Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Relationships sometimes seem impossible! I find myself dreading any form of confrontation. And it seems that all day yesterday what happened in a couple of my relationships, was confrontation. Naturally I want to respond with defending myself, and/or giving an explanation for the situation at hand. But then I am reminded (after the fact, of course) that only someone who is guilty needs defense! So why, when people are not guilty, do they feel the need to defend themselves?? I think that it is because we are trying to please them, which is taking responsibility for them. I have discovered over the past few months that I all too often am taking responsibility for everyone else but me! Horrible, I know. I blame everyone else for my feelings of inadequacy, or even for some behaviors that are not all that great, when in reality I need to be responsible for them myself.
Do you ever find yourself wanting to change someones mood, attitude, opinion of you... and so on? Well, I do. But, I know that it is not healthy. When we are doing that we are trying to take responsibility for that person. I am learning that we are not responsible for anyone but ourselves. We need to be responsible to everyone (like telling them the truth in love) but we are never responsible for anyone! I know that it may sound complicated, but it really made a lot of sense once I grasped it, and it is life changing and freeing!
"Learning how to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to own yourself, of learning to respect yourself, of learning to love yourself. If you never have to set a boundary, then you will never get in touch with who you really are - will never learn to define yourself in a healthy way.
No one deserves to be treated abusively. No one deserves to be lied to and betrayed.
We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If you do not respect yourself, if you do not start awakening to your right to be treated with respect and dignity (and your responsibility in creating that in your life) - then you will be more comfortable being involved with people who abuse you then with people who treat you in loving ways.
Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love yourself, and to communicating to other's that you have worth."
I am convicted, because all too often I try to do what people want me to do. I try to please them by acting a certain way or saying a certain thing aka 'People Pleaser'! Doesn't that seem hard! Well, it is. Sometimes I don't know who I am... I think that that goes hand in hand with trying to do everything that everyone wants me to do. Being wishy-washy is never a good thing, it isn't fair to yourselves or those around you. Like I said previously, you can NEVER have a healthy relationship with someone who cannot define themselves as being their own person. It sort of reminds me of some people who don't have physical boundaries who are in your face and stepping all over your toes, which is not a very pretty picture.
So, maybe I am a little over analytical when all is said and done. Sometimes I just feel like life takes a little more effort than what we as people put forth. Typically we just do what we were taught, the same things that our parents did. In my case that is not the life that I want, my Mom doesn't want that life for me either. She lived her life never standing up for herself or respecting her wishes and desires. Now she does, she is sooo much healthier now. And now that she is older and has dealt with many issues from her past. She now truly knows who she is, and what she wants in life and she is happy and has healthy relationships!
I have said it before and I will say it again, I need to live more consciously! I also need to remember that life is not a piece of cake. All of my hardships are not over, I will continue to face challenging things in life. But I need to do it with joy (easier said than done, trust me, I know).
"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 NLT
"...And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another even as God in Christ forgave you." - Ephesians 4:32
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
So, I just had to make the announcement, because you know me, I am as happy as can be when it comes to babies. Not only that she is my best friend, and I cannot wait to experience this with her.
So Congrats to April and Sean. It will be a totally different experience for me, now that I have my own baby and went through my own pregnancy I am going to see hers in a whole new light. I cannot wait!
Monday, October 20, 2008
So, I briefly checked out an online symptom checker and it led me to believe that it could have to do with my adrenal insufficiencies (that I dealt with post surgery this July). So, I made an appointment with Dr. Harold Katz, who was my endocrinologist at John Nasseffs Heart Hospital. I have put it off anyway, I was supposed to go in for further testing with him in August, to check my cortisol levels and such. I just feel like I have lived at the hospital/clinic this year, but I might as well go and get it all over with before a new year, with new deductibles, begins...
I am seriously going to pick up some Vitamin C today after work, overdose on it, hoping that it will make me feel better. Then I am going to take a nap, if Madi lets me :)
Speaking of Madi...she is so cute, it seems like she is always going through some sort of discovery, right now it seems like she is discovering her tongue. She loves to see how far she can stick it out, she is so adorable and energetic she makes me smile all the time. She is wearing clothes as big as 12 months right now. It just blows my mind because I can remember when she was too small for her new born clothes! Her feet are still pretty small though, if they weren't so wide she could wear a size one, so she is in a size two because of the width of her foot right now. She has been bouncing about in her new tennies that I bought her this weekend. I wouldn't be surprised if she was an early walker, she hates sitting, all she ever want to do is stand, or jump around.
