‘Time changes everything except something within us which is always surprised by change.’ Thomas Hardy
Woah! So as some of you know and some of you don't life has thrown me a little curve ball. Some change has come my way, some would say it is bad change... But who knows, a door has closed and I have been led to a new door... so I am on my way to a new adventure. I am excited to see what life has for me. So no, I wouldn't say that for me this is a bad change, it has been bittersweet, but not necessarily bad.
The company that has employed me for the past two and a half years now ceases to exist. They are going out of business (if they haven't already gone under that is) and I am sure that many people will be affected by the ripple effect from the fall of the company. My heart is sad for all of those who have encountered a loss due to Groom closing their doors. My heart goes out to my Boss Jim Blackwood and his wife Stacey, who were part owners of the company. They were nothing less than kind and compassionate to me during my employment with them. They stood by me through many hardships and triumphs in my own personal life. I will never forget them, and their graciousness.
So I am unemployed, for the first time in what seems like forever...
I applied for unemployment (I have yet to receive any compensation thus far) and am hopeful that it will suffice for now. I decided that the wise thing would be to put my job searching on halt and return to school for the semester and finish my degree. I am now on track to be graduating with my BA in Social Science following the summer semester. I am thrilled, nervous, and anxious...This is all going to be a huge change of lifestyle and of time and pace. All change is hard because we humans like predictability and routine, but it will be good and it will challenge me again, and I look forward to it, it will feel good to get things done.
So life will go on, and I am happy to say that I am in a good place. Watching Madi grow is amazing, and having the relationships that I do with the family and friends in my life, it just amazes me beyond measure. I cannot say that I am not blessed, because I am, I am more blessed than what many will experience in a lifetime.
Showing posts with label Life Changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life Changes. Show all posts
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Trust in God
'Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. ' John 14:1
What do we do and where do we turn when it seems like everything is falling apart? When we lose our jobs, or our children are heading down the wrong path, when someone dies, or we are facing devastating consequences for the bad choices that we have made; who do we turn to?
'Dear brothers and sisters,when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.'
James 1:2-4
All too often I turn to worry, guilt, shame... But I need to remember that my life is not in my control. I am called to give it up, I am called to surrender, to a God who is far greater than my mind can imagine.
'Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.' Matt 16:24-25
God wants us to give up ALL control and put it into his hands!! Those tough seasons in your life could be a time where he is preparing you to rely more on him and give up control of your own life or the life of a spouse or child. Truly, all of our lives are out of our control, it is only God that knows what is ahead and in store for us.
We need to be reassured that God has great plans, and without these hard times all of this, Gods plans may not happen. I cannot help but think and know that God is in everything somehow, even though it may not seem like it at the moment... When we are facing those challenging times that life throws our way, God could be in the middle of it all preparing us for something great, for something that can turn your world upside down.
When we are going through those rough times we need to remember to turn to him, he is right by our side!
Last night I was spending time with Shirley (it is her birthday today!) we were talking about how Madi is influenced by both Dan and I. I expressed my concern for Madi's life, I don't want her to make the same bad choices that I have made in my life. As a Mom I want her to make the best decisions and be the best that she can be throughout her whole life... Shirley reminded me and assured me that Madi is Gods, and she is in his hands - and when I went up in front of the church to dedicate her that is exactly what I was doing, I was giving her to God! Madi's life is in Gods hands now, I am just a Shepard guiding her along the path of life, helping to teach her and guide her!
I think that we often forget sometimes that when we become Christ filled and we give our lives to God, our lives are no longer ours to hold on to, and try to control... we need to give UP and give it to God. I know that it is easier said than done, but God wants us to lay down our lives and give it all to him, he knows the plans he has for our lives. We shouldn't worry, he has it all figured out.
'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jeremiah 29:11
Monday, February 23, 2009
We are only responsible for ourselves, and no one else
and We are called to live Honest lives.
I feel so compelled to share these truth's daily with so many people that I care for and Love. It seems like so many people have a hard time seeting boundaries, or they aren't even aware that these are boundaries that need to be set! It is just so sad to me what the majority of us have been brought up to live by. This list of things may sound all too familiar to you, because I know it does me, it was how I lived my life for the past 23 years!!
"I can't tell him the truth because it will make him angry..."
"I don't want to Make her sad..."
"I am scared about what she will think of me..."
"If I tell her then she might not talk to me ever again..."
"I just feel like I can't please everyone..."
"He makes me so mad..."
"If I tell them the truth they might not like me..."
All too often I think that society teaches us that we are responsible for everyone Else's feeling, not our own. Therefore, we live our lives trying to please others and not ourselves, meanwhile we feel confused and torn about the decisions that we 'Should' make in order to make everyone else happy. Truth is: "You are NOT responsible for any one elses emotions, actions, attitudes and so forth." You CANNOT make any one happy, you cannot MAKE anyone sad, it is an individuals choice, not ours to make for them! For example say we buy someone an amazing gift, and we are sooo excited to give it to them because we KNOW that it is going to Make them so happy. Then we give them the gift and their response is no where what we expected it to be, they actually don't even like the gift... and we are disappointed because they didn't meet our expectation that what we did for them was going to "Make" them happy...
What I am getting at is that we only have control over our own Thoughts, feeling, attitudes, and actions.
But what we are called to do is to be "Truthful in Love". Even though we are not responsible for other people we are still responsible to them, and part of that is being kind to them, not mean. When living your life you need to be truthful to yourself and everyone else, because at the end of the day you are living your life for YOU and no one else! Does that make sense??
God calls us to live our lives honestly, not to try and please everyone.
