Ahhh! I could just scream!!
I feel like everything has been a waste! What have I been living for for the last seven years?? A failed Marriage, a drunk husband, a life of lies to myself! Allowing myself to be controlled and treated the way that I was. Trying to be true to my Vows, I wasn't true to myself!
As the tears fall I question, "Why God! Why did I make those decisions for my life?" I feel so overwhelmed at the loss of all of this. Letting go of the life that I once knew, the life that I told myself that I loved.
Starting over is so hard! I don't want to face this loss that I have endured, I hate being alone, I miss his embrace. I am still not facing it, I don't know if I am not emotionally ready or what! These tears have not been shed for months... I wonder if it is now that my ,mind is forcing me to mourn the loss of my marriage, the loss of someone who I thought I would share the rest of my life with.
We just talked on the phone... How different we are, it amazes me! How was it working all this time? I am learning, and Wow, it is hard.
God deliver me of my brokeness I don't want to be unhealthy any more, guide me to become the woman, and Mother that you have created me to be. I desire to be healthy and to make good decisions. I know that all of this is only a consequence of the decisions that I have made.
I feel so overwhelmed, give me peace Lord!