Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The last day in 2008

December 31st, 2008... Can you believe it?? The older you get the faster time flies by!

So, Happy New Year's Eve everyone, hope that it is fabulous for you all. I am working a half day today, Oh how I wish I could be sleeping in this morning. After the 1 hour and 40 minute commute home yesterday I am in need of a break, good thing I have tomorrow off. Snow snow snow... oh and cold, is what the Minnesota winter consists of. It is 8 below zero right now, burrr.

I have been pondering about resolutions and such and have decided that my resolution is going to be giving more and more of my life to God, I will do what he wants of me in 2009... In previous years, this one included, I haven't lived that way at all. So, 'Here I am God! Use me as you will'.

Here is the updated picture of my mouth that I have been promising everyone, sorry about the blurriness it is hard when you are your own photographer, all of the other ones gave you a scary nostril shot and I didn't want you to be more grossed out than you already had to be :)!

Red: how big the hole was right after surgery
Blue: Where the hole is now, much much smaller, this one is the actual fistula that is open into the nasal canal
green: some small surface holes that are closing up, they aren't open into the nasal canal

It has been hurting a lot lately, it is just still tender I think... It keeps changing shape in there so I really never know what to expect. It is a little lumpy in places, I don't think that the photo captured that too well. My mouth piece doesn't fit again... But when I go to the ENT again I am sure that he will have good news telling me that this is all normal and expected.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Lemmondrops - Sweet and Sour stories of life, love, and little ones

Maybe I am a little post-aholic right now but I didn't want to pass this up.

I came across a devastating story... very encouraging though. I am continuously reminded of how truly blessed I am day in and day out. Read Emilie's blog, as she battled Cancer and kept a positive attitude through it all, even knowing that she would be leaving her babies and husband behind. She passed Christmas Eve, You can leave her husband and family some encouraging words, as well as be praying for them. They live in Saint Paul.

Thank you for taking the time

Reminiscing on 2008

Some amazing things have happened this year, both Wonderful and some a little Overwhelming and not so great... I have decided to enter into the new year with Joy in my heart (as Rebekah put it). Thank you everyone for all of the support that you have given me this year, I truly don't know where I would be without my wonderful friends, Family, Church, and Most of all My Savior - Jesus Christ!

As 2008 began I was very pregnant, 50 pounds worth...LOL. I was so eager to have my daughter in my arms already.

At the end of January, the long awaited and anticipated move happened!! My sister April, Her Husband Sean, and their Four Beautiful Children made the long haul from sunny California to snowy Minnesota. I am thrilled looking back at this year, seeing how much joy they bring to my life. April is the best sister and best friend that I could have ever wished for!!

In February I turned a whopping 23 years old, I know to some that is young, but to me it is Old, and as a matter-of-fact it is the oldest that I have ever been! But with age comes respect and I deffinetly enjoy that aspect of being 23!

I was trying to work on my marriage. To hold it together... Dan and I took the marriage course at the church. It was amazingly tough, we really discovered how different we really are during that time. On occasion he would go intoxicated, and it was very hard for me.

A tumor was growing in my mouth, so I saw an oral surgeon and was told the it was a 'Pregnancy Granuloma', that it should go away post-partum.

April 10th of 2008 was a life changing day for me! My gorgeous Daughter Madilynn Paige was born at 8:20 pm, weighing in at 7lbs 3 oz (not 62 pounds!! so why did I gain that much?!) and she was 19.5 inches, oh how my little baby has grown! I never knew that I could have so much love for someone... But I do! She has been a gift from God, to open my eyes, to what is really important in life.

Dan and I struggled, as he continued to drink (it actually increased during April-June, I have financial statements to prove it). I was torn... I felt obligated to my vows, but my heart was torn. The last thing that I ever wanted for my daughter was the childhood that I had, with a parent dealing with substance addictions... and having to deal with the consequences that come along with those addictions.

After Madi, I discovered that I had a lovely case of Fissures (which took quite a while to diagnose) The colorectal Surgeon finally confirmed my situation! I won't get into too much detail But I will say that I was living in pain for the first 6 months of Madi's life because of them...