We went to the doctor and he was pretty sure that it is thrush, as of this morning we decided to start her on the meds for it. At the doctor she got weighed in... *drum roll* 18 pounds 10.5 Ounces, I was surprised! I honestly thought that she weighed more. I guess I just maybe need to work on my arm strength or something, because lifting that car seat in and out of the car, up and down the stairs is a TON of work!
Dan and I had a good day yesterday, packing up everything in our basement. It was great because when we aren't fighting, we really get along well! We have decided that we are going to try to work through everything as amicably as possible. Along with packing we went and did a 'Change of Responsibility' at T Mobile, so now we have separate accounts... It is actually a lot cheaper for the both of us now, believe it or not. I got the Fave Fives plan, so it will be fun to discover the 5 people that I talk the most too.
I am anxiously awaiting November 5th! I cannot wait to move into our new place.
Friday, October 17, 2008
I posted this on my Yahoo support group: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/analfissure/messages?o=1
In April I had a baby, which left me in severe pain! I found out 5 doctors later that I had 3 anal fissures. Long story short, A friend of mine introduced me to this group, and I received some wonderful advice!
I am just going to list what I feel helped me, and maybe it can help some of you out there looking for some answers:
-Quit breastfeeding. Obviously men and women who this doesn't pertain to, disregard this one. But for those of you that this pertain to: I think that this was a biggee for me. Yes, it was tough, I loved breastfeeding my Daughter. If I was to do it over again though I would have stopped sooner, becuase I am sure that I was putting large amounts of stress and anxiety on my baby due to the sever pain that I was having. I think that it really cause some dehydration issues.
-Quit taking prenatal vitamins. They do the opposite effect of softners.
-Miralax, Miralax, Miralax! This I suggest anyone suffering from fissures to try! I should do a commercial for them, although it would probably be TMI for all of the consumers out there. NO, but seriously, I take 17mg every night! The stuff is amazing. My pain lessened drastically very shortly after I started taking it regularly, and I mean regularly, I never miss taking it.
-Benefiber. I don't take it religiously or anything but I know that it does help keep things soft.
-Lots and lots of water!! And I think that that explains itself...
-Botox injections. I don't think that I necessarily would have needed this if I would have done [the things listed above] sooner. But I am sure that the botox helped as well. I was originally scheduled for the Lateral Internal Sphincterotomy, in sheer desperation for some pain relief, but I am sooo glad that I changed my mind last minute.
So, thank you everyone for all of the support! I really needed it. There were times where I genuinely wanted to die, instead of go to the bathroom. I even went on anti-anxiety meds! I just felt like NO ONE understood the pain that I was going through!! When I joined this site, it put me at ease knowing that I was not alone! So, thank you thank you thank you!! Words cannot express my gratitude. I am feeling much better, not 100% yet, but things are manageable now, and I don't have anxiety attacks anymore when I have to go to the bathroom (I have to thank everyone who was there for me, when I called in a state of panic, LOL).
And to all of those who are suffering there are brighter days ahead, I know at times it seems extremely unbearable (by a few women also dealing with fissures I have heard that it is 10 times worse than labor. I had an epidural so I cannot attest to that... but it was much worse than any pain I have ever experienced in my lifetime!) And it may seem like you are going to be in pain for the rest of your life... But things will get better!
So, off to the doctor we will be going today.
PS I am so sad, this is Dans weekend, I am going to miss her to death!
I am at peace knowing that God has plans for my life, I am so excited to see what is in store for me! "Lord, I have found you! I give you my life... I so desire to live out the plans that you have for me. "
It feels so good to know that I am moving forward in my journey with God!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I talked to Dr. Lund, my new prosthodontist, about that today. He apologized immensely for the 'Bad Politics' of big hospitals and/or clinics. He continuously shook his head in disappointment while he asked about all of my experiences (i.e. water, food, and anything else that went into my mouth coming out of my nose... among other things that I had to endure). But it is all behind me now, and I have a great doctor now who was extremely informative and thorough about everything that is going on with my mouth.
