Hypotension?

I hate to be a Debbie Downer and keep dwelling on the negative, I just honestly want to feel better though...
I have seen so many doctors in the past year - so many that I don't even have enough fingers to count them all, so I gave up. I have been told that I have Addison's Disease, Hypotension, chronic fatigue, extraordinarily low BP, orthostatic hypotension, the simple case of being a 'New Mommy', and so many other little things... Every doctor seems to have their own opinion, and none of them seem overly concerned. When my BP is 80/46 - Last time I went to the doc - they responded, 'Oh, it is good to have low blood pressure.' Really? even if it is constant, even when I was prego it was low, and the funny thing is that I can never get enough salt and that is supposed to raise your bp!
Seriously, I can see how it can be a culmination of things (it doesn't help, with all of the changes that have gone on this past year...) but I am sure that there is a core issue that is not being treated here. Daily dizziness, fatigue, and faintness are no fun, and have to be the result of something that is going on deeper, right?! Can someone just please start taking it seriously, because it is getting irritating!
So, I have taken the liberty of trying to advocate for myself, by seeking a diagnosis- not the best idea, I know, considering I have no medical education - So, I have been looking up my symptoms. All of the issues I deal with really seem symptomatic of Hypotension of some sort...
Anyway, I am going to go and see a pulmonary sleep specialist to see if maybe I have some sleeping problems, because I am so exhausted all of the time, even if I get plenty of sleep, hopefully the sleep study will reveal something!

Weary and Broken

I am living this life, trying to follow God. My mind doubts and my heart cries out for answers. I am anxious to know what my life will bring. Will I, Rebecca Rosario, leave a legacy? Will everything work out? What about tomorrow? I question God, But why??

Proverbs 20:24
The Lord directs our steps,
so why try to understand everything along the way?

We need to live in the present; not the future, and definitely not the past!
I love Proverbs, I am reminded of Gods wisdom and direction for my life.

Please Lord, remind me to have contentment, I give you control of my life. I know that you have better plans for me than I do for myself. Give me Peace, and rest during this tumultuous time. I desire to be calm in your presence at all times. I know I am broken, help me to heal, to glue all of my pieces back together. Give me your energy to live this life to the fullest. I will trade you my burdens for your freedom. I want my life to be a testimony to you Lord. Without you I don't want to even know where I would be. I Love you. Thank you for this life that you have given me, and for the gift of your son and your spirit!

*sigh*

So, I haven't taken my fluoxetine (antidepressant) since last Saturday. I felt like I was doing okay without it, which I thought would be great! Dan often comments on how I am medicated... Not that I take it that personal or anything, but I would like not to have to be dependant on anything.

Today it is really hitting me, I feel down again, not like I want to hurt myself or anything severe like that. I don't know, I guess that it seems too complicated to explain how I feel. I do know that I felt A LOT better while taking it!

I am just curious to know though, are antidepressants a cop out? Are the issues being dealt with by the medication or is the fluoxetine like a band aid, only covering up the wounds?? If that is the case, I would much rather deal with the issues rather than cover them with medication...

Although it is tough living in this state of mind. I am by no means severely depressed or anything. I don't know there is just a negative-ness that lingers over my mind and thoughts.

I am tired, and I am not happy with where things are in my life. I know that God calls us to be content where we are, but I don't feel content! I am not happy with so many aspects of my life right now, sometimes I dread waking up! What should I do? I feel like sometimes I know the answers to my own questions, and I feel good about where things are... then there are times where I feel a little overwhelmed. I am just not sure what to do with these feelings, or where to go from here. Too bad I didn't have boundaries every night! Bev, our boundaries leader, always seems to have great insight into things.

I need to remember this-
1 Timothy 6:
6 Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. 7 After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. 8 So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.

I again am convicted, I have enough food and clothing... why do I long for more! I feel my selfish human nature consuming me!

Tumultuous times

are hopefully going to be behind me soon. 2 more days and I am going to be moving into my new place... and I am really getting excited! Yesterday I was noticing how many bruises I have on my legs from all of the hauling of things to and from my car, Including hauling Madi.

Last Thursday I moved from Alyshia's place (because they were moving out of their apt) to Jenny's place. Jenny has been so sweet, she even gave Madi and I her bed! She has a one bedroom apartment in West Saint Paul. So, I really feel as though I have overcome her space with all of my odds and ends of things that I have. Considering nothing is really organized, it looks like I have brought a huge mess of things into her place. It is great to have such supportive Friends!

This weekend was a crazy busy one with costumes, pictures, a baby shower, a wedding shower, packing, and what seemed like so much more! I am amazed at how much I can fit into a weekend. As usual I am tired today, but it is my own fault today! No one can deny that I am a busy person who likes to be on the go (and loves to be social). I am still not feeling very well. I don't know if the flu is just lingering from last week or what but I am really fatigued and was having some stomach/gastrointestinal issues what seemed like all weekend!

We got Madi's 6 month pictures done, although she will be seven months old on the 10th. CT Ryan Studios was just really busy considering it is fall wedding season. I cannot wait to post some of them, it seemed like they are really going to be cute (I will probably get them in about a week or so). She was an adorable little lady bug for Halloween. Dan and I took her to the Harvest Party at church. It was a great time, probably more so for us than for her, LOL. Dan and I are really getting along well and we have been working as a team with Madi, it has been great. We did both her pictures and the harvest party together, as well as packing up the house together, it is definitely an answer to prayer!

As for living my life I pray that this continues to ring true 'For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.' 2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT) . Reading this I know that I am a work in progress. Fully achieving those characteristics seems like it will take an eternity. I am content knowing that God is on my side, and that my heart really desires righteousness.