzzled look on the face...
LOL, seriously Doc!! This is what I have been trying to get you to test me for for the past 5 months!!... he kept reassuring me that I do not have Addisons (during these past 5 months), so because he asked me this question... I was a little irritated! I know, I know, we are all human. He is a busy guy.

So, I have an appointment for Wednesday the 14th to go in in the morning and get some labs done to check for Addisons. Yay! Finally... It will be interesting to see the results. I just want to feel better. Since I have had Madi, I just haven't felt the same!

A couple other things that were concluded yesterday:

• I am Vitamin D deficient (but who isn't in Minnesota - Lack of sunlight). The doctors want you to be somewhere around 100 (40 is a definite minimum), and I was a mere 15. I asked him for a prescription to go Tanning and he laughed. His reply was that I would indefinitely need to take a weekly Vitamin D supplement.
• My Blood Pressure yesterday, as usual, was low: 90/50. It is always running very low, so he prescribed me some medicine to raise my BP, he thinks that that could be causing some issues as well.

Funny facts about Addisons disease (Check, Check, Check and Ummm... ya, Check):

• Blood pressure is low and falls further when standing, causing dizziness, or feeling that you are going to pass out;
• Restlessness (I was just telling Mom, I forgot to ask for sleeping pills, even though I am exhausted most of the time, I still find it nearly impossible to fall asleep at night!)
• Constant Fatigue... Hello, is this me or WhAt!?
• Addison's disease can cause irritability and depression;
• (This is a funny one because it is SOOO ME! Those of you who know me, you will laugh at this one) Craving of salty foods;
• Because the symptoms progress slowly, they are usually ignored until a stressful event like an illness or an accident causes them to become worse. This is called an Addisonian crisis, or acute adrenal insufficiency. In most patients, symptoms are severe enough to seek medical treatment before a crisis occurs. However, in 25 percent of all patients, symptoms do not appear until an Addisonian crisis (when I was hospitalized following my oral surgery they defined me as having an Addisonian Crises).

My doctor told me that I need to make an appointment to see the ENT. My mouth is weird, I never know what is normal anymore though, as I am sure that it is still healing, it hurts all the time and it is pretty hard to eat lately.

So long for fasting yesterday, allll day until my 4:40 appointment... I wasn't able to eat the subway that our employer bought for everyone but me yesterday. Dr. Gonzales didn't even do labs yesterday, LOL, so it was a waste that I fasted anyway. He said that my labs need to be done first thing in the Morning... So, needless to say, because I didn't go to the bathroom yesterday it was not pleasant going this morning.

I am tired as usual, my Mini-Me-Madi is teething so she had a hard time sleeping. Poor baby! She has 2 cute little bottom teeth now, she worked hard for them, so of course, I am proud!!

Looking on the bright side... I bet you were waiting for this, sorry it took so long, but I try and save the best news for last! Philipians 4:13 "For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." All of this is just my journey in growing, growing closer to a God who heals, restores and gives Me strength.

I think that I am going to start labeling these blog posts as the 'Health Chronicles'.

The last day in 2008

December 31st, 2008... Can you believe it?? The older you get the faster time flies by!

So, Happy New Year's Eve everyone, hope that it is fabulous for you all. I am working a half day today, Oh how I wish I could be sleeping in this morning. After the 1 hour and 40 minute commute home yesterday I am in need of a break, good thing I have tomorrow off. Snow snow snow... oh and cold, is what the Minnesota winter consists of. It is 8 below zero right now, burrr.

I have been pondering about resolutions and such and have decided that my resolution is going to be giving more and more of my life to God, I will do what he wants of me in 2009... In previous years, this one included, I haven't lived that way at all. So, 'Here I am God! Use me as you will'.

Here is the updated picture of my mouth that I have been promising everyone, sorry about the blurriness it is hard when you are your own photographer, all of the other ones gave you a scary nostril shot and I didn't want you to be more grossed out than you already had to be :)!


Red: how big the hole was right after surgery
Blue: Where the hole is now, much much smaller, this one is the actual fistula that is open into the nasal canal
green: some small surface holes that are closing up, they aren't open into the nasal canal

It has been hurting a lot lately, it is just still tender I think... It keeps changing shape in there so I really never know what to expect. It is a little lumpy in places, I don't think that the photo captured that too well. My mouth piece doesn't fit again... But when I go to the ENT again I am sure that he will have good news telling me that this is all normal and expected.