Some things are going to be changing, all of them for the good, but there may be some bad affects. My tissue is quite inflamed on my pallet (he said it is similar to gingivitis) due to my mouth piece staying in all the time (which was suggested by the Mao Prosthodontist). So I am going to start removing my mouth piece while I am sleeping at night. The only time I ever remove it is to clean my mouth, or brush my teeth. He said that the tissue will start to change shape and the hole may open a little more, allowing more liquid and food into the nasal canal. But, if that is the case I can call him right away and he will make adjustments to my mouth piece to prevent anything from entering my nose. He did say that the hole will never fully close, but it will probably get very small which is very manageable.
So, it was a great day meeting him. He made some much needed adjustments to my current mouth piece now, and we will wait for all the changes in my mouth to take place before we make a more permanent piece.
I will see him in another two weeks.
(I stole this from Rebekahs blog, I thought it was a great description!)
WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
Boundaries are another way to refer to ownership, or stewardship, or responsibility. Remember the cattle brands of the Old West? Successful ranchers burned a unique marking onto the hide of each cow. It was a good system. If a fence broke, and the animals from neighboring ranches mingled, the owners could easily sort out which animals were theirs and which weren't. Without brands, the confusion over who owned what would have been overwhelming.
Boundaries are our own personal "brand." They're a way for us to identify ownership. They tell us what is ours, and—just as importantly—what isn't. People with poor boundaries find themselves continually taking on problems that aren't theirs and neglecting their own.Boundaries are foundational to a sense of identity. They give us a clear sense of where "who I am" begins and ends.
This is essential for us to be able to love. People who aren't clear about their own thoughts, feelings, values, motivations, and behavior can never be sure if some sacrificial act they are performing for someone else was done freely, or out of a sense of obligation, fear or guilt. (Those acts should be done freely, if they're motivated out of a sense of loving God or others.) Clear boundaries are a gateway to a loving heart.
a little footnote:
Clear boundaries help us decide what is ours, and what isn't. They lead to good stewardship over our lives. Without an accurate sense of our limits and Choices, our lives will resemble "a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways" (James 1:8).
Friday, October 10, 2008
I originally posted this blog on myspace.
Tuesday July 15th 2008
I had just gotten out of the hospital and it was 2 weeks post surgery. It is amazing to see how far I have come. I was so severly sick when I was hospitalized that at one point the doctors had to escort visitors out of my room because it was causing to much stress for me. They told my Mom that they are lucky they didn't lose me, My poor Mom has been thgough so much this year, with the loss of Grandpa, and then all of this!
Tuesday July 18th 2008
"First and foremost THANK YOU EVERYONE for all of your prayers! Typing is tough to do I have one bad case of Vertigo and the keyboard doesn't help. So, I am going to try and make this quick...
after oral suregry, as many of you know, I didin't do too well. I ended up in the ICU at United Hospital. My heart rate, blood pressure, chemical balance and everything was out of whack. My body was severely dehydrated and acidotic, and all I could do was vomit. I am dealing with some adrenal insufficiencies, which they discovered while I was in the hospital (you can look it up if you need to know more, google is amazing). Then after a few days I stabalized (I could finally leave the bed to go to the bathroom is what mean by this! horrible! I know) and I was admitted into the cardiac ICU where they worked on bring my resting heart rate from 170 down to 80...I was so sick I felt like I was going to die. It is weird coming back into the real world, a little overwhelming...
I was released on Sunday I think it was July 13th... after being there for a week (I had great doctors and nurses taking care of me, I can't wait to feel better so I can go back and thank them all) I am feeling better but I am still pretty sick and bed riddin. The hardest thing has been not being able to take care of my baby : ( it brings tears to my eyes when I think of it.
as for my mouth, what there is left of it anyway, I was amazed when it was revealed to me. You can see the inside of my nose when you look inside my mouth, so everything that I eat and drink go up and out of every hole that there is in there, It does feel a lot better now that I don't have the mouth piece wired to my jaw, that was so painful! It is still really hard to eat and drink though. I can't wait for it to heal up a little bit. I am still adjusting to these changes, it is tough.
please be praying, if you would I would really appreciate it:
for the Vertigo to go away (I am so sick and dizzy, it feels like I am severely intoxicated) I know that the inner ear is swollen and causing these symptoms
for the pain from the surgery, I will be getting a new prosthetic mouth piece (hopefully tomorrow) The current one hurts and is really uncomfortable
that the healing process would be fast
for the production of the adrenal glands to produce the chemicals that my body needs to heal.
that Madi wouldn't be affected negatively by everything that is going on.
and for the overall health, well-being and finances for my family and me...Times are hard but I have faith that God is going to work in my life and everything will be okay!!