7 weeks postpartum the tumor that had grown on the pallet in my mouth had not disappeared it had actually changed in shape, grew larger and the color changed as well. So I went back to the oral surgeon, they, to my surpirise, removed it. I was awake, and it wasn't a fun experience! They reassured my that it looked benign and that I had nothing to worry about...

A week later, I was told that I had Mucoepidermoid Carcinoma... WhAt?! 'Are you kidding me?!' I thought that it was benign!!

July First I had surgery, to remove it, at Mayo Clinic... I was left with a huge hole in my mouth, ouch, that wasn't fun. Following the surgery I got very sick and ended up in the Cardiac ICU. Everything that I ate and drank came out of my nose, it was really tough getting used to it!

By 10 weeks postpartum I had thankfully lost all of my 62 pounds, YAY!

My mouth continued to heal, but my bottom end didn't. It seemed like I had endless cases of medical issues, following the birth of Madi.

Dan and My relationship continued to spiral downward, I think that going through everything that I did helped me to see how really unsupportive he was as a husband... Although he Loved Madi and treated her wonderfully, I cannot say the same about how he treated me.

Finally I received some fabulous treatment (botox in the butt ;) For real, I had botox... Funny, I know! I quit breastfeeding :( but I finally was able to live somewhat pain-free!! Thanks to my Mom who was there for EVERY SINGLE MEDICAL SURGERY AND PROCEDURE that I had this year, she is so awesome, I love her so much!!

As things started to get better, medical wise. I gathered up the strength to face one of my biggest fears... Leaving my husband, with my daghter in the mix! It was tough, but looking back, I know that it will be the best for all of us!

I Continued my pursuit for a God who has been simply Astounding. He has Turned my life upside down and all around, I have hope, in him... and finally we have a relationship like I have always desired to have with him, and it is amazing! Thank you God, thank you for standing by my side, waiting for me all these years, to finally turn to you!

I got a lawyer in September and started court proceedings. For the first time in my life, I live alone (well somewhat anyway... If Madi doesn't count). I got a beautiful apartment in Inver Grove, close to my Mom and church, yay!

I am learning to fully trust Christ. It is a journey and I struggle, stumbling along the way, but God and everyone around me have been lifting me up, so when I do fall, it is short lived, I am lifted up pretty much right away!

The divorce has brought it's ups and downs and we are only at the begining...

Madi is getting more and more beautiful day after day. Haloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas were all a blast with her :) She has so much personality, and I predict that she is going to be a singer some day... she loves to sing already! She has 2 teeth that are popping through now :)

Christmas was amazing! It was my 10th annual Christmas day dinner at the church. Madi and I cooked for it, and it was a blast, great having all of my family there. The opening of gifts afterward at my place was a ton of fun too!

Sooo many more things have happened... I cannot forget about Blogging I started in September. I have also made many mistakes this year, that I hopefully will learn from and not make in the coming year. We are all on a journey, who knows where 2009 will take me!

Welcoming 2009 with open arms...
Love you all
I hope that everyone had a fabulous Christmas, and that you are going to have a wonderful new year.

ps Apparently My Blog is categorized as a 'Top Blog' in Rochester and Minneapolis, little did I know... Thanks to Lynn, I have discovered...

Monday, December 29, 2008

all my raw emotion

lol... If I don't laugh, I might cry!

Seriously I want to rip allll of my hair out... he is sooo controlling! I am so disgusted at how he manipulates and controls every situation, and every conversation, I try so hard and yet I fail. I cannot keep it in anymore. How did I put up with it for so long?! He had me in the grasps of his fist this whole time, My life is hell if I don't give him what he wants! Why can't he work with me?? If I don't give him what he wants then he takes it all away, so either he gets 85% or 100%. All I want is my baby, he can have everything else... No! All he wants to do is control me. I don't think that I can do this for the next 18 years of my life. Can't it all be over...

God, My heart is sinking, I feel so sick... He is so unreasonable! I feel overwhelmed. Lord, when is this all going to be done with?? I no longer want to live my Life for Dan, I want to live it for you! I am trying so hard and yet I can feel my soul sinking... I want to be lifted up, not pushed down. How did this happen, the man that I was once in love with is treating me so horribly!? He is taking away the one thing that I love...


I miss my daughter! My heart is angry, in anguish, and sad, but most of all broken.