I just remember when I finally grasped this concept, it was so priceless to me, and I had wished that I would have been taught it years ago!! Then I wouldn't have ended up in an unhealthy relationship. It is so freeing that I don't have to try to PLEASE anyone anymore. I have learned that we can't please anyone, it is their choice, and it is out of our control. This is why I Finally made the decision to leave my marriage, because I stopped worrying about what everyone else thought, and started taking care of myself! If someone disapproves of me because I left, oh well, that is their issue, not mine. They didn't have to live my life, they have no idea what I was going through.
So, with all of this in mind, what can YOU do to take care of YOURSELF?? Are you doing something to try to please someone right now? Or are you being dishonest because you are worried about someones reaction??
All of these concepts are outlined in a fabulous book titled, Boundaries. It is a new-york times bestselling book, and it has transformed many peoples lives, mine included. I highly recommend it.
I try to always remind myself to never do anything half-heartedly, my whole heart needs to be in every decision that I make.
I was compelled to write this because I have a Friend who seems to be struggling. And I hope and PRAY that everything works out with her, and that she is able to make good decisions for herself!
I feel so compelled to share these truth's daily with so many people that I care for and Love. It seems like so many people have a hard time seeting boundaries, or they aren't even aware that these are boundaries that need to be set! It is just so sad to me what the majority of us have been brought up to live by. This list of things may sound all too familiar to you, because I know it does me, it was how I lived my life for the past 23 years!!
"I can't tell him the truth because it will make him angry..."
"I don't want to Make her sad..."
"I am scared about what she will think of me..."
"If I tell her then she might not talk to me ever again..."
"I just feel like I can't please everyone..."
"He makes me so mad..."
"If I tell them the truth they might not like me..."
All too often I think that society teaches us that we are responsible for everyone Else's feeling, not our own. Therefore, we live our lives trying to please others and not ourselves, meanwhile we feel confused and torn about the decisions that we 'Should' make in order to make everyone else happy. Truth is: "You are NOT responsible for any one elses emotions, actions, attitudes and so forth." You CANNOT make any one happy, you cannot MAKE anyone sad, it is an individuals choice, not ours to make for them! For example say we buy someone an amazing gift, and we are sooo excited to give it to them because we KNOW that it is going to Make them so happy. Then we give them the gift and their response is no where what we expected it to be, they actually don't even like the gift... and we are disappointed because they didn't meet our expectation that what we did for them was going to "Make" them happy...
What I am getting at is that we only have control over our own Thoughts, feeling, attitudes, and actions.
But what we are called to do is to be "Truthful in Love". Even though we are not responsible for other people we are still responsible to them, and part of that is being kind to them, not mean. When living your life you need to be truthful to yourself and everyone else, because at the end of the day you are living your life for YOU and no one else! Does that make sense??
God calls us to live our lives honestly, not to try and please everyone.
I just remember when I finally grasped this concept, it was so priceless to me, and I had wished that I would have been taught it years ago!! Then I wouldn't have ended up in an unhealthy relationship. It is so freeing that I don't have to try to PLEASE anyone anymore. I have learned that we can't please anyone, it is their choice, and it is out of our control. This is why I Finally made the decision to leave my marriage, because I stopped worrying about what everyone else thought, and started taking care of myself! If someone disapproves of me because I left, oh well, that is their issue, not mine. They didn't have to live my life, they have no idea what I was going through.
So, with all of this in mind, what can YOU do to take care of YOURSELF?? Are you doing something to try to please someone right now? Or are you being dishonest because you are worried about someones reaction??
All of these concepts are outlined in a fabulous book titled, Boundaries. It is a new-york times bestselling book, and it has transformed many peoples lives, mine included. I highly recommend it.
I try to always remind myself to never do anything half-heartedly, my whole heart needs to be in every decision that I make.
I was compelled to write this because I have a Friend who seems to be struggling. And I hope and PRAY that everything works out with her, and that she is able to make good decisions for herself!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
No Blog for 3 Days.
Was the title of an email that I received today from My Grandma Brady. I love you Grandma!! You are probably my biggest fan, and even if you were my only fan I would still blog for you ;) (I miss you so much, by the way, I can't wait to see you!)
So, I realized a couple things from Grandma's email 1) I really do blog a lot, don't I!? and 2) I have been a really busy girl...
Although I am going on 6 months of being single now, I think that I am much more busy now than I was when I was in a relationship. Nonetheless, I LOVE it!! I feel like such a sponge right now; I am soaking everything up, and growing, figuratively speaking anyway! It is Grrrreat!
There are some bumps along the way of course. Talking to Shirley last night she put it into perspective though. When you are cleaning out the closet, it gets messy before it can really get clean, as you are organizing it all. I am in the messy stage, that is for sure! But I feel optimistic, and I love to clean; During the messy stage is when I am motivated. So here I am staring my mess in the face, and I am determined to clean it all up, with Gods help of course!!
Crown Financial has been amazing so far, I have had so many revelations and we are only going into our 4th week. Last night the topic was seeking Wise Counsel. I am meeting with Jill, a wonderful woman from church, whom I lived with as a teenager. We are meeting on Saturday before our 'Dine with Nine', a dinner of 9 people from the church, it is an annual thing that our church coordinates, a ton of fun... Anyway, we are going to create a budget and a spending plan for me, I am so excited but also desperately afraid all at the same time. BUT I am trusting God, I know that he is going to break through and this will just be another area of growth, among the many that have and still need to take place! Isn't brokenness just a part of our humanness though?? I am constantly reminded that I need to be humble, for it is God's glory that shines in my life, not my own! This will all be testimony to his love in the end.
