I Miss my Baby!

As I was getting ready for work this morning all Madi wanted to do was to be held close in my arms! I love her, and she has been a little clingier than usual, wanting to be with me more and more - yesterday everytime I stood up she would start crying like I was going to be leaving her or something...

I am sorta sad because I really really want to be there with her and for her every second of the day. This morning was rough leaving her. Madi didn't want me to leave... the tears and screams were hard to resist and I probably held her too long, which made it harder... I won't see her until next Monday :(

5 days... really!? That is so hard, to go that long without seeing my little cutie! I just {still} don't understand why the courts would suggest a 5 day period without me seeing my little girl! I really am missing her right now...

Please say a prayer for the whole situation... The divorce isn't final yet, Child Support still hasn't been agreed upon. Dan does not want to make any changes to the schedule, which conflicts with my schooling. Childcare also seems to be a promising issue - we will see. Honestly, I just really want all of this to be over, and I want us to both be able to see our baby, but 5 days is way too long of a duration to go for either of us...

mistakes will happen along the way

Condemnation. Shame. Resentment. Guilt. Disappointment



often I feel these things when I make mistakes, when I slip up. Although I know that I am forgiven, that I am given grace, I still beat myself up. My heart feels ashamed and disappointed when I fail... I am constantly fighting myself, my perfectionism. I am my own worst enemy.



My heart is sad when I look back and see the truth. I was just a trophy wife, and nothing more. Did he even really love me? I have made so many mistakes and I naturally want to follow the old pattern that I have walked for so many years. There is a rut that was dug, and I keep falling into it!



I am trying to discover who I am and what I want, and why...

Why did I choose what that life? How do I fix what I choose? I want to make healthy choices, I want to turn away from the old life that I once knew. I want to create a new life for Madi and Myself. Sometimes it seems so hard...



But I know that His Grace is sufficient. Time will heal the wounds, and the rut will be filled once it is no longer walked in... and along the way the mistakes will still happen, but I am not separated from Gods grace he may be disappointed by he will not condemn me, he will still love me and draw me near.

Preventing Divorce

It should be harder to get married and easier to get a divorce, but in all reality it is vice versa. As Dan and I stood in line in Las Vegas, waiting for our marriage license, we met a couple from Australia who were getting married for the fun of it, 'We are in Vegas... why not??'. Dan and I chuckled, but in all reality marriage is not something to take lightly. I know that now... Too little, too late.

So please, before you commit, take the steps neccessary to prevent a divorce from happening down the road. There are so many resources here is one of them. Premarital counseling is a must and should be mandated. it sure would save a lot of people from a lot of hardship.

Inhabitable?

I think that Minnesota should be labeled: Inhabitable.
-20 degrees air temp and -42 wind chill, is just simply insane! People can live in this?? Well not Without long underwear! People still have to work and go to school in this?! Not to mention, the roads are insanely dangerous right now, covered in ice, it was a scary drive in this morning! One thing I can say though is that I am proud to have endured this cold, I feel somewhat accomplished to have endured these conditions :)

I am feeling much better today, still a little dizzy and lightheaded but the nausea is gone, yay! Thanks for the prayers.

Yesterday was a little rough. Dan is pretty upset about the outcome of the court ruling. He told me that it turned out to be worse than his worst case scenario. When he dropped Madi off last night, he told me 'You are the most evil person that I have ever known!'. I was a little shocked. As I opened the door I could tell he was very angry, and his tone with me was quite rude and mean. I asked him what was wrong and that was his reply... that I am evil. I didn't respond right away, because I was a little taken back.
I hope that things will get better once our court stuff is all over with...

Madi is doing wonderful! She is 40 weeks old today (a little more than 9 months). Growing like a weed, she is 29 inches long already, nearly 10 inches longer than her birth length (19.5 inches)! She is 20lbs and 12Oz. She is a very energetic healthy girl. Great weight proportion for her length! The doctor told me that she can tell that Madi is intelligent because of her awareness of her surroundings. Dr. Borow said that she may skip crawling, she is doing a great job pre-walking :) I am so proud of her! CT-Ryan Studios will be taking her 9 month pics tomorrow, I cannot wait! I will be sure to post some once I get them back.