I have always been someone who has defined myself by my appearance, which is no bueno, I know! And for a while it really worked in my favor... I didn't really know it, but I was pretty Hot (as Jenn, the Ex Hot Girl, would say). I had some minor issues with my appearance, as we all do. I have always wanted to lose a few pounds, but overall I was very content, confident, and comfortable in my own skin (pre-baby of course). Now... well lets just say I am a little more than not content with my body. I just plain feel FAT, unattractive, and uncomfortable in just about everything that I wear - I am definitely not comfortable in my own skin, and of course the stretch marks don't help. You can tell by looking at my Now and Then photos that I am not comfortable, and I often struggle with what to wear to hide my extra pounds - it doesn't work, I know, I have tried :) I am constantly at a struggle with more than just my appearance, I am a perfectionist in everything that I do. It is more than just wanting to be beautiful, I also want to be physically fit so that I can be healthy, run without struggling, and other things of that matter. Really though, I just want to be physically fit so that I can be comfortable in my own skin again. I am constantly aware of my overweight, unfit body and it wears on me.
I have started running. I will be running a 5K on December 5th. It will be interesting to see how I do. Some of my long term goals: Chicago half marathon next September, and eventually a full marathon. I am trying to be more conscious about what I put in my mouth. I love snacks, and since I have had Madi I have this undeniable urge to eat sweets all day - which has not been nice to me, to say the least! I have been skipping the bowl of ice cream before bed at night, and I have been eating less, and am attempting to be aware of my diet. I figure that calorie counting, or being aware of the amount that I consume will be the first step - considering I have been overeating. I notice that I tend to eat when I am experiencing anything emotional whether it is good or bad. I eat to self medicate and I eat to celebrate, but the most important thing that I need to be aware of is that I eat to please my taste buds. What I want and need to start doing is eating nutritious foods, and I need to stop eating for pleasure and for the fulfillment that I get emotionally.
Ultimately my ideal goal would be 125 pounds give or take 5 pounds (preferably the latter ;). This is going to be REALLY hard for me, but I want to write down how much I weight for a couple reasons #1 because I feel like being honest will be very freeing and #2 because I feel like it will motivate me to start dropping the pounds... I weigh 155 pounds now. When I get on the scale I am shocked every time, so I try not to stand on the thing very often, it always gets me down! The most I have EVER weighed was at the end of my pregnancy with Madi, I was a whopping 197!! And it was Very very hard for me to accept and take in, I think that was the epitome of me feeling hideous! Then I lost 67 pounds in 10 weeks, I weighed 130 and felt great! So, I know that I can do it again...
So here is to the start of my journey to becoming healthier, thinner, and hopefully more comfortable in my own skin again ;)