Grandma, I was really planning on posting tonight... So, here is another blog post for everyone to read. I am so happy to see where I have come in the last 6 months, I am genuinely happy now, and for the first time ever, I am whole-heartedly serving my Creator, and I feel so free to be able to do so.
as I end this post I want to leave this little 'Fortune Cookie' for you to chew on. I challenge you to really take it in and think about it. Are you speaking positive things? Are you doing positive things? Are you hanging out with people who lift you up? If not think about what you can do to make some healthy and positive Changes!
If you say something enough it becomes truth, and if you do something enough it becomes natural, and the people you spend time with help form your character.
So, I realized a couple things from Grandma's email 1) I really do blog a lot, don't I!? and 2) I have been a really busy girl...
Although I am going on 6 months of being single now, I think that I am much more busy now than I was when I was in a relationship. Nonetheless, I LOVE it!! I feel like such a sponge right now; I am soaking everything up, and growing, figuratively speaking anyway! It is Grrrreat!
There are some bumps along the way of course. Talking to Shirley last night she put it into perspective though. When you are cleaning out the closet, it gets messy before it can really get clean, as you are organizing it all. I am in the messy stage, that is for sure! But I feel optimistic, and I love to clean; During the messy stage is when I am motivated. So here I am staring my mess in the face, and I am determined to clean it all up, with Gods help of course!!
Crown Financial has been amazing so far, I have had so many revelations and we are only going into our 4th week. Last night the topic was seeking Wise Counsel. I am meeting with Jill, a wonderful woman from church, whom I lived with as a teenager. We are meeting on Saturday before our 'Dine with Nine', a dinner of 9 people from the church, it is an annual thing that our church coordinates, a ton of fun... Anyway, we are going to create a budget and a spending plan for me, I am so excited but also desperately afraid all at the same time. BUT I am trusting God, I know that he is going to break through and this will just be another area of growth, among the many that have and still need to take place! Isn't brokenness just a part of our humanness though?? I am constantly reminded that I need to be humble, for it is God's glory that shines in my life, not my own! This will all be testimony to his love in the end.
Grandma, I was really planning on posting tonight... So, here is another blog post for everyone to read. I am so happy to see where I have come in the last 6 months, I am genuinely happy now, and for the first time ever, I am whole-heartedly serving my Creator, and I feel so free to be able to do so.
as I end this post I want to leave this little 'Fortune Cookie' for you to chew on. I challenge you to really take it in and think about it. Are you speaking positive things? Are you doing positive things? Are you hanging out with people who lift you up? If not think about what you can do to make some healthy and positive Changes!
If you say something enough it becomes truth, and if you do something enough it becomes natural, and the people you spend time with help form your character.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Reminiscing on 2008
Some amazing things have happened this year, both Wonderful and some a little Overwhelming and not so great... I have decided to enter into the new year with Joy in my heart (as Rebekah put it). Thank you everyone for all of the support that you have given me this year, I truly don't know where I would be without my wonderful friends, Family, Church, and Most of all My Savior - Jesus Christ!
As 2008 began I was very pregnant, 50 pounds worth...LOL. I was so eager to have my daughter in my arms already.
At the end of January, the long awaited and anticipated move happened!! My sister April, Her Husband Sean, and their Four Beautiful Children made the long haul from sunny California to snowy Minnesota. I am thrilled looking back at this year, seeing how much joy they bring to my life. April is the best sister and best friend that I could have ever wished for!!
In February I turned a whopping 23 years old, I know to some that is young, but to me it is Old, and as a matter-of-fact it is the oldest that I have ever been! But with age comes respect and I deffinetly enjoy that aspect of being 23!
I was trying to work on my marriage. To hold it together... Dan and I took the marriage course at the church. It was amazingly tough, we really discovered how different we really are during that time. On occasion he would go intoxicated, and it was very hard for me.
A tumor was growing in my mouth, so I saw an oral surgeon and was told the it was a 'Pregnancy Granuloma', that it should go away post-partum.
April 10th of 2008 was a life changing day for me! My gorgeous Daughter Madilynn Paige was born at 8:20 pm, weighing in at 7lbs 3 oz (not 62 pounds!! so why did I gain that much?!) and she was 19.5 inches, oh how my little baby has grown! I never knew that I could have so much love for someone... But I do! She has been a gift from God, to open my eyes, to what is really important in life.
Dan and I struggled, as he continued to drink (it actually increased during April-June, I have financial statements to prove it). I was torn... I felt obligated to my vows, but my heart was torn. The last thing that I ever wanted for my daughter was the childhood that I had, with a parent dealing with substance addictions... and having to deal with the consequences that come along with those addictions.
After Madi, I discovered that I had a lovely case of Fissures (which took quite a while to diagnose) The colorectal Surgeon finally confirmed my situation! I won't get into too much detail But I will say that I was living in pain for the first 6 months of Madi's life because of them...
7 weeks postpartum the tumor that had grown on the pallet in my mouth had not disappeared it had actually changed in shape, grew larger and the color changed as well. So I went back to the oral surgeon, they, to my surpirise, removed it. I was awake, and it wasn't a fun experience! They reassured my that it looked benign and that I had nothing to worry about...
A week later, I was told that I had Mucoepidermoid Carcinoma... WhAt?! 'Are you kidding me?!' I thought that it was benign!!
July First I had surgery, to remove it, at Mayo Clinic... I was left with a huge hole in my mouth, ouch, that wasn't fun. Following the surgery I got very sick and ended up in the Cardiac ICU. Everything that I ate and drank came out of my nose, it was really tough getting used to it!