I haven't seen Madilynn since Christmas. I know that to some of you that doesn't seem long, but 4 days without your infant baby seems like an eternity (to me at least), Even when I do see her it feels like it is inconsistent, like a day here and a day there...Especially when her Dad sees her daily with the exception of my Saturday and Sunday. If I was to calculate it I am pretty sure that it would show that Dan has her 85% of the time! I feel like most of the time, I am without her. Yesterday I was cleaning her room desperately wishing that she was there in my arms!

Dan denied me seeing her yesterday, so I called the police, they issued me an escort to retrieve her. I am so fed up with him keeping her all to himself!! Two Police Women came exactly an hour and five minutes after I called. They told me that according to the state of Minnesota she should be in my care, and I had every right to have her. They proceeded to Dans home, as I waited in my car (I was so thankful to not have to confront the situation)... I heard them arguing, Dan saying some not-so-kind words to them [Proverbs 18 1Unfriendly people care only about themselves; they lash out at common sense... 7The mouths of fools are their ruin; they trap themselves with their lips.]. He refused to give them Madi as well, he said that she is 'his' daughter and he had every right to keep her, from what I overheard he was not kind to them at all! We had no papers, the court has yet to give us the ruling. The police officers will be writing a report and they said that it won't be helpful to him when we go to court.

I was crushed, I soo looked forward to holding her in my arms last night! I am so eager to hold her tonight, I am going to cuddle her all night long, if Dan follows through with giving her back to me that is.

I will be calling my lawyer today; hopefully he will have some much needed advice for me. After the occurrences this Friday and Sunday, I need to know my rights and what I can do to take care of my child's best interest! I am eager to hear the ruling from the Temporary Court Hearing...

Until then I am going to try and give it to God.
Matt 11: 28
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Gift Ideas

Love, Love, LOVE this idea!
Check it out here!

World Vision is amazing and I whole heartedly support their cause. If you want to donate in someones name they send you a personalized beautiful card to send to or give to that person. You should check it out. Just click on the 'here' above!

Winter WONDER-Land

Ya, I am WONDER-ing why I still live in MN, LOL! It is so crazy here... 1 hour+ commutes, car dying (my alternator finally gave out last night), Sub zero temps, high heating bills, running through stop lights because your car won't stop, etc. Honestly if I didn't see snow for the rest of my life, I would be happy!

But this put a smile on my face because it is all too familiar to me!
(for those of you who don't know how, just click on 'this put a smile on my face')

PS Thanks for the Christmas gift Grandma Brady, it is going toward a new alternator :)
Love you all. Have a fabulous Christmas, what a busy and fun time of year... God has been amazing, I am so thankful for the birth of Christ!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Wow, what a weekend; busy and fun. Now it is 11:30 Sunday night and I am wondering where this year has gone!

I just wanted to post this for all that were interested, really quick, I need to get to sleep.

Please support my Good friend Molly, as she pursues God in a life changing adventure...
Molly has decided to devote the next 5 months of her life to YWAM (Youth With A Mission), from January through May of 2009. During her time she willl be going through training, following that she will be doing outreach over seas helping the needy, then she will be returning.
We would love to bless her. She needs $5950 and she has contributed $2500 of her own money that she has been saving in preparation for this trip. Please come and support her during this benefit. Lets parter with Molly for a great cause! If we all pitch in a little, it will go a long way.
'Go into all of the world and disciple all nations...'
Matt 28:19

If you have any questions contact
Becca 612.840.1987 or Naomi 612.600.7857
If you cannot attend but would still like to make a contribution Make checks payable to Molly Moore and send them to:
1780 9th Street White Bear Lake, MN 55110
I am thrilled for the spaghetti dinner. Can't wait to see everyone there!

Thursday, December 18, 2008


Thinking about everything right now is so overwhelming.

Court did not go near as well as I had anticipated, looking back I am reminded that expectations are never good, because you are setting yourself up for disappointment or failure. I think that more than anything I was disappointed in the judge. He hadn't even read our file before we presented our case (which for those of you who are unfamiliar with this kind of thing, it was not a good thing, we had to present to him the whole case. He really needed to read our affidavits to get all of the detail prior to our presentation). I will be speaking to my lawyer today though, to go over some things in regards to the case. A couple issues came up in court in regards to finances that I feel were completely unexpected, so I am concerned.

