Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Honestly

I felt inspired by the Ex Hot Girl to put it all out there... and I think that it just might be liberating. Holding in these feelings doesn't really do the body good, and I have noticed that what I tend to do is just complain a lot about things when and if I don't process them. So this will be my attempt at processing all of the emotions that I have been having with my image, body and weight.

I have always been someone who has defined myself by my appearance, which is no bueno, I know! And for a while it really worked in my favor... I didn't really know it, but I was pretty Hot (as Jenn, the Ex Hot Girl, would say). I had some minor issues with my appearance, as we all do. I have always wanted to lose a few pounds, but overall I was very content, confident, and comfortable in my own skin (pre-baby of course). Now... well lets just say I am a little more than not content with my body. I just plain feel FAT, unattractive, and uncomfortable in just about everything that I wear - I am definitely not comfortable in my own skin, and of course the stretch marks don't help. You can tell by looking at my Now and Then photos that I am not comfortable, and I often struggle with what to wear to hide my extra pounds - it doesn't work, I know, I have tried :) I am constantly at a struggle with more than just my appearance, I am a perfectionist in everything that I do. It is more than just wanting to be beautiful, I also want to be physically fit so that I can be healthy, run without struggling, and other things of that matter. Really though, I just want to be physically fit so that I can be comfortable in my own skin again. I am constantly aware of my overweight, unfit body and it wears on me.

I have started running. I will be running a 5K on December 5th. It will be interesting to see how I do. Some of my long term goals: Chicago half marathon next September, and eventually a full marathon. I am trying to be more conscious about what I put in my mouth. I love snacks, and since I have had Madi I have this undeniable urge to eat sweets all day - which has not been nice to me, to say the least! I have been skipping the bowl of ice cream before bed at night, and I have been eating less, and am attempting to be aware of my diet. I figure that calorie counting, or being aware of the amount that I consume will be the first step - considering I have been overeating. I notice that I tend to eat when I am experiencing anything emotional whether it is good or bad. I eat to self medicate and I eat to celebrate, but the most important thing that I need to be aware of is that I eat to please my taste buds. What I want and need to start doing is eating nutritious foods, and I need to stop eating for pleasure and for the fulfillment that I get emotionally.

Ultimately my ideal goal would be 125 pounds give or take 5 pounds (preferably the latter ;). This is going to be REALLY hard for me, but I want to write down how much I weight for a couple reasons #1 because I feel like being honest will be very freeing and #2 because I feel like it will motivate me to start dropping the pounds... I weigh 155 pounds now. When I get on the scale I am shocked every time, so I try not to stand on the thing very often, it always gets me down! The most I have EVER weighed was at the end of my pregnancy with Madi, I was a whopping 197!! And it was Very very hard for me to accept and take in, I think that was the epitome of me feeling hideous! Then I lost 67 pounds in 10 weeks, I weighed 130 and felt great! So, I know that I can do it again...

So here is to the start of my journey to becoming healthier, thinner, and hopefully more comfortable in my own skin again ;)

8 comments:

Jessica said...

I love you!! I can totally relate to you!! I eat all the time...I love sweets also and at bed time I am always eating ice cream, cookies and candy! I feel like a pig and very unhealthy. It is not even about the amount that I weight its that I am not healthy and I weigh more than I should. Everytime I am like oh tomorrow I will eat less, I never stick to it! Anyways...I just want you to know I love you and than I get where your coming from...I think alot of people can relate and also for being brave, open and honest! :)

Rebekah said...

Divorce is really tough, Rebecca. Stress causes weight gain in addition to the attraction to comfort foods. You'll lose your weight in no time! Keep having fun, laughing...running and you'll look and feel just like you want to again!

Rebecca said...

Thank you!
It is just so hard seeing the pounds add up. My Mom and sister were both morbidly obese, and both had gastric bypass surgery... So I am sure that many of my fears root in my family history.
But Rebekah you are so right! I can do anything that I put my mind too :)

Rebekah said...

Don't fear, Precious Rebecca, you can do it! I know you can!

"One of the great cosmic laws, I think, is that whatever we hold in our thought will come true in our experience." Richard Bach

Kristi Lynn said...

Rebecca-
In my second year of college I went from 99 pounds to 130 pounds in a matter of a month.. I was depressed and eating was the only happiness I felt. 130 pounds might not seem like a lot, but on my frame it was not good. I had tests done and my kidneys were having a hard time dealing with the extra weight gain that was put on so rapidly. This is when I started my journey of triathlons. I lost 20 pounds and gained enough muscle that I looked (still do) like I did at 99 pounds but more toned. But, the decision to train for triathlons changed me. It made me focus on my health, eating for energy, and not focus on the weight. When I began triathlon training I could not swim a lap in a pool, run a mile, or bike to save my life, but as of next week I will be signing up for my first Ironman Triathlon. Last Decemeber I did my first marathon and used the book, Run Less Run Faster as a training plan. This book helped me train right....nutrition and eating right is key. My journey has lead me to focus on being healthy. IT is a lifestyle change and I know you can do it!!!! Start with small steps...it is crazy what you can accomplish in a year if you take it one step at a time. You will do it!!!

Kristi Lynn said...

I almost forgot.....I never thought I could do it...and I am still amazed at how far I have come. Please do not doubt yourself. You are the strongest woman I know with the biggest heart. Your determination and heart will get you there.

Jennifer Brindley said...

Aww, good for you! It feels good to get thoughts out there into the universe, doesn't it? I think the thing about this is really doing what makes YOU feel good. Anyone could look at your "now" photo and say you look gorgeous, because you do. But nobody knows how you feel inside. If you want to get down to 125 and you can do it in a healthy way, more power to you. :) Good luck!

~Jenn

Phylon said...

Good Lord my love. I can't even believe that I would LOVE to be 155 again. Somehow, someway I've gained to my ultimate high and what you described is EXACTLY how I feel. It's on my mind constantly. I'm very proud of you.... I am doing the mental prep now...soon I will be exercising. I began eating organic foods a few months ago, and what an improvement!!! BUT, there is organic junk food too....and I have been binging on that for too long. Time to take it to the next level!!!! Love you sweet friend.