By 10 weeks postpartum I had thankfully lost all of my 62 pounds, YAY!
My mouth continued to heal, but my bottom end didn't. It seemed like I had endless cases of medical issues, following the birth of Madi.
Dan and My relationship continued to spiral downward, I think that going through everything that I did helped me to see how really unsupportive he was as a husband... Although he Loved Madi and treated her wonderfully, I cannot say the same about how he treated me.
Finally I received some fabulous treatment (botox in the butt ;) For real, I had botox... Funny, I know! I quit breastfeeding :( but I finally was able to live somewhat pain-free!! Thanks to my Mom who was there for EVERY SINGLE MEDICAL SURGERY AND PROCEDURE that I had this year, she is so awesome, I love her so much!!
As things started to get better, medical wise. I gathered up the strength to face one of my biggest fears... Leaving my husband, with my daghter in the mix! It was tough, but looking back, I know that it will be the best for all of us!
I Continued my pursuit for a God who has been simply Astounding. He has Turned my life upside down and all around, I have hope, in him... and finally we have a relationship like I have always desired to have with him, and it is amazing! Thank you God, thank you for standing by my side, waiting for me all these years, to finally turn to you!
I got a lawyer in September and started court proceedings. For the first time in my life, I live alone (well somewhat anyway... If Madi doesn't count). I got a beautiful apartment in Inver Grove, close to my Mom and church, yay!
I am learning to fully trust Christ. It is a journey and I struggle, stumbling along the way, but God and everyone around me have been lifting me up, so when I do fall, it is short lived, I am lifted up pretty much right away!
The divorce has brought it's ups and downs and we are only at the begining...
Madi is getting more and more beautiful day after day. Haloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas were all a blast with her :) She has so much personality, and I predict that she is going to be a singer some day... she loves to sing already! She has 2 teeth that are popping through now :)
Christmas was amazing! It was my 10th annual Christmas day dinner at the church. Madi and I cooked for it, and it was a blast, great having all of my family there. The opening of gifts afterward at my place was a ton of fun too!
Sooo many more things have happened... I cannot forget about Blogging I started in September. I have also made many mistakes this year, that I hopefully will learn from and not make in the coming year. We are all on a journey, who knows where 2009 will take me!
Welcoming 2009 with open arms...
Love you all
I hope that everyone had a fabulous Christmas, and that you are going to have a wonderful new year.
ps Apparently My Blog is categorized as a 'Top Blog' in Rochester and Minneapolis, little did I know... Thanks to Lynn, I have discovered...
As 2008 began I was very pregnant, 50 pounds worth...LOL. I was so eager to have my daughter in my arms already.
At the end of January, the long awaited and anticipated move happened!! My sister April, Her Husband Sean, and their Four Beautiful Children made the long haul from sunny California to snowy Minnesota. I am thrilled looking back at this year, seeing how much joy they bring to my life. April is the best sister and best friend that I could have ever wished for!!
In February I turned a whopping 23 years old, I know to some that is young, but to me it is Old, and as a matter-of-fact it is the oldest that I have ever been! But with age comes respect and I deffinetly enjoy that aspect of being 23!
I was trying to work on my marriage. To hold it together... Dan and I took the marriage course at the church. It was amazingly tough, we really discovered how different we really are during that time. On occasion he would go intoxicated, and it was very hard for me.
A tumor was growing in my mouth, so I saw an oral surgeon and was told the it was a 'Pregnancy Granuloma', that it should go away post-partum.
April 10th of 2008 was a life changing day for me! My gorgeous Daughter Madilynn Paige was born at 8:20 pm, weighing in at 7lbs 3 oz (not 62 pounds!! so why did I gain that much?!) and she was 19.5 inches, oh how my little baby has grown! I never knew that I could have so much love for someone... But I do! She has been a gift from God, to open my eyes, to what is really important in life.
Dan and I struggled, as he continued to drink (it actually increased during April-June, I have financial statements to prove it). I was torn... I felt obligated to my vows, but my heart was torn. The last thing that I ever wanted for my daughter was the childhood that I had, with a parent dealing with substance addictions... and having to deal with the consequences that come along with those addictions.
After Madi, I discovered that I had a lovely case of Fissures (which took quite a while to diagnose) The colorectal Surgeon finally confirmed my situation! I won't get into too much detail But I will say that I was living in pain for the first 6 months of Madi's life because of them...
7 weeks postpartum the tumor that had grown on the pallet in my mouth had not disappeared it had actually changed in shape, grew larger and the color changed as well. So I went back to the oral surgeon, they, to my surpirise, removed it. I was awake, and it wasn't a fun experience! They reassured my that it looked benign and that I had nothing to worry about...
A week later, I was told that I had Mucoepidermoid Carcinoma... WhAt?! 'Are you kidding me?!' I thought that it was benign!!
July First I had surgery, to remove it, at Mayo Clinic... I was left with a huge hole in my mouth, ouch, that wasn't fun. Following the surgery I got very sick and ended up in the Cardiac ICU. Everything that I ate and drank came out of my nose, it was really tough getting used to it!
By 10 weeks postpartum I had thankfully lost all of my 62 pounds, YAY!
My mouth continued to heal, but my bottom end didn't. It seemed like I had endless cases of medical issues, following the birth of Madi.
Dan and My relationship continued to spiral downward, I think that going through everything that I did helped me to see how really unsupportive he was as a husband... Although he Loved Madi and treated her wonderfully, I cannot say the same about how he treated me.
Finally I received some fabulous treatment (botox in the butt ;) For real, I had botox... Funny, I know! I quit breastfeeding :( but I finally was able to live somewhat pain-free!! Thanks to my Mom who was there for EVERY SINGLE MEDICAL SURGERY AND PROCEDURE that I had this year, she is so awesome, I love her so much!!