Reminiscing on 2008

Some amazing things have happened this year, both Wonderful and some a little Overwhelming and not so great... I have decided to enter into the new year with Joy in my heart (as Rebekah put it). Thank you everyone for all of the support that you have given me this year, I truly don't know where I would be without my wonderful friends, Family, Church, and Most of all My Savior - Jesus Christ!

As 2008 began I was very pregnant, 50 pounds worth...LOL. I was so eager to have my daughter in my arms already.

At the end of January, the long awaited and anticipated move happened!! My sister April, Her Husband Sean, and their Four Beautiful Children made the long haul from sunny California to snowy Minnesota. I am thrilled looking back at this year, seeing how much joy they bring to my life. April is the best sister and best friend that I could have ever wished for!!

In February I turned a whopping 23 years old, I know to some that is young, but to me it is Old, and as a matter-of-fact it is the oldest that I have ever been! But with age comes respect and I deffinetly enjoy that aspect of being 23!

I was trying to work on my marriage. To hold it together... Dan and I took the marriage course at the church. It was amazingly tough, we really discovered how different we really are during that time. On occasion he would go intoxicated, and it was very hard for me.

A tumor was growing in my mouth, so I saw an oral surgeon and was told the it was a 'Pregnancy Granuloma', that it should go away post-partum.

April 10th of 2008 was a life changing day for me! My gorgeous Daughter Madilynn Paige was born at 8:20 pm, weighing in at 7lbs 3 oz (not 62 pounds!! so why did I gain that much?!) and she was 19.5 inches, oh how my little baby has grown! I never knew that I could have so much love for someone... But I do! She has been a gift from God, to open my eyes, to what is really important in life.

Dan and I struggled, as he continued to drink (it actually increased during April-June, I have financial statements to prove it). I was torn... I felt obligated to my vows, but my heart was torn. The last thing that I ever wanted for my daughter was the childhood that I had, with a parent dealing with substance addictions... and having to deal with the consequences that come along with those addictions.

After Madi, I discovered that I had a lovely case of Fissures (which took quite a while to diagnose) The colorectal Surgeon finally confirmed my situation! I won't get into too much detail But I will say that I was living in pain for the first 6 months of Madi's life because of them...

7 weeks postpartum the tumor that had grown on the pallet in my mouth had not disappeared it had actually changed in shape, grew larger and the color changed as well. So I went back to the oral surgeon, they, to my surpirise, removed it. I was awake, and it wasn't a fun experience! They reassured my that it looked benign and that I had nothing to worry about...

A week later, I was told that I had Mucoepidermoid Carcinoma... WhAt?! 'Are you kidding me?!' I thought that it was benign!!

July First I had surgery, to remove it, at Mayo Clinic... I was left with a huge hole in my mouth, ouch, that wasn't fun. Following the surgery I got very sick and ended up in the Cardiac ICU. Everything that I ate and drank came out of my nose, it was really tough getting used to it!

By 10 weeks postpartum I had thankfully lost all of my 62 pounds, YAY!

My mouth continued to heal, but my bottom end didn't. It seemed like I had endless cases of medical issues, following the birth of Madi.

Dan and My relationship continued to spiral downward, I think that going through everything that I did helped me to see how really unsupportive he was as a husband... Although he Loved Madi and treated her wonderfully, I cannot say the same about how he treated me.

Finally I received some fabulous treatment (botox in the butt ;) For real, I had botox... Funny, I know! I quit breastfeeding :( but I finally was able to live somewhat pain-free!! Thanks to my Mom who was there for EVERY SINGLE MEDICAL SURGERY AND PROCEDURE that I had this year, she is so awesome, I love her so much!!

As things started to get better, medical wise. I gathered up the strength to face one of my biggest fears... Leaving my husband, with my daghter in the mix! It was tough, but looking back, I know that it will be the best for all of us!

I Continued my pursuit for a God who has been simply Astounding. He has Turned my life upside down and all around, I have hope, in him... and finally we have a relationship like I have always desired to have with him, and it is amazing! Thank you God, thank you for standing by my side, waiting for me all these years, to finally turn to you!

I got a lawyer in September and started court proceedings. For the first time in my life, I live alone (well somewhat anyway... If Madi doesn't count). I got a beautiful apartment in Inver Grove, close to my Mom and church, yay!