I was so exhausted after court [which Dan was more than 30 minutes late to, by the way. I thought for sure he was not going to show...] So, I took a nap once I got home, and I had horrible nightmares about losing Madi. It was devastating and for the first time, since I was young, I was pretty distraught when I woke up, I felt so overwhelmed and scared! The worst part was that she was with Dan, and I couldn't hold my baby... I am finding myself missing her more and more everyday, even when I have her!

Immediately I decided that with everything in me I am going to try and give this whole situation to God. Worrying is not going to help Madi or me one bit! I know that he is sovereign and that no matter what happens he will be by my side in support of me, which is so reassuring to know.
We have yet to hear the ruling from this Temporary hearing, so please, continue to pray that Gods will would be done.

Not only am I overwhelmed with grief and sorrow during this time but I am also overwhelmed with Gods love. Although, I am facing some tough times, I can see Gods hand in it all. I am sooo blessed by every ones prayers, their love, and their Support and concern. It feels me with great joy to know that both Madi and I are so loved by everyone that we are surrounded by!

Romans 8:37-38
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.

ps on a very positive note, my mouth is feeling much better :)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Let the Truth be told

Please be praying! Our first court hearing, in regards to custody is today. I meet with my lawyer at 1pm, and court is at 1:30pm.
I am putting it in Gods hands... I know that he is soverign. And although I know all of that I still have butterflies! I feel sickto my stomach! The papers that Dan submitted last week were not truthful, hopefully the judge's eyes will be opened to the truth!

John 8:32
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Amazing Love

Tuesday is the court hearing, and after getting all of the papers from Dans lawyer on Thursday, I must say, I was feeling quite overwhelmed... His papers said many things that I feel were stretching the truth or just down right not true! I can tell you one thing for sure, my church is NOT 'cultish'! I was feeling so overwhelmed, he is requesting 50/50 custody as well as requesting child support!

After work I called Bev, and we prayed, I desperately wanted to feel Gods peace, because I know that ultimately, no matter what happens, he is in control! I know that no matter what happens he will work all things out. I feel comforted knowing that my life is in his hands.

What a busy weekend... One filled with Love and laughter, with family and friends.

Jessica was soo thankful for the shower that I threw her on Saturday, and it really was a ton of fun, hanging out and visiting with all of my girlfriends! It made me feel good when everyone there told me what a wonderful job I did, I really do love throwing a party, but who doesn't??

Saturday night Naomi and Molly spent the night, it was a wonder-full time of connecting. I felt like a young girl again when we all 3 slept in my king size bed and giggled at each others stories, it was very refreshing.

I missed Madi so much, there wasn't a second of the day that she wasn't on my mind!

Sunday was great too, I met with Meredith for lunch, poor girl her cornea in her eye is eroding and it is causing her quite a bit of pain!

Sunday night was amazing, I was able to pick up Madi then go to The Annual Vineyard Family Christmas. The kids were, as usual, hilarious in the Christmas play. The talent show was amazing, so many people are talented, I had no idea!!

All throughout the weekend I was reminded of all of the people in my life who love and support me, I am so thankful for all that God has given me :)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Madilynns Dedication

Direct Your Children onto the right path, and when
They are older, they will not leave it.
Proverbs 22-6

Dan came to the church for the dedication, it was the first thing that we have done together in quite some time...

The party was a ton of fun! It felt great to give her to God, and have the whole church behind me in the decision that I made! I love her so much!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

16 Things

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. (this is a facebook thing, but thought that it would be great on this blog)

1. I have 80% hearing loss in my left ear and 20% loss in my right ear, If you whisper something to me, I might just hit you (I am sick of that response ;). And yeah, I need a hearing aid, but don’t have one… yet

2. I have lived in 3 States: CA, NV, and MN (and hopefully counting), which goes along with having gone to more than 16 schools during my educational career, hence I no longer fear being ‘The New Girl’.