As things started to get better, medical wise. I gathered up the strength to face one of my biggest fears... Leaving my husband, with my daghter in the mix! It was tough, but looking back, I know that it will be the best for all of us!
I Continued my pursuit for a God who has been simply Astounding. He has Turned my life upside down and all around, I have hope, in him... and finally we have a relationship like I have always desired to have with him, and it is amazing! Thank you God, thank you for standing by my side, waiting for me all these years, to finally turn to you!
I got a lawyer in September and started court proceedings. For the first time in my life, I live alone (well somewhat anyway... If Madi doesn't count). I got a beautiful apartment in Inver Grove, close to my Mom and church, yay!
I am learning to fully trust Christ. It is a journey and I struggle, stumbling along the way, but God and everyone around me have been lifting me up, so when I do fall, it is short lived, I am lifted up pretty much right away!
The divorce has brought it's ups and downs and we are only at the begining...
Madi is getting more and more beautiful day after day. Haloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas were all a blast with her :) She has so much personality, and I predict that she is going to be a singer some day... she loves to sing already! She has 2 teeth that are popping through now :)
Christmas was amazing! It was my 10th annual Christmas day dinner at the church. Madi and I cooked for it, and it was a blast, great having all of my family there. The opening of gifts afterward at my place was a ton of fun too!
Sooo many more things have happened... I cannot forget about Blogging I started in September. I have also made many mistakes this year, that I hopefully will learn from and not make in the coming year. We are all on a journey, who knows where 2009 will take me!
Welcoming 2009 with open arms...
Love you all
I hope that everyone had a fabulous Christmas, and that you are going to have a wonderful new year.
ps Apparently My Blog is categorized as a 'Top Blog' in Rochester and Minneapolis, little did I know... Thanks to Lynn, I have discovered...
Monday, November 3, 2008
Tumultuous times
are hopefully going to be behind me soon. 2 more days and I am going to be moving into my new place... and I am really getting excited! Yesterday I was noticing how many bruises I have on my legs from all of the hauling of things to and from my car, Including hauling Madi.
Last Thursday I moved from Alyshia's place (because they were moving out of their apt) to Jenny's place. Jenny has been so sweet, she even gave Madi and I her bed! She has a one bedroom apartment in West Saint Paul. So, I really feel as though I have overcome her space with all of my odds and ends of things that I have. Considering nothing is really organized, it looks like I have brought a huge mess of things into her place. It is great to have such supportive Friends!
This weekend was a crazy busy one with costumes, pictures, a baby shower, a wedding shower, packing, and what seemed like so much more! I am amazed at how much I can fit into a weekend. As usual I am tired today, but it is my own fault today! No one can deny that I am a busy person who likes to be on the go (and loves to be social). I am still not feeling very well. I don't know if the flu is just lingering from last week or what but I am really fatigued and was having some stomach/gastrointestinal issues what seemed like all weekend!
We got Madi's 6 month pictures done, although she will be seven months old on the 10th. CT Ryan Studios was just really busy considering it is fall wedding season. I cannot wait to post some of them, it seemed like they are really going to be cute (I will probably get them in about a week or so). She was an adorable little lady bug for Halloween. Dan and I took her to the Harvest Party at church. It was a great time, probably more so for us than for her, LOL. Dan and I are really getting along well and we have been working as a team with Madi, it has been great. We did both her pictures and the harvest party together, as well as packing up the house together, it is definitely an answer to prayer!
As for living my life I pray that this continues to ring true 'For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.' 2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT) . Reading this I know that I am a work in progress. Fully achieving those characteristics seems like it will take an eternity. I am content knowing that God is on my side, and that my heart really desires righteousness.
Last Thursday I moved from Alyshia's place (because they were moving out of their apt) to Jenny's place. Jenny has been so sweet, she even gave Madi and I her bed! She has a one bedroom apartment in West Saint Paul. So, I really feel as though I have overcome her space with all of my odds and ends of things that I have. Considering nothing is really organized, it looks like I have brought a huge mess of things into her place. It is great to have such supportive Friends!
This weekend was a crazy busy one with costumes, pictures, a baby shower, a wedding shower, packing, and what seemed like so much more! I am amazed at how much I can fit into a weekend. As usual I am tired today, but it is my own fault today! No one can deny that I am a busy person who likes to be on the go (and loves to be social). I am still not feeling very well. I don't know if the flu is just lingering from last week or what but I am really fatigued and was having some stomach/gastrointestinal issues what seemed like all weekend!
We got Madi's 6 month pictures done, although she will be seven months old on the 10th. CT Ryan Studios was just really busy considering it is fall wedding season. I cannot wait to post some of them, it seemed like they are really going to be cute (I will probably get them in about a week or so). She was an adorable little lady bug for Halloween. Dan and I took her to the Harvest Party at church. It was a great time, probably more so for us than for her, LOL. Dan and I are really getting along well and we have been working as a team with Madi, it has been great. We did both her pictures and the harvest party together, as well as packing up the house together, it is definitely an answer to prayer!
As for living my life I pray that this continues to ring true 'For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.' 2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT) . Reading this I know that I am a work in progress. Fully achieving those characteristics seems like it will take an eternity. I am content knowing that God is on my side, and that my heart really desires righteousness.
Monday, October 27, 2008
The Deckers
I highly recommend everyone to check out the following blog:
When you click on the link above, read the synopsis, and it will tell you what the blog is all about. I was very touched and transformed by this amazing family who has endured more than I could ever imagine...