I am learning to fully trust Christ. It is a journey and I struggle, stumbling along the way, but God and everyone around me have been lifting me up, so when I do fall, it is short lived, I am lifted up pretty much right away!

The divorce has brought it's ups and downs and we are only at the begining...

Madi is getting more and more beautiful day after day. Haloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas were all a blast with her :) She has so much personality, and I predict that she is going to be a singer some day... she loves to sing already! She has 2 teeth that are popping through now :)

Christmas was amazing! It was my 10th annual Christmas day dinner at the church. Madi and I cooked for it, and it was a blast, great having all of my family there. The opening of gifts afterward at my place was a ton of fun too!

Sooo many more things have happened... I cannot forget about Blogging I started in September. I have also made many mistakes this year, that I hopefully will learn from and not make in the coming year. We are all on a journey, who knows where 2009 will take me!

Welcoming 2009 with open arms...
Love you all
I hope that everyone had a fabulous Christmas, and that you are going to have a wonderful new year.

ps Apparently My Blog is categorized as a 'Top Blog' in Rochester and Minneapolis, little did I know... Thanks to Lynn, I have discovered...

Ouch

It hurts... both my bottom end and my top.

I went to the Doc yesterday, for my mouth, and he said that he thinks that it just may be infected. There is a bone spur working it's way out and it is so painful (mostly while I am eating and drinking). It feels impossible to eat... atleast without any pain, that is. So antibiotics and pain meds it is.

My bottom isn't doing too hot these last few days either. Am I going to have to deal with these stinking fissures for the rest of my life? or what?? One or two days of forgetting my Miralax and I feel like I am back to square one. Miralax is amazing, but it seems like it is just a band aid to the issue, if I don't take it every night that I am in for some pain the following days.

Things are tough with Madi and Dan. He wants to have her half time, and I don't want that. I feel like I am being selfish but wholeheartedly I want what is best for her, is it mean to say that I feel like I am what would be best for her? Not that Dan is a bad father... I just feel as though he doesn't make the best decisions and I don't want her to be affected by those decisions. Last week Pete preached about parenting, his main objective throughout the sermon is that in order to be a good parent we ourselves need to be healthy. Children don't do as we say, but they do what we do! If that makes sense. They pick up every single little thing. By no means am I perfect, but I am working on myself and trying to become a more healthy person to teach her how to live her life in a rightious way. I don't want her to be influenced by some of the choices that Dan is making or has made.

So we will be going to court because he is going to fight for custody... Ugh, long road ahead I am afraid!

Some ispiration for today:
Proverbs 4
25 Look straight ahead,
and fix your eyes on what lies before you.
26 Mark out a straight path for your feet;
stay on the safe path.
27 Don’t get sidetracked;
keep your feet from following evil.

Proverbs is amazing! Lots of food for your mind to chew on...
I am tired, weak, and weary but I am looking forward, I am following Gods plan for my life, I will continually seek his truth I know that the answers lie in him. I cannot look to my own understanding.

'God, give me your answers, speak to me, and give me peace in the decisions that need to be made. I love you with all of my heart and I want the same for Madilynn, my heart desires for her to walk a path of rightiousness for you. Amen!'

My weekend in review

It was a wonderfully refreshing weekend. Maybe because I was at church every single day this weekend. It was the Thanksgiving food giveaway (Friday and Saturday), the churches 16th annual giveaway (I think) and it was my 10th annual giveaway with them. I was working in hospitality, cookies and coffee, lots of fun. We gave out around 300 meals and 100 giftcards to people in need. What was so awesome was that we needed $6000 from our congregation to do the giveaway and our church gave over $8000 toward the giveaway! Isn't that amazing?!

Friday night Ember and Rachel Robertson had a sleepover at my place. It was a ton of fun. We had Pizza, hot chocolate (with marshmallows of course) and watched movies. I felt young again!

Satuday after the second day of the giveaway, Mom and I went to Sams club to get breakfast for sunday morning at church. After that April came over, I did her hair for the play, then we went and watched it. They all did a fabulous job acting. Then Albert, Mom, April, Madi, and I went to Applebees for a late night dinner, and I gave Albert his birthday presents. I have an amazing family! Can you beleive that Albert is 17 years old?! I can't, I still feel like I am 17... but it was almost 7 years ago now. Albert was extremely thankful for all of his gifts...