3. I used to play the violin, when I was younger, I wish that I never would have stopped.

4. I was conceived 18 months after my Mom and Dad got a divorce… It was a ‘One Night’ thing, hmmm, I WAS meant to be! LOL, personal I know…

5. Cleaning, organizing and decorating are passions of mine… If I am stressed they relax me!

6. When I was 8 years old, while living in Reno NV, I was in a drug raid. My step Dad had a meth lab in the kitchen. Unfortunately for him we lived 100 feet from a school, it ended up becoming national news! Both My Mom and him were facing 25 years to life in prison, they got off on illegal search and seizure. Thanks to God, who knows where I would be today, probably not in MN!

7. I have never used an illegal drug in my life; I haven’t even ever smoked a cigarette.

8. I own a sleep number bed, and it is amaaaazing! It comes highly recommended by me!

9. Being a Mom to Madilynn has been the most Fun, exhilarating, and meaningful thing that I have ever done in my life. I love her with everything that is in me, because of her I want to be a better person!

10. I was diagnosed with Mucoepidermoid Carcinoma in July of this year. It is cancer of the salivary glands. I had surgery to remove the pallet of my mouth, and I am now cancer free! I currently wear a mouth prosthesis but you would never know by looking at me

11. I don’t drink soda, ever! Actually all I ever drink is Water (and wine or beer on occasion)!

12. I love chipmunks and Squirrels, they are my favorite animals!!

13. Sushi is the best thing ever!! I Love love love it, even when it is raw!

14. Boundaries, a book written by Cloud and Townsend, has been life changing for me. It has been a monumental step toward me making healthy changes and choices for myself.

15. I live alone for the first time in my life, and it might just be growing on me, although it has been a very hard transition to make.

16. I will one day own my own business… I am currently opening an online shop, YAY!.

If you decide to repost this please post it in my coment section, I would LOVE to read yours!
Thanks, Becca
I am feeling better today...

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


Ahhh! I could just scream!!

I feel like everything has been a waste! What have I been living for for the last seven years?? A failed Marriage, a drunk husband, a life of lies to myself! Allowing myself to be controlled and treated the way that I was. Trying to be true to my Vows, I wasn't true to myself!

As the tears fall I question, "Why God! Why did I make those decisions for my life?" I feel so overwhelmed at the loss of all of this. Letting go of the life that I once knew, the life that I told myself that I loved.

Starting over is so hard! I don't want to face this loss that I have endured, I hate being alone, I miss his embrace. I am still not facing it, I don't know if I am not emotionally ready or what! These tears have not been shed for months... I wonder if it is now that my ,mind is forcing me to mourn the loss of my marriage, the loss of someone who I thought I would share the rest of my life with.

We just talked on the phone... How different we are, it amazes me! How was it working all this time? I am learning, and Wow, it is hard.

God deliver me of my brokeness I don't want to be unhealthy any more, guide me to become the woman, and Mother that you have created me to be. I desire to be healthy and to make good decisions. I know that all of this is only a consequence of the decisions that I have made.
I feel so overwhelmed, give me peace Lord!

Friday, December 5, 2008


Being honest with yourself and others is extremely important! If you are not honest, you are throwing your integrity away... I know because I have done it!

Luke 16:10
If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities.

This blog is dedicated to Rebekah, Scott and Carol, Alicia, Amanda, and Sid Schwab

With great friends (Rebekah, you included!), a wonderful Family, and an amazingly supportive Church, as I have said time and time again, I am reminded how blessed I am. When I received this award I felt even more blessed. I was awarded it by a very dear 'Blogger friend' of mine, by the name of Rebekah. The instructions are as follows:

  • Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
  • Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
  • Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to this Post, which explains The Award.
  • Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!
  • Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

My 5 Blogs, that I want to give an award:

Living in Wholeness - Written by a Mother, who I met through Blogger and Boundaries (cool story, God is good)! A woman who I can relate too. She is in a very painful season of her life, my heart is breaking for her. It amazes me how she still runs to God with everything that is left in her! She is an inspiration to me, and her strength amazes me. I know that her life will bring great joy to many, as I am sure that it already does. I can't wait to meet her. I love her heart, it is beautiful! Her blog is a private one, so you can visit her through the blog that she has posted for her son, Caleb, Fun Stuff.

Carol and Scott - Written by a devout husband, who amazed me by his 'scribbles' enough to insprire me to start a blog of my own! He, His Wife, and his Family have been through Hell and back this year, but through it all have touched sooo many life's! I am amazed by you, you have given me a new perspective on this life.