Friday, October 17, 2008
What will my future Hold?
“I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.” -Jeremaiah 29:10b-13
I am at peace knowing that God has plans for my life, I am so excited to see what is in store for me! "Lord, I have found you! I give you my life... I so desire to live out the plans that you have for me. "
It feels so good to know that I am moving forward in my journey with God!
I am at peace knowing that God has plans for my life, I am so excited to see what is in store for me! "Lord, I have found you! I give you my life... I so desire to live out the plans that you have for me. "
It feels so good to know that I am moving forward in my journey with God!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Prosthodontist
Cool title for a doctor who makes oral Prostheses! I went and saw him this morning... And to my relief he was much different from the resident that I had been seeing at the Mayo Clinic. Yes, I know that the Mayo is prestigious and all, but I never saw an actual doctor, the only people that I met with were residents (other than the day of surgery, the surgeon who performed the palatal removal, who I have not seen since).
I talked to Dr. Lund, my new prosthodontist, about that today. He apologized immensely for the 'Bad Politics' of big hospitals and/or clinics. He continuously shook his head in disappointment while he asked about all of my experiences (i.e. water, food, and anything else that went into my mouth coming out of my nose... among other things that I had to endure). But it is all behind me now, and I have a great doctor now who was extremely informative and thorough about everything that is going on with my mouth.
Some things are going to be changing, all of them for the good, but there may be some bad affects. My tissue is quite inflamed on my pallet (he said it is similar to gingivitis) due to my mouth piece staying in all the time (which was suggested by the Mao Prosthodontist). So I am going to start removing my mouth piece while I am sleeping at night. The only time I ever remove it is to clean my mouth, or brush my teeth. He said that the tissue will start to change shape and the hole may open a little more, allowing more liquid and food into the nasal canal. But, if that is the case I can call him right away and he will make adjustments to my mouth piece to prevent anything from entering my nose. He did say that the hole will never fully close, but it will probably get very small which is very manageable.
So, it was a great day meeting him. He made some much needed adjustments to my current mouth piece now, and we will wait for all the changes in my mouth to take place before we make a more permanent piece.
I will see him in another two weeks.
I talked to Dr. Lund, my new prosthodontist, about that today. He apologized immensely for the 'Bad Politics' of big hospitals and/or clinics. He continuously shook his head in disappointment while he asked about all of my experiences (i.e. water, food, and anything else that went into my mouth coming out of my nose... among other things that I had to endure). But it is all behind me now, and I have a great doctor now who was extremely informative and thorough about everything that is going on with my mouth.
Some things are going to be changing, all of them for the good, but there may be some bad affects. My tissue is quite inflamed on my pallet (he said it is similar to gingivitis) due to my mouth piece staying in all the time (which was suggested by the Mao Prosthodontist). So I am going to start removing my mouth piece while I am sleeping at night. The only time I ever remove it is to clean my mouth, or brush my teeth. He said that the tissue will start to change shape and the hole may open a little more, allowing more liquid and food into the nasal canal. But, if that is the case I can call him right away and he will make adjustments to my mouth piece to prevent anything from entering my nose. He did say that the hole will never fully close, but it will probably get very small which is very manageable.
So, it was a great day meeting him. He made some much needed adjustments to my current mouth piece now, and we will wait for all the changes in my mouth to take place before we make a more permanent piece.
I will see him in another two weeks.
"What does 'Boundaries' Mean?" you ask...
I am currently in a Bible study with 7 other women reading a book titled Boundaries, written by Cloud and Townsend. This is what it is all about:
(I stole this from Rebekahs blog, I thought it was a great description!)
WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
Boundaries are another way to refer to ownership, or stewardship, or responsibility. Remember the cattle brands of the Old West? Successful ranchers burned a unique marking onto the hide of each cow. It was a good system. If a fence broke, and the animals from neighboring ranches mingled, the owners could easily sort out which animals were theirs and which weren't. Without brands, the confusion over who owned what would have been overwhelming.
Boundaries are our own personal "brand." They're a way for us to identify ownership. They tell us what is ours, and—just as importantly—what isn't. People with poor boundaries find themselves continually taking on problems that aren't theirs and neglecting their own.Boundaries are foundational to a sense of identity. They give us a clear sense of where "who I am" begins and ends.
This is essential for us to be able to love. People who aren't clear about their own thoughts, feelings, values, motivations, and behavior can never be sure if some sacrificial act they are performing for someone else was done freely, or out of a sense of obligation, fear or guilt. (Those acts should be done freely, if they're motivated out of a sense of loving God or others.) Clear boundaries are a gateway to a loving heart.
a little footnote:
Clear boundaries help us decide what is ours, and what isn't. They lead to good stewardship over our lives. Without an accurate sense of our limits and Choices, our lives will resemble "a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways" (James 1:8).
(I stole this from Rebekahs blog, I thought it was a great description!)
WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
Boundaries are another way to refer to ownership, or stewardship, or responsibility. Remember the cattle brands of the Old West? Successful ranchers burned a unique marking onto the hide of each cow. It was a good system. If a fence broke, and the animals from neighboring ranches mingled, the owners could easily sort out which animals were theirs and which weren't. Without brands, the confusion over who owned what would have been overwhelming.
Boundaries are our own personal "brand." They're a way for us to identify ownership. They tell us what is ours, and—just as importantly—what isn't. People with poor boundaries find themselves continually taking on problems that aren't theirs and neglecting their own.Boundaries are foundational to a sense of identity. They give us a clear sense of where "who I am" begins and ends.