Sunday, I went to church. It was a great sermon about Parents, and how we are called to honor and respect our them. It really touched both Mom and I. Sunday was a mellow day, Madi is sick so she slept most of the day, her room still smells like Vicks. Mom went and got a Vicks Vapor humidifier, poor baby she sounded so sick. She is coughing, sneezing, and her nose is runny. I feel bad, I am sure that I gave her the virus because I have been sick for over 2 weeks now, and I am finally starting to feel better! Hopefully the rest will have helped her.

Albert and I went to sushi last night, it was a great time, just the two of us. The food was delicious at Sakura, and it was great to visit with Albert, it was just the two of us. He is such a great kid, he is very intelligent, and he has great aspirations in life. He loves God and he loves people. He wants to be a pastor. I hope that one day I have a son like him!

I need prayer. My mouth has healed VERY well, the hole in the pallet of my mouth is so small barely anything (pretty much only fluid) is entering my nasal canal, which is great, a lot better than I ever expected it to be! But now that it is closing, bone spurs are making there way through the roof of my mouth. It is so painful and uncomfortable! Pieces of bone that don't belong up there are being pushed out, it is very tender. It reminds me of when you have a splinter in your finger, except the pieces of bone are larger.

*sigh*

So, I haven't taken my fluoxetine (antidepressant) since last Saturday. I felt like I was doing okay without it, which I thought would be great! Dan often comments on how I am medicated... Not that I take it that personal or anything, but I would like not to have to be dependant on anything.

Today it is really hitting me, I feel down again, not like I want to hurt myself or anything severe like that. I don't know, I guess that it seems too complicated to explain how I feel. I do know that I felt A LOT better while taking it!

I am just curious to know though, are antidepressants a cop out? Are the issues being dealt with by the medication or is the fluoxetine like a band aid, only covering up the wounds?? If that is the case, I would much rather deal with the issues rather than cover them with medication...

Although it is tough living in this state of mind. I am by no means severely depressed or anything. I don't know there is just a negative-ness that lingers over my mind and thoughts.

I am tired, and I am not happy with where things are in my life. I know that God calls us to be content where we are, but I don't feel content! I am not happy with so many aspects of my life right now, sometimes I dread waking up! What should I do? I feel like sometimes I know the answers to my own questions, and I feel good about where things are... then there are times where I feel a little overwhelmed. I am just not sure what to do with these feelings, or where to go from here. Too bad I didn't have boundaries every night! Bev, our boundaries leader, always seems to have great insight into things.

I need to remember this-
1 Timothy 6:
6 Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. 7 After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. 8 So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.

I again am convicted, I have enough food and clothing... why do I long for more! I feel my selfish human nature consuming me!

Life is never dull

My fissures are back in full swing. OUCH, it is a pain in the rear for sure. I wonder if it is from stress??? When they hurt this bad it feels like the pain is running my life!! and that is all I have to say about that!

Moving is amazing, and a TON of work, but yet fun. I love my new place. I accidently left my camara at someones house, oops, so no new pics yet. Can't wait to show you my lovely new place.

What does everyone think about our new president elect!? I am a little worried for his life, I know that there are a lot of extremists in the south. This is not only a historic year for me but also for America! I had a feeling that Barrack Husein Obama (sp?) would win.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. Prov 3:5 NLT (BTW I love the NLT, it is my Favorite version). Good to remember, and it is also very humbling!

ps We are having the FIRST SNOW OF THE YEAR TODAY in Minnesota. It is beautiful out! Gods creation is so amazing!

Exhaustion

I just don't know what it is... But I cannot fight it! I am so tired that, I am falling asleep. It is scary when you are nodding off at the wheel on your way to work! I would definitely say that I am dealing with some sort of chronic fatigue or something. I find myself telling people everyday how tired I am. Not to mention I am sick right now (as usual), with a cold. I just feel like I am complaining all of the time. What in the world is going on with me?! Am I just a hypochondriac or something???

So, I briefly checked out an online symptom checker and it led me to believe that it could have to do with my adrenal insufficiencies (that I dealt with post surgery this July). So, I made an appointment with Dr. Harold Katz, who was my endocrinologist at John Nasseffs Heart Hospital. I have put it off anyway, I was supposed to go in for further testing with him in August, to check my cortisol levels and such. I just feel like I have lived at the hospital/clinic this year, but I might as well go and get it all over with before a new year, with new deductibles, begins...

