Thursday, August 27, 2009

I Miss my Baby!

As I was getting ready for work this morning all Madi wanted to do was to be held close in my arms! I love her, and she has been a little clingier than usual, wanting to be with me more and more - yesterday everytime I stood up she would start crying like I was going to be leaving her or something...

I am sorta sad because I really really want to be there with her and for her every second of the day. This morning was rough leaving her. Madi didn't want me to leave... the tears and screams were hard to resist and I probably held her too long, which made it harder... I won't see her until next Monday :(

5 days... really!? That is so hard, to go that long without seeing my little cutie! I just {still} don't understand why the courts would suggest a 5 day period without me seeing my little girl! I really am missing her right now...

Please say a prayer for the whole situation... The divorce isn't final yet, Child Support still hasn't been agreed upon. Dan does not want to make any changes to the schedule, which conflicts with my schooling. Childcare also seems to be a promising issue - we will see. Honestly, I just really want all of this to be over, and I want us to both be able to see our baby, but 5 days is way too long of a duration to go for either of us...

Friday, August 21, 2009

Thank-Full Friday

I am thank-{FULL} for:

...Madi, my beautiful baby

...My Job as Operations Mananger for Groom Construction

...Health and Hapiness

...The beauty that surrounds me

... For great friends and family

...A beautiful home, to call my own!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

200 later

My Mom will tell you that I was born an adult - 'Responsible, and ready to take on the world...' and in some ways she is right, but I haven't always felt that way in every sense...
I am just a girl, and I think that I will always be 'Just a girl'. My Mom is a fabulous woman, who has made her fair share of mistakes - as we all have - in some ways I followed her footsteps and in other ways I deliberately became everything that she was not - you know how the saying goes about being like your 'Mom'.

I was unplanned for sure, conceived one night after 18 months of separation during the divorce process, I may have been an accident, but God obviously had some different plans! I believe that I was meant to be, That is my idea and I am sticking to it.

I am a sister, a daughter, and a Mother who has experienced so much in such a short life of 24 years and 191 days. I was born to a single Mom, who was in college, I was her second of three children and that is where my story began. My life as a kid was pretty unstable, which leaves me to say that there is no simple way to explain where and what my childhood was like, I have so many different recollections of what life looked like, and to be honest it is hard for me to know what happened when, I just have all of these memories floating around, and they make up and define who I am today...

Drugs, abuse and instability is what I grew up experiencing. I would never want to relive my childhood, but I wouldn't change it, only because I am happy with who I am today... I will say though that although I grew up in utter chaos, I felt like there is one thing that I never lacked, and it was Love - whether it came from my Mom, My Grandma, or My Sister - it was there, and I truly believe that as a human, that is the one thing that is necessary for healthy survival.

As I approached the 200th post I really began to recollect this whole blogging process, it has been truly amazing. There is something so liberating about spilling to the world your heart and your emotions, putting yourself out there in such a vulnerable way, and with it has come growth for me, it has been a great endeavor this past year writing what is on my mind.

So I have decided to re-post something that I feel really captures my life in a little nutshell of 100 words - it was a brilliant idea, and I thought about writing a 200 word autobiography but decided against it, because it was so well written in 100 words...

So here it is My 100 Word Autobiography

Unplanned pregnancy, Mom wanted me.
Loving Grandparents. Tumultuous times.
Addicted Father, passive Mother.
Mom remarried - Drug addicted Stepfather.
Drug raid, Foster home, Mother in jail.
Life spiraled downward. Hardships galore.
Instability. I Attempted perfection, wanted control.
Mom finally left him.
We were free.
Mother depressed.
Light appeared, Jesus - Glimmer of hope.
Moved to Minnesota. Alone. Depressed.
Found guy. Wanted Stability. Very abusive…finally left.
Broken. Hurt. Rebounded, met another Man. Married. Turned from God again.
Felt imprisoned.
Pregnancy. Struggle. Had a BEAUTIFUL BABY!
Cancer discovered. Marriage failing. Ultimatum, then Divorce.
Starting over, Serving Jesus… Taking one step at a time.

Please Excuse the Dust!

Blog Remodeling Taking Place! Sorry for the inconvenience.

Thank you

Monday, August 17, 2009

Busy, Busy... too busy to add a third busy...

So being a HUGE socialite, working full-time, and being a Mom, as well as sooo many other things- I have been ridiculously busy - which I am sure is needless to say, but I am saying it anyway. Maybe my schedule needs to take a doesn't happen often that I have a free night available, and my schedule is booked out about two weeks - I know it sounds like my life is a business, right?!
My spirits are a little down at the moment, only because I miss my little girl. we have been on the go and doing stuff all summer that I feel as though I haven't had a moment to sit down, look her in her beautiful eyes and tell her how I love her oh so much. It has been fast paced and I just want to have some much needed quality time with my Baby Girl! So I have decided that Madi is my Priority from now on, she will be my nightly event and I am going to put her name in everyday on my calendar! I feel like I have been a neglectful Mom, not necessarily a bad Mom, but I haven't been being the Mom that I really Want to be... A Mom who pays attention to ALL of the small things, a Mom who is there at any needed moment, a Mom who has time to adore all of the precious moments of her fast paced life... I love her, and she is already 16 months, I don't want to miss any of this time that I have with her!

Being a Mom is my TOP priority.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Stupid is a relative term...

"Stupid is as stupid does."

Are we really defined by our choices? Am I a stupid person because I am defined as making stupid decisions or acting stupid once in a while?? I would say that we are not defined by our choices... just because I may do stupid things doesn't make me a stupid person.

If we were defined by our 'stupid' actions I believe that we would ALL, yes ALL - meaning everyone - would be defined as being stupid. Look at the definition here:

(stpd, sty-)
adj. stu·pid·er, stu·pid·est
1. Slow to learn or understand; obtuse.
2. Tending to make poor decisions or careless mistakes.
3. Marked by a lack of intelligence or care; foolish or careless: a stupid mistake.
4. Dazed, stunned, or stupefied.
5. Pointless; worthless: a stupid job.

Can you think of anyone who hasn't been 'Stupid'?? Well, I can't... don't we all define stupid once in a while?

Just a thought, figured I would blog about what was on my crazy mind. I know, I am weird! what can I say... Maybe I define stupid once in awhile.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Beauty is in your eye, in your heart

There is beauty in everything, sometimes we see it and sometimes we don't... just open your eyes and look a little harder.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Life is great

My outlook today is amazing for some reason... I must have woken up on the right side of the bed! it probably helps that things in life right now are going really well, I do love being in a happy mood, I think that I am going to choose to be happy more often!

I am feeling quite inspirational today, and my mind is racing from one place to another with some fabulous thoughts, I just don't know how to get them out in a verbal way, so I will just smile and keep them to myself for once!

I got a promotion, I am officially now the Operations Manager for Groom Construction, I am so excited! I feel appreciated, and I feel like working my little-big tush off for this company!