This is essential for us to be able to love. People who aren't clear about their own thoughts, feelings, values, motivations, and behavior can never be sure if some sacrificial act they are performing for someone else was done freely, or out of a sense of obligation, fear or guilt. (Those acts should be done freely, if they're motivated out of a sense of loving God or others.) Clear boundaries are a gateway to a loving heart.
a little footnote:
Clear boundaries help us decide what is ours, and what isn't. They lead to good stewardship over our lives. Without an accurate sense of our limits and Choices, our lives will resemble "a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways" (James 1:8).
Thursday, October 2, 2008
While Eating Lunch
So if I had to describe today in one word it would be BUSY! Work is full of stuff to do, and so is life in general. So I needed a lunch break!
Dan and I are going to be doing some fall cleaning this weekend as well as sitting down and getting down to business. We have so many big decisions to make. We are looking at putting our house on the market. A realtor came and checked out our place (last week) and gave us a few different scenarios. Long story short (in order to be on top, financially) we would have to list it at $270,000 and I just feel like that is asking a lot in this market. So, we are checking into refinancing and thinking that Dan may be able to keep the house on his income. It would be tough as is now though, because it is over $2300 a month, CrAzY I know! We need to figure something out soon though. Finances are tight.
To a much funner and brighter topic... My daughter is Awesome!! Seriously, if you don't have a kid, you should, they are so worth it! It is so much more amazing than I could have ever imagined! She ate hard food for the first time this week. At daycare, her Grandma gave her a saltine on Monday 9/29. She LOVED it! So that night I gave her a baby biscuit and she made a huge mess, loving every minute of it and babbling, trying to tell me "Mommy, this is sooo good!"
She is really getting big, she is officially wearing 6-12 month clothing now. When I look at her little baby pics, I think, holy cow I don't even remember her ever being that small. Madi lost all of her hair at about 4 months old and now it is really starting to grow back. Everyday she gets cuter and cuter. I think that she wants more than ever now to be a big girl when she sees Sophia running around the house.
Life is crazy. You really never know what is going to happen... all these changes... I am sort of in a blur at the moment, life seems pretty overbearing at times. Especially the nights without my daughter. But I know (or hope) that in a year I will look back and see that everything worked itself out, it always does eventually work out. There is no need to stress, it really gets us no where in life, it only gives us wrinkles. If only I could listen to my own advice, right?
I have really been pondering everything in life a lot more lately. I think that going through the boundaries book (I go to a group, with 7 other women on Tuesday nights) really helps me to live consciously. I think that a big part of life is really relationship. We are supposed to be here for everyone and everyone is supposed to be here for us. No one would be anywhere without relationships, because when it comes down to it it really is not about what you know it is about who you know.
Although leaving Dan may seem like a contradiction to that whole idea I have discovered that in reality it isn't. I myself am a social person who desires to live for God and love people. Dan on the other hand is a bit more of an introverted private person. My person was really being stifled by Dan's person, as I am a very compliant person (which I am working on, by the way!). I don't know, maybe I am being too analytical or something. I just know in my heart of hearts that I am doing the right thing. My heart says leave Dan and my head says no, but as someone wise once told me 'Never do anything halfheartedly' (especially a marriage). Our minds always lie to us, telling us what we should or shouldn't do. If your heart says no, then don't do it, because otherwise you are doing it halfheartedly. I wish that everyone who was getting married could really follow that truth. If there is ANYTHING in your heart telling you not to get married then you really need to not get married! Period.
Enough said, I will stop ranting. I think that more than anything, I need to write these blogs for myself, so I can be reminded of the truth. It is easier said than done. I really need to take my own advice sometimes. All too often I am looking to others for answers when in reality I know what the answers are! Maybe I am just insecure and looking for confirmation...
ps my mouth feels 100% better, it is amazing how quick the mouth heals. I still have some exposed bone, but nothing like it was. Still haven't heard back regarding the biopsy.
Dan and I are going to be doing some fall cleaning this weekend as well as sitting down and getting down to business. We have so many big decisions to make. We are looking at putting our house on the market. A realtor came and checked out our place (last week) and gave us a few different scenarios. Long story short (in order to be on top, financially) we would have to list it at $270,000 and I just feel like that is asking a lot in this market. So, we are checking into refinancing and thinking that Dan may be able to keep the house on his income. It would be tough as is now though, because it is over $2300 a month, CrAzY I know! We need to figure something out soon though. Finances are tight.
To a much funner and brighter topic... My daughter is Awesome!! Seriously, if you don't have a kid, you should, they are so worth it! It is so much more amazing than I could have ever imagined! She ate hard food for the first time this week. At daycare, her Grandma gave her a saltine on Monday 9/29. She LOVED it! So that night I gave her a baby biscuit and she made a huge mess, loving every minute of it and babbling, trying to tell me "Mommy, this is sooo good!"
She is really getting big, she is officially wearing 6-12 month clothing now. When I look at her little baby pics, I think, holy cow I don't even remember her ever being that small. Madi lost all of her hair at about 4 months old and now it is really starting to grow back. Everyday she gets cuter and cuter. I think that she wants more than ever now to be a big girl when she sees Sophia running around the house.
Life is crazy. You really never know what is going to happen... all these changes... I am sort of in a blur at the moment, life seems pretty overbearing at times. Especially the nights without my daughter. But I know (or hope) that in a year I will look back and see that everything worked itself out, it always does eventually work out. There is no need to stress, it really gets us no where in life, it only gives us wrinkles. If only I could listen to my own advice, right?