I am seriously going to pick up some Vitamin C today after work, overdose on it, hoping that it will make me feel better. Then I am going to take a nap, if Madi lets me :)

Speaking of Madi...she is so cute, it seems like she is always going through some sort of discovery, right now it seems like she is discovering her tongue. She loves to see how far she can stick it out, she is so adorable and energetic she makes me smile all the time. She is wearing clothes as big as 12 months right now. It just blows my mind because I can remember when she was too small for her new born clothes! Her feet are still pretty small though, if they weren't so wide she could wear a size one, so she is in a size two because of the width of her foot right now. She has been bouncing about in her new tennies that I bought her this weekend. I wouldn't be surprised if she was an early walker, she hates sitting, all she ever want to do is stand, or jump around.

We went to the doctor and he was pretty sure that it is thrush, as of this morning we decided to start her on the meds for it. At the doctor she got weighed in... *drum roll* 18 pounds 10.5 Ounces, I was surprised! I honestly thought that she weighed more. I guess I just maybe need to work on my arm strength or something, because lifting that car seat in and out of the car, up and down the stairs is a TON of work!

Dan and I had a good day yesterday, packing up everything in our basement. It was great because when we aren't fighting, we really get along well! We have decided that we are going to try to work through everything as amicably as possible. Along with packing we went and did a 'Change of Responsibility' at T Mobile, so now we have separate accounts... It is actually a lot cheaper for the both of us now, believe it or not. I got the Fave Fives plan, so it will be fun to discover the 5 people that I talk the most too.

I am anxiously awaiting November 5th! I cannot wait to move into our new place.

Fissures

For those of you who are sensitive and don't like to hear anything that may make them squirm... Please do not read this! It is personal, but it is a medical issue that I dealt with this year...





I posted this on my Yahoo support group: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/analfissure/messages?o=1

In April I had a baby, which left me in severe pain! I found out 5 doctors later that I had 3 anal fissures. Long story short, A friend of mine introduced me to this group, and I received some wonderful advice!

I am just going to list what I feel helped me, and maybe it can help some of you out there looking for some answers:

-Quit breastfeeding. Obviously men and women who this doesn't pertain to, disregard this one. But for those of you that this pertain to: I think that this was a biggee for me. Yes, it was tough, I loved breastfeeding my Daughter. If I was to do it over again though I would have stopped sooner, becuase I am sure that I was putting large amounts of stress and anxiety on my baby due to the sever pain that I was having. I think that it really cause some dehydration issues.

-Quit taking prenatal vitamins. They do the opposite effect of softners.

-Miralax, Miralax, Miralax! This I suggest anyone suffering from fissures to try! I should do a commercial for them, although it would probably be TMI for all of the consumers out there. NO, but seriously, I take 17mg every night! The stuff is amazing. My pain lessened drastically very shortly after I started taking it regularly, and I mean regularly, I never miss taking it.

-Benefiber. I don't take it religiously or anything but I know that it does help keep things soft.

-Lots and lots of water!! And I think that that explains itself...

-Botox injections. I don't think that I necessarily would have needed this if I would have done [the things listed above] sooner. But I am sure that the botox helped as well. I was originally scheduled for the Lateral Internal Sphincterotomy, in sheer desperation for some pain relief, but I am sooo glad that I changed my mind last minute.


So, thank you everyone for all of the support! I really needed it. There were times where I genuinely wanted to die, instead of go to the bathroom. I even went on anti-anxiety meds! I just felt like NO ONE understood the pain that I was going through!! When I joined this site, it put me at ease knowing that I was not alone! So, thank you thank you thank you!! Words cannot express my gratitude. I am feeling much better, not 100% yet, but things are manageable now, and I don't have anxiety attacks anymore when I have to go to the bathroom (I have to thank everyone who was there for me, when I called in a state of panic, LOL).

And to all of those who are suffering there are brighter days ahead, I know at times it seems extremely unbearable (by a few women also dealing with fissures I have heard that it is 10 times worse than labor. I had an epidural so I cannot attest to that... but it was much worse than any pain I have ever experienced in my lifetime!) And it may seem like you are going to be in pain for the rest of your life... But things will get better!
Thanks,
Rebecca