LovelyLee's Weblog - Alicia, a dear friend, who I will love for the rest of my life. She is more than a friend, she is a Sister, who God put in my life at the young age of 12. Through all of our ups and downs, here we are, two young women striving to live for God. Thank you Lee, for everything, I love you!

Amanda Stombaugh - A new-found friendship, that I know will grow in God. I look forward to growing closer and closer with one another, as friends in Christ. She has a precious heart, one that is genuine and sincere. I adore her for the wife that she is to Luke, while he is away at war. God will reward you Amanda, he sees your heart of gold and is there with you every step of the way, even when tomorrow seems like it is going to crumble under your feet.

Surgeons Blog - While looking for answers, about a medical condition that I have suffered this year (Fissures), I came across this blog. And although we are very different people, I really appreciate this retired surgeon. He has given me a new view of surgery, from behind the knife. This is the blog in where I first discovered blogging, I read many of his stories. He is a fabulous writer, that sparked my interest in blogs. Take a look at his stuff, it will bring you tears and laughter, there are some great reads in his 'Sampler'. Thank you for your blog!

To all of the bloggers out there: I thoroughly enjoy alll of the blogs that I follow and read, so you are not going unnoticed!

To all of my readers: Thank you for all of your support, and most of all concern, you mean the world to me!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Weary and Broken

I am living this life, trying to follow God. My mind doubts and my heart cries out for answers. I am anxious to know what my life will bring. Will I, Rebecca Rosario, leave a legacy? Will everything work out? What about tomorrow? I question God, But why??

Proverbs 20:24
The Lord directs our steps,
so why try to understand everything along the way?

We need to live in the present; not the future, and definitely not the past!
I love Proverbs, I am reminded of Gods wisdom and direction for my life.

Please Lord, remind me to have contentment, I give you control of my life. I know that you have better plans for me than I do for myself. Give me Peace, and rest during this tumultuous time. I desire to be calm in your presence at all times. I know I am broken, help me to heal, to glue all of my pieces back together. Give me your energy to live this life to the fullest. I will trade you my burdens for your freedom. I want my life to be a testimony to you Lord. Without you I don't want to even know where I would be. I Love you. Thank you for this life that you have given me, and for the gift of your son and your spirit!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


It hurts... both my bottom end and my top.

I went to the Doc yesterday, for my mouth, and he said that he thinks that it just may be infected. There is a bone spur working it's way out and it is so painful (mostly while I am eating and drinking). It feels impossible to eat... atleast without any pain, that is. So antibiotics and pain meds it is.

My bottom isn't doing too hot these last few days either. Am I going to have to deal with these stinking fissures for the rest of my life? or what?? One or two days of forgetting my Miralax and I feel like I am back to square one. Miralax is amazing, but it seems like it is just a band aid to the issue, if I don't take it every night that I am in for some pain the following days.

Things are tough with Madi and Dan. He wants to have her half time, and I don't want that. I feel like I am being selfish but wholeheartedly I want what is best for her, is it mean to say that I feel like I am what would be best for her? Not that Dan is a bad father... I just feel as though he doesn't make the best decisions and I don't want her to be affected by those decisions. Last week Pete preached about parenting, his main objective throughout the sermon is that in order to be a good parent we ourselves need to be healthy. Children don't do as we say, but they do what we do! If that makes sense. They pick up every single little thing. By no means am I perfect, but I am working on myself and trying to become a more healthy person to teach her how to live her life in a rightious way. I don't want her to be influenced by some of the choices that Dan is making or has made.

So we will be going to court because he is going to fight for custody... Ugh, long road ahead I am afraid!

Some ispiration for today:
Proverbs 4
25 Look straight ahead,
and fix your eyes on what lies before you.
26 Mark out a straight path for your feet;
stay on the safe path.
27 Don’t get sidetracked;
keep your feet from following evil.

Proverbs is amazing! Lots of food for your mind to chew on...
I am tired, weak, and weary but I am looking forward, I am following Gods plan for my life, I will continually seek his truth I know that the answers lie in him. I cannot look to my own understanding.

'God, give me your answers, speak to me, and give me peace in the decisions that need to be made. I love you with all of my heart and I want the same for Madilynn, my heart desires for her to walk a path of rightiousness for you. Amen!'