I have really been pondering everything in life a lot more lately. I think that going through the boundaries book (I go to a group, with 7 other women on Tuesday nights) really helps me to live consciously. I think that a big part of life is really relationship. We are supposed to be here for everyone and everyone is supposed to be here for us. No one would be anywhere without relationships, because when it comes down to it it really is not about what you know it is about who you know.
Although leaving Dan may seem like a contradiction to that whole idea I have discovered that in reality it isn't. I myself am a social person who desires to live for God and love people. Dan on the other hand is a bit more of an introverted private person. My person was really being stifled by Dan's person, as I am a very compliant person (which I am working on, by the way!). I don't know, maybe I am being too analytical or something. I just know in my heart of hearts that I am doing the right thing. My heart says leave Dan and my head says no, but as someone wise once told me 'Never do anything halfheartedly' (especially a marriage). Our minds always lie to us, telling us what we should or shouldn't do. If your heart says no, then don't do it, because otherwise you are doing it halfheartedly. I wish that everyone who was getting married could really follow that truth. If there is ANYTHING in your heart telling you not to get married then you really need to not get married! Period.
Enough said, I will stop ranting. I think that more than anything, I need to write these blogs for myself, so I can be reminded of the truth. It is easier said than done. I really need to take my own advice sometimes. All too often I am looking to others for answers when in reality I know what the answers are! Maybe I am just insecure and looking for confirmation...
ps my mouth feels 100% better, it is amazing how quick the mouth heals. I still have some exposed bone, but nothing like it was. Still haven't heard back regarding the biopsy.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Does life ever give you a break?
Okay, so I could seriously use a vacation! It has been one crazy year for sure.
After being pregnant, gaining 62 pounds, having a baby, being diagnosed with oral cancer, losing the 62 pounds (yay!) and other issues that I won't go into... It has been a crazy year!
Madi is getting so big, and she is getting funner and funner everyday! She will be 6 months on October 10th. She is quite active as well as interactive. She loves to talk, and I think that she is going to be a singer some day (she loves to squeal and scream for the fun of it). She is sitting up now. I have a feeling that she will walk before she crawls. She is not a belly fan, she would much rather be up on her feet staring the world down. She is going to be a strong willed child, she already is. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, I am sure that Madi will be challenging me every step of the way! I will love her for it though. I know that that will require continued growth. I suppose that God didn't write the Bible for nothing. It seems as though I am always growing in some way, shape, or form. She is eating some solids now, milk just wasn't cutting it any more, which probably expalins the many sleepless nights we have had over the last few months... She is sleeping much better now that I am feeding her cereal at night. She weighs an amazing 18 lbs 4oz!! I know she is quite the healthy baby, right?! But I love every ounce of her. You wouldn't think that she would weigh that much when you see how active she is, but it is better to have a chubby baby than a skinny baby for sure.
The health issues are seeming to get better. Thanks to all of the prayer, support, love, good doctors, and of course God working. I will continue to see the ENT every three months for oncology appointments. I am a little concerned... as the hole in my mouth is healing up I am noticing that there may be another growth. Hopefully it is just extra tisse that we won't have to worry about. I am just a little nervous. I hope to never again go through the invasive surgery that
left a hole in my pallet! I know for sure that there is extra tissue growth on my pallet that will need to be codarized (sp) per my conversation with the ENT about a month ago. It will be 3 months post surgery on Oct. 1st, which means I can finally get my permanent mouth peice. I am no longer going to Mayo as I have transferred all of my postoperative care to the Twin Cities. I will be going to the ENT today at 2:30pm I will be sure to keep everyone updated if there is any new news. (this pictures is two weeks post surgery, it looks a ton better now, I will get a current picture and post it soon so everyone can see. keep in mind I was very sick when it was taken, LOL, it isn't that great of a picute of me :)As for home life, it is a little, well... Unstable for now. But it is as stable as can be. I am living with my girlfreind Alyshia, we are good freinds from High school. She and Nick, as well as their baby Sophia, have welcomed Madi and Me into their home with open arms. I don't think she knows truly how thankful I am for all of her support.
Things on the homefront with Dan were just getting to be too much for me. It was totally my choice to leave, I just was not happy with where things in our marriage were. I know that if I was to stay (which would be a lot easier to do) nothing would ever change. Dan and I are just on two totally different pages. We are very different people with very different aspriations in life. I am just taking it one day at a time, praying about it, and I am at peace knowing that God will work it all out in the end. If I was to have stayed I just feel as though I would be enabling things to stay the same, and there would have been no healthy change in either of our lives if that was the case. The last thing that I wanted was for Madi to have to be affected negatively by my lack of choosing to move forward in life. I want her to see what a healthy marriage looks like, not a disfunctional one. I take full responsibility for it not going the way God had planned. People make bad choices and they don't define who we are, we choose to learn and grow from them, and that is where I am at right now. I am facing the consequences of some choices that I have made in the past which may have not been the best choices to make. So there it is, I am deffinetly feeling a tad bit overwhelmed but also relieved at the same time, sort of an oximoron (sp) isn't it?
After going through all that I have this year I really feel as though I have learned a lot. There are two things that go hand in hand that really stick out to me though, 'we need to live life to the fullest' and 'life really is fragile', I know that maybe it sounds a little cliche but it is so true. If everyone were to live their lives with those things in mind this world truly would be a better place.
So as I have always looked to the truth, it says in James 1:2-4 "Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything." It is funny because I have always considered this to be my "life verse" (it was my senior quote in the yearbook) but it rings true more now than ever in my life. So, thank you God for all of these tough times, I know in my heart that you are just forming my life to reflect a stronger person who totally needs to depend on you. It is quite humbling really, when you think about it. We really aren't in control, are we??
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