I will try to keep everyone updated...Miss you all
PS as far as I know all the cancer was removed, hopefully for good! I will be following up with mayo every 3 months for the next few years to watch for new growths, and to be sure that no more cancer appears."
And now Here I am today Oct 2008 and I feel sooo much better! God does answer prayer!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
2. Madilynns smile
3. River Heights vineyard
4. The color Pink
5. Outflow, the book
6. A supportive family
7. The Ocean
8. Wonderful friends
9. a sunny summer day
PS I had to add a few more
11. The NLT
12. my Mom
13. anticipation for something exciting
14. when my phone rings
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Wow! Now that is loaded with truth, isn't it?
If only I read my bible a little more... Maybe I could grow a little more, a little faster.
The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.
I am so reassured! It feels great to know that he is my restorer, there is relief in knowing that I don't have to depend on this world, or even on myself for that matter.
Erin Benedict sent me this word of encouragement, and I greatly appreciate it!
I have a sense of peace through this tumultuous time, because I know that God is in control.
When I woke up this morning I put on my armor of God (Eph 6:10-18), I am trying to live a little more aware of everything around me.
Today is a good day already, I feel very hopeful for my future!
Monday, October 6, 2008
I went apartment hunting on Saturday and found a place. It is great! It is Blackberry Pointe in Inver Grove Heights. It is in the perfect location and the apartment itself is beautiful. They are fairly new apartments, which is nice because the layouts (and conditons) are very nice. I plan on moving in the first week of November! Can't wait...
So, I am pretty sure that I have sleep insomnia. I have a tough time sleeping at night. I wake up atleast once an hour, so needless to say I am pretty exhausted, most of the time all I want to do is sleep. So, off to the doctor I need to go, if anyone has any suggestions in regards to this issue feel free to give me some advice. I think that a big reason for the "Insomnia" or whatever you want to call it, is being a Mom. I am just always concerned about Madi, every time I wake up I have to check on her to make sure that she is doing okay. Maybe a sleeping pill would help take the edge off.
And for those of you who know about my issues below (with chilbirth complications) things are getting better. I feel as though the surgical procedure that I had done about a month ago really helped along with some other regimens that I have been doing. Some days are worse than others, but overall I am doing much better (I don't have an anxiety attack anymore when I have to go to the bathroom...). I will be going to the OB soon to discuss the surgical revision, she just wanted me to get some of my other medical issues addressed before we did surgery. Not only that, when I do have surgery I am going to need to be out of work for atleast 10 days, so I want to have everything all set up to work from home. So I am going to wait until I move in to my new place.
Thanks to everyone for all of your encouragement and support, you have all been wonderful, through this tough year (this is going to be a quite historical year in my book, lots of changes...)
ps Madilynn is going to be 6 months on October 10th, I can't beleive that she is already half a year old!! She will be walking in about 6 more months, tiome really flies by when you are having fun.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
So, I heard from the grape vine... That I "Bashed" Dan's parenting skills and posted our "Financial statement" on my blog. It just really frustrates me that in a sensitive and vulnerable time like this people have to spread rumors like these. I immeciately decided to re-read my blog to see if I was in the wrong. The only things that I have posted on my blog, from what I read, were truths, and they are my perspective of my life. It sounds like something that was not truthful (ie A LIE!) got back to him!! It sounds like there is a little bit of gossip going on. And wether or not someone thinks that they are being helpful in this situation, I think that more than anything they are being harmful, and not even to me, but to Dan! Dan was devastated when someone told him that I bashed him as a father (which I had to tell him was totally hear say by the way, he hasn't even read the blog himself). In no way shape or form would I ever say that Dan is a bad father! Actually I think that he is a wonderful father! When I was in the hospital he really proved that! He stepped up to the plate and became an amazing doting father, in the midst of all of our struggles at the time via health issues and marital issues. I know that he loves Madilynn with all of his heart and would never mean to cause her harm.
As for the "Financial Statement" comment... Dan is a private person and he has pretty much told everyone that I know how much our mortgage is. If that is being too informative and people are offended by this, please don't read my blog, or atleast have the courage, if you feel the need to say something, confront me about this situation instead of gossiping.
I am by no means saying that I am perfect! Maybe I could have worded some things differently, and if that is the case, I appologize. My goal is to Keep a wonderful relationship with Dan, no matter what the outcome. I never would wish to slander his name... and why would I do that? It would be insulting to me, in fact He is the father to our child, and for what it is worth, he still means a lot to me, and I do love and care for him and his well being.
For those of you who do not know the full extent of our situation, I want you to know that this is not our first separation. I have attempted in the previous separation(s) to address our issues but the attempt was not reciprocated. There were things that needed to change that have not changed. I feel as though those things would be innappropriate to discuss on my blog, for the same reasons that I have discussed before. My goal is to keep a healthy relationship with Dan, for the sake of all of us, Our families, and our daughter included!
So please, don't go and gossip to Dan, It only hurts him, Me, and Madi. He is more than welcome to read my blog. I am keeping none of this a secret from him, I am trying more than ever to live my life transparrently, by being honest with myself and others.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Dan and I are going to be doing some fall cleaning this weekend as well as sitting down and getting down to business. We have so many big decisions to make. We are looking at putting our house on the market. A realtor came and checked out our place (last week) and gave us a few different scenarios. Long story short (in order to be on top, financially) we would have to list it at $270,000 and I just feel like that is asking a lot in this market. So, we are checking into refinancing and thinking that Dan may be able to keep the house on his income. It would be tough as is now though, because it is over $2300 a month, CrAzY I know! We need to figure something out soon though. Finances are tight.
To a much funner and brighter topic... My daughter is Awesome!! Seriously, if you don't have a kid, you should, they are so worth it! It is so much more amazing than I could have ever imagined! She ate hard food for the first time this week. At daycare, her Grandma gave her a saltine on Monday 9/29. She LOVED it! So that night I gave her a baby biscuit and she made a huge mess, loving every minute of it and babbling, trying to tell me "Mommy, this is sooo good!"
She is really getting big, she is officially wearing 6-12 month clothing now. When I look at her little baby pics, I think, holy cow I don't even remember her ever being that small. Madi lost all of her hair at about 4 months old and now it is really starting to grow back. Everyday she gets cuter and cuter. I think that she wants more than ever now to be a big girl when she sees Sophia running around the house.
Life is crazy. You really never know what is going to happen... all these changes... I am sort of in a blur at the moment, life seems pretty overbearing at times. Especially the nights without my daughter. But I know (or hope) that in a year I will look back and see that everything worked itself out, it always does eventually work out. There is no need to stress, it really gets us no where in life, it only gives us wrinkles. If only I could listen to my own advice, right?
I have really been pondering everything in life a lot more lately. I think that going through the boundaries book (I go to a group, with 7 other women on Tuesday nights) really helps me to live consciously. I think that a big part of life is really relationship. We are supposed to be here for everyone and everyone is supposed to be here for us. No one would be anywhere without relationships, because when it comes down to it it really is not about what you know it is about who you know.
Although leaving Dan may seem like a contradiction to that whole idea I have discovered that in reality it isn't. I myself am a social person who desires to live for God and love people. Dan on the other hand is a bit more of an introverted private person. My person was really being stifled by Dan's person, as I am a very compliant person (which I am working on, by the way!). I don't know, maybe I am being too analytical or something. I just know in my heart of hearts that I am doing the right thing. My heart says leave Dan and my head says no, but as someone wise once told me 'Never do anything halfheartedly' (especially a marriage). Our minds always lie to us, telling us what we should or shouldn't do. If your heart says no, then don't do it, because otherwise you are doing it halfheartedly. I wish that everyone who was getting married could really follow that truth. If there is ANYTHING in your heart telling you not to get married then you really need to not get married! Period.
Enough said, I will stop ranting. I think that more than anything, I need to write these blogs for myself, so I can be reminded of the truth. It is easier said than done. I really need to take my own advice sometimes. All too often I am looking to others for answers when in reality I know what the answers are! Maybe I am just insecure and looking for confirmation...
ps my mouth feels 100% better, it is amazing how quick the mouth heals. I still have some exposed bone, but nothing like it was. Still haven't heard back regarding the biopsy.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Read, enjoy, and send some feedback my way if you feel inclined to do so...
Caring for Myself FIRST
Make a Difference
Power of Love
Some are a Breeze
Need a Break